Hello? I'm In Here I Swear to God I Am

A phone conversation I just had with my boyfriend went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Bf: Hey i saw that you called
Me: Yeah, what's going on?
Bf: Not feeling so hot, came home from work, took some benedril and passed out
Me: Do you need a cuddle buddy tonight?
Bf: no, not really babe, i'm not up for it, i didn't sleep well last night, i just want to crash
me: what did I do wrong?
bf: nothing babe, I'm just not feeling well
Me: I'm sorry i didn't mean to bother you, I'm going to go
bf: no, no babe tomorrow when you get out of work?
me: i guess, but why not tonight?
bf: i just  want to sleep by myself tonight
me: i'll do anything! i'll sleep on the floor if you want!
bf: haha no babe don't do this, i'm sorry i just need to rest up tonight
me: why, do you not sleep well when I'm with you?
bf: no i do, it's just, ugh, babe i'm sorry i'm not up for it
me: i'm sorry i failed you, i didn't mean it i swear!
bf: honey, you did nothing wrong, you know i love you right?
me: yeah, well, i guess... i think..
bf: to the moon and back to the stars babe I love you so much
me: but i'm crazy
bf: no you're not, you're wonderful, you just had a lot of ****** people hurt you and are really gun shy as a result
me: you'll get sick of me and leave me
bf: no i won't
me: that's what everyone else said
bf: i'm not everyone else

the thing is: I was TOTALLY cool with the fact that he wanted to be by himself tonight, but i proceeded on with my insecurity ramble. I don't get it, and I don't get how to stop either. This relationship means the world to me and i'm so petrified that i'll ruin it (like all the others) that I am ruining it (like all the others)

and I just beat myself up over little things all the time

polkadotsandbubbles polkadotsandbubbles
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 7, 2007

I do the exact same thing and my boyfriend and I live together. He puts up with so much for me and yet I repeatedly get upset about silly little nonsense and then tell him that he could do better but I don't want him to do better, I want him to want to be with me. This is a common situation for me on a daily basis. You would think that I would just get it but there I go again.

at first, i was weirded out by the title of the group, but when i read your story, i could relate to it a lot. i've never really thought of myself as having mental/emotional problems, but i guess most people don't. that being said, when i'm in *certain* relationships, i can be very crazy. and i totally understand that insecurity and the ridiculousness of the fact that it seems so out of your hands! it's so frustrating, because you don't mean to do it, and you feel guilty for it, which just feeds the insecurity more!! what a circle.