Hello? I'm In Here I Swear to God I Am

A phone conversation I just had with my boyfriend went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Bf: Hey i saw that you called
Me: Yeah, what's going on?
Bf: Not feeling so hot, came home from work, took some benedril and passed out
Me: Do you need a cuddle buddy tonight?
Bf: no, not really babe, i'm not up for it, i didn't sleep well last night, i just want to crash
me: what did I do wrong?
bf: nothing babe, I'm just not feeling well
Me: I'm sorry i didn't mean to bother you, I'm going to go
bf: no, no babe tomorrow when you get out of work?
me: i guess, but why not tonight?
bf: i just  want to sleep by myself tonight
me: i'll do anything! i'll sleep on the floor if you want!
bf: haha no babe don't do this, i'm sorry i just need to rest up tonight
me: why, do you not sleep well when I'm with you?
bf: no i do, it's just, ugh, babe i'm sorry i'm not up for it
me: i'm sorry i failed you, i didn't mean it i swear!
bf: honey, you did nothing wrong, you know i love you right?
me: yeah, well, i guess... i think..
bf: to the moon and back to the stars babe I love you so much
me: but i'm crazy
bf: no you're not, you're wonderful, you just had a lot of ****** people hurt you and are really gun shy as a result
me: you'll get sick of me and leave me
bf: no i won't
me: that's what everyone else said
bf: i'm not everyone else

the thing is: I was TOTALLY cool with the fact that he wanted to be by himself tonight, but i proceeded on with my insecurity ramble. I don't get it, and I don't get how to stop either. This relationship means the world to me and i'm so petrified that i'll ruin it (like all the others) that I am ruining it (like all the others)

and I just beat myself up over little things all the time

polkadotsandbubbles polkadotsandbubbles
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 7, 2007

It's like Deja Vu. Its so hard not to act on our destructive behaviors but we have to learn to tame them. Its hard and it takes practice and a lot of it. I am in therapy 2x a week. It really helps.<br />
When your urges kick in try to find something to distract you. Put music on, get a meditation cd and put it in, call a friend, anything. Find something that works for you and keep doing it everytime you feel anxious. Its hard work but if you really want to get better you have to try. It may take a while but it will become second nature for you, I promise.<br />
Always here for you.

i do this. i do this all the time. i dont know why i go on and on, and keep telling myself that its gunna cause an argument and theres nothing wrong with him not wanting to hang out, but no matter how much i tell myself to shut up i just keep going on. afraid hes going to leave me. afraid he doesnt sleep well when im with him. afraid ive done something wrong. afraid hes going to go to another girl. <br />
<br />
i feel for you. <br />
i know your pain. <br />
im sorry you have to feel this way too.