Alone With Bpd

I was just recently diagnosed with BPD after a third suicide attempt. I was diagnosed as Bipolar considering my father was Bipolar and shot himself a few years ago. I am 26 years old and so far my life has been filled with pain no matter how much I try to fight it. I have been on over 24 different medication including lithium over the past five years. Almost all of the medications made the situation worse. I was sexually abused at a very early age by my father and had a chaotic childhood. I am very self destructive, even though I hide it well, and fear abandonment with all boyfriends. I am successful on the outside but experience a loneliness that there are no words for. When I am not in a relationship I have no idea who I am or what to feel. It is a struggle to make it through each day and I feel absolutely alone in my struggle.
lissa lissa
46-50, F
12 Responses Jun 15, 2007

i can so relate to you exactly i hat ethis fricken illne ssif i could i woiuld say the bad wordmy life has been fille dwith pain but some i think ive done to myself too i feel desperate all the time and a lonliness like you cant imagine

@cameron23d please contact me, would be good to talk to you

Its sucks really. Its worse than death becauase death u die and dont see everyone in the world enjoying while u sufer and hate yourself more.. just dont take medicine

Yes, I think we are all on the same page here; however, until recently I have never found a medication that even remotely helped me. Now I am taking Lamictal and Lithium and I am scared to miss a dose or all h*** breaks loose. I have good days and not so good days. Hang in there.

Hi -Highly recommend a Cognitive behavioural therapy online program that has been developed by an Australian University. Its Free : moodgym.anu.edu.au/<br />
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Great for BPD and other Pd sufferers.

please feel free to read my blog...i was diagnosed with bpd. I am in a 2 year treatment program and i just started a blog about it. I share my experiences and i try to add as much information that i learn in therapy as i can it might help you. You are not alone http://naclivingwithbpd.blogspot.com/

Hiding it well (or at least sort of well) is all we can do. I've searched logically for how this happened to me. Physically, gene inheritance, even Spirituality; Buddhism says it’s all for a reason. Life is suffering. past lives determine this life and we could never know what happened in these elusive "past lifes". For me, thoughts like that help. I force myself to keep fighting while surrendering to the knowledge that I will never ever know why I live in the constant effort of clawing my way out of this damn black hole. My Psychiatrist works with me well, we analyze medication effects and are very sensitive to making the most of this tool.<br />
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I daily analyze my thoughts and interactions to learn for tomorrow. I sleep a little more than most. I wake a little earlier than my family, but need an hour or two nap after noon mostly just to hide. Pulling the covers over my head. and imagining my favorite dream (to live simply, totally Waldenesque). I don't want to live simply for spiritual reasons, I have come to believe I want it because it is really all that I can manage without fear. Yet my actual life is an elaborate guise of people (including a brilliant fun husband) places and things. There is no joy, no peace, no contentment. But, hey, I look happy. <br />
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Making lists. Memories that make me smile (very tiny moments of time, but they make me smile!). When a black thought hits me at 80 mi/hr, I run briskly (in a mental way) to that list. I read somewhere that if horrible thoughts are always corralled to this list then I may develop a habit of bad thoughts lead to good thoughts. Honestly, it seems to work. please try it.<br />
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Another list is everything you are required to do. Don't feel overwhelmed. Have you ever had a half hour waiting a bit impatiently for something. Do a list item. BPD people are smart people. Who else would spend brain time on self torture? So using time well can be a pleasant feeling.<br />
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I wish there were places for us to talk. "Us" being the BDP people that are going to fight it and/or die trying, Share ideas and plans. Share hope. Have friends that know us. <br />
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I stay away from people as much as possible. I watch everything I say. I keep aware of my every emotion. I do whatever I can to appear normal. For me, there is no other option.

My thoughts are with you!

My thoughts are with you!

Wow. Your story is like reading a chapter out of my own book. I truely do know how you feel. Hang in there.

I definitely identify with you. Take care

My best thoughts to you. I hope you can find a way to make your life better.