Today Life Is Great, Today Life Hurts

I have had bpd for 4 years so far on and off of different medications i have had CBT, CAT, self help therapies but nothing has helped everyday feels like a contradiction of thoughts and feelings i wake up today im gonna do my best to be nice smile at people talk to people go through the motions of normal society, but over the course of the day buses dont arrive exactly at the time stated on the timetable anger builds train has the same situation more anger peoples music from headphones too loud more anger get to work how are you today? "yeah fine thanks" (festering inside with rage) by the time i get back home after work i hate my life i hate me i hate the world. Why am i alone? why cant i be with someone? why am i here ? whats the point? Why do i have this? i read information on what its all about to feel "hey, very small number of people get this and out of that small number its mainly women and i am a man what is going on?"

I try to build friendships with people but yet again i don't like people much because i apparently have a high standard of expectations of people.

I might have the rare chance of meeting a girl going out with her (i love her) then ( i hate her) the relationship crashes all because of impulsive feelings of she'll leave she wont stay how can she say she loves me how can this be a fact or known. So i end the relationship only to feel back in the "comfort" of feeling alone. Its horrible i hate being alone i will die alone The circle continues. Almost everyday is a change of image of who i want to be and when it has not been recognized i crash and burn take a drastic redirection in image only to fall on regret.

I don't feel i will get across my point writing this in fact its more of a here is my thoughts an insight to my life is this similar for anyone else i would just like to know that the constant back and forth fight inside my head is met with some degree of outside understanding

Thank you