Can Anyone Relate?

I'm not going to write out my long history because to be honest I've worked hard to try to block out alot of it. I fear opening that door to my memories would be risky and dangerous. My first incident/hospitalization was at 9 years old. After doing research I diagnosed myself at about 18, then doctors confirmed it at 19 (during my 3rd or 4th hospital stay).

I have a book called "I hate you, dont leave me". It is a good book in the way that you read other's stories and how they were treated etc. The problem is whenever I read online about BPD or books like that, or try to find other treatments I dont know about, I swear it triggers what I like to call my "monster". I keep my monster (aka borderline) in a cage in a corner of my brain and when I read those things it shakes the cage trying to get free to start controlling every aspect of my life that I've finally made "normal".

With me my bpd is now in cycles. Yes I have my everyday extremes, I'm the most indecisive person, and I do cut myself frequently. The worst part though is my anxiety, this is more recent though. I'm terrified of everything. I NEVER leave the house, I'm on disability..well anyhow I'm not gonna get into all that. I'm just wondering, if for anyone else it seems that the bpd acts up more at certain times, I dont mean stressful times necessarily, times like, when youre researching it. Its almost like the harder I try to make it better, or learn about it, the worse it gets, like its something inside fighting me. Maybe this all sounds crazy, but thats essentially what I am right? =P

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13 Responses Feb 2, 2009

know you ar eright i can relate to everything you are saying hugs to you

Mine is in cycles alright....monthly so the closer to my period the crazier I get that is why I thought I suffered PMDD premenstral disphoric disorder. Seasonal...winter I suck and then the time of year too, between July and October I am off the radar, my birthday is in October so I thought that might be the trigger... and yes the more I research the **** of a disorder the sicker I am getting. I hope that all this searching for a way to cope is woth it.

I have bpd..whew that's the first time i say that. I have no friends. I'm lost all of the time. I never believed that another person could understand. It doesn't do any good to go into my problems there aren't enough hours or words. I understand pain that's what i can say.

Yes- I can relate to this.

Thank you for this post. I'm receiving treatment and although it's helpful seeing what it is i'm going through and knowing it's not just me, I do find it triggers stuff for me to. I just try to take it easy and read things a little at a time, write any bad thoughts down and talk it over with my shrink when I can.

You aren't crazy at all. I'm 20 and diagnosed a while back after I tried to commit suicide. I'm a med student and I deal with ill people everyday. I believe mental illness is just like a physical illness. The cure is just pretty complicated.

I also live with BPD, and I find it real hard. I do not understand way I do some off the things I have done and still do. I also self harm and have tried suicide. I work real hard at knowing what it is, how to change my thoughts and the way I react and do not react to things. Some times I do great, but than someone can say something or push me away and it starts all over again. I have only read up on this disorder in the last week. The doctors tell me not to worry about it, however when I read about it I found myself being scared off what this disorder does and can do to me. Than I feel awful inside and I am messed up again. So I knew how u feel, they are triggers that gets it going but I never knew witch ones and when it will happened. So it is nice to knew we are not alone, but in myself I feel alone.

You aren't crazy at all. I am 19 years old and was just diagnosed with bpd. The more I read about it, the more anxious I become until my "monster" takes over.

Reading peoples stories doesnt help me much except when Im feeling alone in the world. Sometimes a friend will get me started on the subject and it gets me rowled up because I know they dont know what im talking about when they act like they understand.

Reading your story was almost like reading about myself, I like your analogy of you BDP as a caged monster. It really feels like that doesn't it? I've never known admitted to having this disorder until I guess I said too much...It seemed like something I should hide. But I wanted a doctor to tell me I had this disorder, not go in and give them hints...Just to know for sure.... Being frightened, anxious, I can't drive, and am applying for disability, not because of the BDP although this past year its been terribly hard to work and hide my monster. My monster clawing through the bars of his cage and screaming to get out.... I know how you feel. I hope you get better, to where you feel normal again. But maybe you've forgotten what thats like, like myself..... I hope you make the best of your situation, BDP's are usually highly intelligent people, I'm sure if you found a way to cope better you'd be very successful in whatever you do. Even if you feel disconnected from the world, its still connected to you. There are people who understand and know how hard it is, and I want you to know. You will get better if you try. Really Try and meds aren't enough.

I too have bpd and bp1. I'm not sure that I cage it, but rather almost live a life that is not mine so that I don't deal with it and everything that comes with it. I'm not sure I'm even explaining this the right way. I have been in and out of the hospitals since my late teens and I am now 33 and just had a 1 1/2 mos admission just 3 mos ago. It seems that when I try to live my messed up life I can't function and tend to make bad and very impulsive decisions that never have a good outcome for myself or anyone around me. So I try to live a life that I want people to believe is mine. This way I'm not frowned upon. Unfortunately, I can only do it for so long and back to just plain old me. Which in all actuality is not very plain at all rather very complex! I'm sorry I'm feeling very anxious tonight and seem to just be rambling. Maybe I'll be of better sorts tomorrow!

In response to Sudonym's comment, I'm not sure that's entirely accurate. Personality disorders are, more or less, dysfunctional patterns of thinking which are so deeply ingrained as to be part of one's personality. Perhaps they made sense, say in childhood, or in a terribly abusive situation, or even as a way to deal with an imbalance in the way the brain works (like excessive emotional sensitivity), but they've taken on a life of their own and are now maladaptive.<br />
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Antisocial might be an exception to this, but I'm pretty sure borderline isn't.

my friend has BPD she gets very bad temperd is that part of it? im trying to understand her while reading ur story to see if it helps...