Self Diagnosed High Functioning Female Borderline Sociopath

I live in a world where I feel nothing for no one, not even myself. I love my immediate family more than life itself but I'm not "in love" with them. I would take a bullet for each and every one of them which includes my mother, my father, my older sister, my maternal grandmother, my brother-in law and my sisters’ two small children whom I adore. Most everyone else is just a "filler" as I call them. Stand-ins that make others think that my life is "normal". Others look in from an external perspective and see a life filled with love, joy, happiness and friendships. They don't see my deep, dark emotional void which is full of emptiness and pain. My ex-fiancé and our dog did that for many years but it’s been two years since we broke and as always with a BPD sufferer, I ruined that entirely.

I am completely dissociated from people in general. I hate just about most people overall and am literally repulsed by most men. There's a small percentage of men I can bare for lack of a better word, but as soon as they show one small sign of “intoleration”, I am most definitely nothing short of repulsed by them and generally end up berating them in a hateful rage of some sort. In my eyes, my own ego and self-worth are very high. I hold myself and my values in a very high regard and would consider myself for the most part “honest, trustworthy and loyal”. To me “repulsion” occurs (male or female) by or from lying, cheating, disloyalty, selfishness, greediness, lack of generosity, mistrust, jealousy, stupidity, poor spelling, weakness, small hands, arrogance, being cheap, being annoying, poor fashion and/or hygiene, and/or any attempt to manipulate me or treat me like I am stupid or irrelevant in some way. As soon as a man shows (and sometimes, women too) some or all signs of any of these things I have listed, I immediately feel that they are worthy of “game”; manipulation and humiliation. My biggest pet peeve is a cheating husband or boyfriend who has some poor, weak, stupid woman at home who he’s using and lying to while he’s out trying to **** anything that walks. I never sleep with married or attached men or any man for that fact, for money, ever. Although I wish I could be with a man solely for his cash, my own morals, values and scruples do not allow me to. Additionally, I am already so intolerable of them by the time it comes down to sex, I am physically and most literally, unable to **** them. It’s not in my nature. No… What I need is someone I am hot for, attracted to, for some stupid, ******* unknown, odd reason. I don't care if they lie to others, steal from others, are violent, all I care about is how they feel about me, their past love interest and their family and that I’m “hot” for them in some way or another. Being poor isn't an option but generally, If they're a "good man" as I describe these male Unicorns, I can actually be “in love" them and not just be in an insane, obsessive state of indefinite infatuation.

Here's the kicker... I'm a clinically, undiagnosed, high-functioning female borderline, but I also clearly exhibit signs of sociopathy. It's a very strange combination. I'm both sensitive, vulnerable, and overly emotional, and yet completely detached from humanity. I don't lie or cheat on boyfriends (only two whom I have ever truly been "in love" with or committed to) and will give myself, my heart and all control to them. I have several "close" (they think so anyway) female friendships and make a ton of money at work but I'm virtually unable to find connection with others but yet I need attachment, that completion that helps me ultimately "fill my void" as I call it.

When I'm by myself I default to a state of emotional vacancy and intolerable boredom (which I like to call the "void" because I compare it to boredom when I was 12 and its “different” in some way), every moment must be filled by some activity or entertainment, and nothing holds my interest for long. I watch a lot of television, travel as often as possible to any foreign destination, party with serious drugs and alcohol but my favorite stimulation by far has to be that of a male companion. I love being mentally engaged in a seductive and intense relationship that includes deep, intimacy in the form of conversation, closeness and sex. I love affection and male companionship but since I hate most men, I no longer engage them the same way I did in my 20's where'd I would **** them and move on. Now, I don't engage them unless they're extremely intelligent, smart, sexy, funny, attractive and generally an overall sociopath too. I also want them to be honest and loyal which is laughable. Clearly, I am choosing men who are unavailable only to challenge myself and “play the game”. Those seem to be my only interruptions now other than being obsessed with vanity insanity (working out, body, face, plastic surgery), frequent manic episodes (usually due to infatuation with a man, sex, drugs, alcohol, food, spending, driving fast and listening to loud music, hard pAArtying, gambling, extreme sports, etc.) followed by overwhelming anxiety, deep sadness, crying and depression, accompanied by suicidal thoughts. This happens to be typical, daily on a cycle of my highs and lows.

When I was younger, superficial mingling combined with an environment friendly to drinking and drug abuse seemed like my favorite activity. As I get older though, this becomes more and more apparent because it just really fills my “void” when I am not “in love” or “obsessed” and “infatuated” with a man and most definitely not my “favorite” activity… Just more a need now I guess. A lot of intoxication goes a long way, and for whatever the reason is, people are literally drawn to me. I am seemingly beautiful, intelligent, sexy, charming, funny, smart, witty, educated, well-dressed, bright, happy and filled with life. My mix of total narcissistic, egotistical, arrogance and beauty somehow comes off as a confident, witty, humor which is magically magnetic and makes it plenty easy to build a rapport with other women and find male sexual partners to use and abuse. However, as with everyone and everything, I get bored and disengage fairly quickly; almost immediately in fact.

Only since my breakup two years ago did I realize that most men are boring, dumb and weak to me. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm mostly attracted to guys who share a bit of my sociopathic nature. Men who are weak, the nice ones, the stupid ones, are just temporary amusement; people who I tend to lead on, mock and toy with until they realize they're not going to get laid and look elsewhere. I'd have to be desperate to sleep with someone like that which apparently, I’m not. As I told my latest sociopathic interest…“my ***** has more brains and personality than the men that I meet.”
When I spend time with individuals, or small groups, I become hypersensitive, enraged and. Little things become big deals and suddenly the presence and demands of others becomes an intolerable burden. Slowly, and then all at once, everything becomes horribly irritating and I immediately disengage to being alone again where I can be my angry and sad self again and without the judgment of others. Where I can place blame on hate and annoyance on others than just me being a raging, intolerable *****.

But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them. Sometimes it’s literally immediate, within minutes or hours and sometimes it takes longer. Unless I am infatuated with them, I will literally cut them off and never think about them again. Men and women alike. As soon as this occurs, the manipulation begins immediately and I will manipulate them for as long as they allow me to or until I get bored because they no longer have anything left to offer. It's unavoidable, I can’t stop. I've never tried to for the purpose of relationships because in an attempt to be “good” and “honest”, I manipulate for the “right reasons”. Any time I talk to someone, I'm acutely aware of my word choice(s) and my actions and expressions of behavior, I say things the best way I can to get what I want. I act in a way that’s endearing and favorable. Even at my saddest, most miserable moment of depression I'm acutely aware of how I express my emotions, controlling that expression for the purpose of presenting the image which provides me with the greatest advantage to the person I am manipulating. Even when I like a man or woman, I manipulate them with the “best of intentions” that will allow me to ultimately “win” the game that I am playing.

But whatever the reason for the lack of respect I begin to feel it’s just familiarity breeding contempt, hate and disgust and I eventually become mildly sadistic to everyone I no longer respect. I order them around or will take control them sexually, constantly needing to assert my dominance. Mild put-downs are the norm, and while I make an effort to say both positive s, it's usually the negative, blunt and mean ones that come out of my mouth. If someone is mean or controlling to me, all the better. I enjoy that sort of confrontation and it usually it escalates until all we're doing is bitching, yelling and in extreme cases, fighting with each other; battling for control. Then I get bored and disengage mentally.

Having just described myself as a nasty, wretched ****, you might be surprised to find that I generally consider myself a loving, loyal, sincere, honest, generous, kind, gentle, good and decent person. I get depressed, angry and hate myself sometimes but it’s because I have such an intense need to love but hate most everything at the very same time. My true nature is that of honesty but it’s also my prison because I don’t trust anyone who is dishonest; being the majority of the population. I am overly nice and sweet sometimes but that’s just me being fake. I tend to be free and generous with things that make me seem favorable in the eyes of my “friends”, like money, drugs, favors, etc. I'm a good listener, give great advice (mostly loving, honest and caring actually and without manipulation unless the person has clearly ****** me over in some way) and a great confidant. And sometimes, not always with the people I'm close to I reveal some of my vulnerability and pain. Generally I do this when I am manipulating someone to feel compassion and sympathy for me when I am in need of love and attention.

In fact, most people look at me and think “… she’s a good and loyal person." Unless I believe it to be warranted and mostly it is, I feel guilt, remorse and empathy. I have a conscience and so by definition alone, I cannot be a full-fledged sociopath. But I am very self-aware and realize that I definitely have socio-tendencies as I have named them. Not surprising then, that I have been in love before with that one man I consider to be my one and only true, “best friend”. Obviously, our relationship was crazy, turbulent and full of pain. My friendships are full of control but in an honest, loyal and trustworthy way. In the sense that they think of me as their “trusted, loyal, confidant” and I use them in return for free vacations, drugs, alcohol, fun, gifts and partying, etc. Do I truly “love” them? Not sure. I know I’m most definitely “not in love” with them. I don’t want to hurt them or cause them pain but I am more than anything “ambivalent”. Would I take a bullet for them? ****, no. Would I take a bullet for my immediate family or the man I am committed to? ****, yes. They’re the only ones who keep me alive and kicking. If it weren't for the pain and suffering my family would feel if I offed myself, I would've let go years ago. They’re the reasons I go on in this self-inflicted pain and suffering instead. In an attempt to be my selfless, sympathetic, caring, self.

Today, as with every day, I cried in my car while loathing in my own self-pity, guilt and regret about hurting the one man who truly loved me with all his heart and ultimately him fulfilling my pain and fear of abandonment and being alone. In that same breath of over emotion and pain, I was was psychologically obsessing mentally over my male borderline love interest who I cannot seem to “win” with. I love to hate him. I have one man in my heart and another man in my head. One dominates my unstable emotions and feelings and the other dominates my brain entirely and together, they make up the one perfect, unattainable man who essentially doesn't love me. How the **** do compartmentalize and love more than one person at the same ******* time?! That’s me. A female borderline sociopath who’s going home after work today to get ridiculously drunk and high until she blacks out and waits for the next Groundhog Day to start off with the same, overbearing pain of anxiety and my ****** up, twisted, reality.
ClazzyGalXO ClazzyGalXO
36-40, F
Nov 21, 2013