Can Anyone Relate?
I'm not going to write out my long history because to be honest I've worked hard to try to block out alot of it. I fear opening that door to my memories would be risky and dangerous. My first incident/hospitalization was at 9 years old. After doing research I diagnosed myself at about 18, then doctors confirmed it at 19 (during my 3rd or 4th hospital stay).
I have a book called "I hate you, dont leave me". It is a good book in the way that you read other's stories and how they were treated etc. The problem is whenever I read online about BPD or books like that, or try to find other treatments I dont know about, I swear it triggers what I like to call my "monster". I keep my monster (aka borderline) in a cage in a corner of my brain and when I read those things it shakes the cage trying to get free to start controlling every aspect of my life that I've finally made "normal".
With me my bpd is now in cycles. Yes I have my everyday extremes, I'm the most indecisive person, and I do cut myself frequently. The worst part though is my anxiety, this is more recent though. I'm terrified of everything. I NEVER leave the house, I'm on disability..well anyhow I'm not gonna get into all that. I'm just wondering, if for anyone else it seems that the bpd acts up more at certain times, I dont mean stressful times necessarily, times like, when youre researching it. Its almost like the harder I try to make it better, or learn about it, the worse it gets, like its something inside fighting me. Maybe this all sounds crazy, but thats essentially what I am right? =P