In the Beginning...

I rarely, if ever, discuss the psychiatric issues I've had in my life. Those that know me well do realize I have bouts of depression. I've been diagnosed since I was about 13. But, since then, I've noticed something else going on. I'm not just depressed. I have stormy relationships with women and friends, 'black and white' thinking, chronic feelings of emptiness and failure, impulsive and reckless behavior, not being able to remember what you said or did in times of high stress, and probably most noticeable of all, severe shifts in mood and feeling.

I didn't know what was wrong with me until I was finally "officially" diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder recently. While it comes as somewhat a relief to know that I have something that actually has a name, the downside is, the disorder itself is not treatable with medication. The individual components (the depression, anxiety, mood swings) are treatable, but the rest of the destructive behaviors (stormy relationships, sensitivity to rejection or criticism, heavy need for affection and reassurance) are only treatable by intensive therapy. These behaviors have been developing in me since I was a child, and they provided some need, or protection, but right now, this disorder is destroying me. I hate what I have become.

It's hard when a relationship or friendship is destroyed based on my impulsive actions to explain, 'Oh, I have BPD, so that's why I did this.' That's unacceptable because one day, they're not going to come back. Ever. There's only so much abuse people will put up with. And that's a regret I'm going to have to live with. My therapist always says that regret is a wasted emotion. I don't think so. I think you need to regret things to learn from your mistakes, so you never have to regret anything ever again.

I'm talking about this here because Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively controversial and underdiagnosed disorder. But it is very real, and can be very disruptive and destructive not only in the sufferers life, but for those around him. Maybe someone you know has it but doesn't even know it. According to the DSM-IV, these are nine basic criteria, five of which must be present to be diagnosed with BPD. If you see any of these in yourself, or in someone you love, urge them to get help. It is not very common, and is estimated to be found in 1 to 2% of the general U.S. population at any give time.

I used to be on 6 different medications at one time once I was diagnosed with BPD. The biggest problem I had were my mood swings.

Now, it's just everything else. And they don't make a medication for that.

theseblues theseblues
36-40, M
3 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Its quite a slap in the face to be told that your screwed up for life isnt it? I've just been recently diagnosed myself. I've also only recently found this site. I figured it would be best to rant and rave amongst people who have the same problem as I do than rant and rave at the rest of the world. The world isnt going to get you, never has... never will... but we will ^_^ so it kind of makes you feel a little bit better knowing that there is help out there. <br />
Kudos for sharing your story.

Congratulations, you've taken the first steps in healing, like you I had all those destructive behaviors, story "relationships" impulsive behaviors, drinking to oblivion, I've sooooo been there. I was relieved when there was an actual diagnosis but damn the fall out is so frustrating and learning new ways of thinking is really hard.<br />
<br />
Glad you started therapy dude, best of luck and I hope your life gets better! Keep posting!!

Being able to to talk about it openly, must be a little bit of relief. I understand what you're going through because of my own struggles with mental health. Depression is a big enough struggle of its own, compliling numerous other symptoms on top of that makes your situation that much more complex. I hope you find solice and strength- I'm here if you ever need to vent. I know what its like when you've pushed everyone away from you- you still need someone to listen and empathize with you but they're gone. I sincerely wish you the best. :)