I Hate You...No, I Hate Me.

I have always been this way. For as long as I could remember. I knew it wasn't "normal", swinging between love & hate in the drop of a hat...family, friends, lovers, even my own children.
I love you quickly becomes I hate you. That thin line bullshit, it's real. It's how I live. Best friends one moment, hated enemies the next.
I'll push you away, I'll hurt you, I promise. If you betray or abandon me, even only in my mind, I'll hate you forever.
Truth is, no matter what you do, I'll love you & then hate you, this-I promise.

Most of all though, it's me I hate, for acting like this. For destroying myself & maybe even you in the process.
So many people have been victimized by my bullshit, & some have even used my bpd against me, preying on me- as though I were deserving of more pain.
Go away, I hate you...wait!!! Don't leave me! :(
What a mess my head is, I am, and if you're not careful, I'll help you become.
This is why I hate you...no, I hate me.
ExquisiteBeauty ExquisiteBeauty
36-40, F
3 Responses Apr 20, 2013

I can relate to every word. Thanks for posting.

It's like a constant black and white confliction. Some days I swear I'll never ever do [Blank] again and feel so very confident in myself.And then, something, or perhaps nothing, happens, and I'm back to being a horrible person yet again...then I expect those around me to understand, to not hold it against me...but of course they do..

I only understand this disorder from the side of a loved one....I'm trying to understand it...how the bpd mind works and how I have been effected personally. Thanks for sharing a bit of what's it's like inside your head . Wishing you peace and happiness. xo