The Monster Finally Has A Name

I remember being moody in elementary school. I was often accused of "stomping off" whenever I didn't get my way. My mom was a very emotional person as well (I suspect she has the same problem as me). She raised me until she lost custody of my brother and me when I was 11. At that point she kind of snapped and moved to the northwest. It was hard going into puberty without my mother, and my productivity at school plummeted. My first suicide attempt was swallowing a bottle of ibuprofen when I was 14. I fell asleep hoping to not wake up and instead woke up in time to go to school feeling sick as a dog. I remember a lot of other half-assed attempts and episodes of self harm between then and now, though I managed to keep it to myself and a few close friends and never ended up in the hospital. I have managed to have 2 serious relationships, one being my husband. We've been together 11 years and married for 7 and I still don't know how he can still stick around after all the times I have "freaked out on him". Unfortunately I can't say I always kept it verbal. We had a few wrestling matches that I started because he said something deeply hurtful and I couldn't handle my rage. But recently I have learned to suppress that urge by just running away and tuning out everything he has to say. I cry, I scream, and I pray to anyone who will listen to release me from my life and my suffering. Let me not wake up. I've been on and off anti depressants but haven't done a lot of therapy until recently. In the last 2 years my husband himself has had 2 manic episodes and was diagnosed Bipolar I just before Christmas 2012. His mom told me once that I caused his illness and I always said he was the crazy one. But now that I know what I know I wonder. I went into a deep depression following his hospitalization and a very turbulent time at work (caused by consequences of my verbal impulses) and finally started seeking help though the agency who helped me get him help. I started attending a group and then I realized I wasn't just depressed. I started seeking out the answers and found bpd. I talk to my Psychiatrist tomorrow about this. I'm not diagnosed just yet but I fit 9 out of 9 of the criteria. It explains everything. Now I'm afraid for my daughter. If my mother has bpd, and I got it from her, and my husband has bipolar, what does that mean for my daughter? At the very least she has 2 parents who at times cannot do their jobs very effectively. I am already doing CBT for depression so some of that seems to be working, but now I know I have a much longer road and more challenges than anticipated. It's somewhat liberating, but at the same time it's hard to learn you really have been crazy most of your life, you just didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. So now I'm doing everything I can to learn and it helps when you can find other people who understand what you're going through. Thanks for reading my long story :-) It feels good just to share.