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The Joyful Life of a Borderline/sociopath.

I live in a world where everyone is a cardboard cutout, a puppet, a means to an end, a fling to be discarded, a way to find connection, to plaster-over the lonelyness of my irreperable disconnection from mankind.

I'm a borderline, but I'm also a sociopath. It's a really weird combination. I'm both sensitive, vulnerable, and overly emotional, and yet detached from humanity. I'm virtually unable to find connection with others, and yet I need attachment, that completion.

When I'm by myself I default to a state of emotional vacancy and intolerable boredom, every moment must be filled by some activity or entertainment, and nothing holds my interest for long. The only interruptions are those of my own making, occasional manic episodes followed by deep troughs of depression.

And so I seek out people. Clubbing is my favorite social activity, constant superficial mingling combined with an environment friendly to drinking and drug use. A little intoxication goes a long way, people are drawn to me. I seem bright, happy, filled with life. My mix of total arrogance and self depricating humor is somehow magnetic, it makes it relatively easy to find friends or sexual partners, at least for the short term. I get bored of people just as quickly as everything else.

But in some ways, this is good. I'm usually attracted to the wrong sort of guys, the ones who share at least a small bit of my sociopathic nature. Men who're weak, the nice ones, the stupid ones, are just temporary amusement, people to mock and toy with until they realize they're not going to get laid and look elsewhere. I'd have to be desperate to sleep with someone like that.

And yet when I spend time with individuals, or small groups, I become hypersensative. Little things become big deals, small hurts bleed freely, and the cool, smooth emotional void that fills my days alone is replaced by a roller-coaster of wild reactions. Sometimes the presence and demands of others becomes an intollerable burden. Slowly, and then all at once, everything becomes horribly irritating.

Their words crawl under my skin and cannot be shed, everything they say to try to make things better only makes it worse, their presence alone is intolerable. I burst, scream at them, obscenities perhaps, or maybe I just tell them they should never have been born. Then, realizing this is sort of thing will harm my relationship with them, I apologize quickly. It's incencere, of course, all my apologies are. Sincerity of that nature would require I thought there was anything wrong with screaming at them, that I thought they were a real person. There are no people in my world, just placeholders where people are supposed to be.

Amazingly, most people seem to be able to tolerate this kind of behavior long enough for me to get bored with them. They might get upset, but I apologize so quickly, I'm obviously not myself and it usually doesn't last long, especially if I can get stoned to help calm myself down. I'm good at manipulation, at making everything seem reasonable and okay.

But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them. I don't know why exactly, perhaps because in one way that matters greatly to me they are invarriably weak. I don't have a concience, I'm glad I don't, it's something I would never change, but invariably the people I'm with are different. Things like right and wrong matter to them, and that's just stupid.

Or maybe it's simpler, sooner or later everyone becomes subject to my manipulation, and so lose a portion of my respect. It's unavoidable, I never stop. I've tried not to for the purpose of relationships, but I'm unable. Any time I talk (at least, when I'm in a rational headspace) I'm accutely aware of my word choice, I say things the best way I can to get what I want. Even at my saddest, most miserable moment of depression I'm acutely aware of how I express my emotions, controlling that expression for the purpose of presenting the image which provides me with the greatest advantage.

When I was young, my mother learned never to trust my tears. Sometimes I think some of the worst ways she treated me during my teenage years were actually defense mechanisms. It probably helped her, but as my borderline blossemed in my late teens my emotions were never believed. She could inadvertantly hurt me, and then tell me it was my fault for over-reacting, or never even believe that I was hurting at all.

But whatever the reason for the lack of respect, and perhaps it is just familiarity breeding contept (I'm good at contempt), I eventually become mildly sadistic to everyone I know. I order them around, constantly needing to assert my dominance. Mild putdowns are the norm, and while I make an effort to say both positive and negative things, it's usually the negative ones that come out of my mouth. If someone is catty with me, all the better. I enjoy that sort of thing greatly, and usually it escalates until all we're doing is bitching at eachother. Then I get bored and tell them to chill out.

Having just told you all these terrible things about myself, you might be surprised to find that I generally consider myself a decent person. Oh, I get depressed and hate myself sometimes, but it's not because of my minor cruelties, or even my intermittant criminal behavior (a good subject for another story, perhaps), it's more... vague. Open ended self hatred, I'm a loathsome person because <fill in the blank>. There isn't really a reason for it at all.

But most of the time, when I'm not really thinking about it, I'd say I'm not a bad person, maybe even a good person. I'd tell you that I'm nice most of the time, and in some ways I am. I tend to be free with things that don't matter a whole lot to me, like small amounts of money, drugs, little favors. I'm a good listener, and a good confidant. And with the people I'm close to I reveal some of my vulnerability and confusion, and that's always endeering.

But I rather doubt most people could look at me objectively and say, "yeah, she's a good person." More likely the opposite. But the thing is, the parts of me that I see as bad are those that are broken. My emotional hair-trigger, my inability to keep friendships, the fact that I have no self-discipline to speak of. My unfortunate vulnerability to the opions of others, my constant need to assert my superiority (which, frankly, is tiring as hell). These are what I see as bad. The hurts I do people, the things I steal, the people I use, the way I treat those close to me, none of these are bad at all. I have no concience, and so I have no guilt. Well, I should say no guilt for immoral acts. I still occasionally feel bad about a few occasions I got cought stealing or the likes... it's just that it's the getting cought I feel guilty about.

Surprisingly enough, I have been in love before (another topic for another story perhaps, it was a very violently turbulent romance), and I even have a best friend. My only real, true friend, though I usually use the word casually. She's a hippy, a nice person, she recycles and feels it's her purpose to help people. I don't understand how I formed a connection with her, it's something I rarely do with anyone, but strangely enough it happened. And for that matter, I don't know how she can tolerate me. Perhaps in part it's because she doesn't play along with my superiority games, and is okay with being bossed around a bit. And she doesn't have a hard time with my emotional surges, she's very empathic, and she's bipolar herself so she goes through similar problems. Sometimes I even (awkwardly, because I don't have much empathy) comfort her. I try, anyway.

Anyway, that's who I am, or at least my current perception of who I am. It changes frequently, I'm an unstable person and my self-assessments are naturally influenced by the moment.

Phage Phage 26-30, F 142 Responses Feb 18, 2009

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Thank you.

It seems I've read this post before because I actually "liked" it so that's how I know. But if I hadn't seen that then I would believe it was written by me or definitely for me and about me. This is truly me in a nutshell. Especially the detachment from humanity yet the need to connect and when there isn't any, it's a despair hard to explain. Problem is, I simply hate everyone. And unlike "normal" people, I can barely engage and or tolerate a conversation without getting bored and annoyed and bitchy let alone be in a "relationship" with someone I can't tolerate. It's a life of madness and internal chaos. Prison of the heart, mind and soul.

I was diagnosed bi polar but over time drs decided i was miss dx and actually have bpd. Recently though i have been feeling as though Im turning more sociopathic and antisocial. In my opinion everyone is full of **** and unless they can aid me in some way, i couldnt give less of a **** if anyone was ever around me. other ppl are an annoyance and a bore... I used to crumble when i was alone and wanted so badly to fit with others and "belong" but now i feel no one compares to me anyhow and no one seems worth the effort. I used to feel deeply about things and now Im mostly numb to all emotion except for rare fleeting feelings that quickly fade. Has any one else experienced this?

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so amazing

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/
I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

i know exactly what u are talking about. some things though are do a lesser or more degree than urs. like someone else said below though. its really a spectrum and as such u can have "symptoms" to a certain degree or another. i was diagnosed with having all of the PD's in cluster B. (antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder.) i was told that i was basically like a jigsaw puzzle that all of these disorders piece together to make up who i am. flowing seamlessly into each other. the more i research all of these PD's and pay closer attention to myself i see the "symptoms". i see why she diagnosed me as such. she recently told me that she believed growing up i had RAD (reactive attachment disorder) which if untreated can result in transforming into PD's.

i myself am very cold and detached. yet at the same time i can have very emotional outbursts. i hate ppl, yet when i decide to let someone close to me. if they pull away i react in true borderline fashion. i go into a rage and depression and do everything i can to keep them in my life. yet at the same time. i also push ppl out of my life all the time. so ppl in my life are on a constant revolving door. its very very contradictory. i feel no empathy, remorse/guilt, for ppl other than those i let close to me. then its no where near to the degree a normal person would. lying is like breathing to me. i generally just lie about small things. i find it does no good for big things because the truth always comes out. i do tend to manipulate ppl in any shape or fashion i see fit for the situation in order to get from them what it is i seek. which is why my emotional outbursts at times can come in handy. though they feel like **** when im going through them. i feel like im dying on the inside. i always look out for myself. i am more important than anyone else. i love to be the center of attention. especially if it has to do with sex. i use sex as a means to get what i can. though i absolutely love sex. I have broken the law a lot in my life. only small petty things though. i always feel a sense of entitlement. that if i want something from u i should always get it or my way. I can be very very spotlight oriented. if there is something i set my sights on i will not stop until it is mine. no matter what the consequences are. i havent the faintest idea about love or what its like. the closest thing i come to it is infatuation and obsession. once that leaves if the person is indeed still around i throw them away. if someone is to much emotional baggage for me i will throw them away. i will push them away also if i can sense they are about to leave me. basically i can say when i end things, you cant. i very much get amusement out of toying with ppl. as well as when they are in physical pain. i stay in a constant state of boredom, always looking for something to help ease it. i constantly have several things going on at once. i get very restless lots of times. i need very high constant stimulation to even feel alive. when i dont have that i feel dead and i start to spiral into a deep depression. attention i crave it i love it. especially in the form of sexual attention. its like a drug. i start going crazy without it. there is so much more i could add but i think ive said enough. actually way to much already. lol

I've never read something so like me in my life. Almost word for word is my own thoughts. Even the events of feelin in love wiv an abusive partner an best friend who has bipolar. I was diagnosed with bpd. And I am almost certain I am a sociopath. Great read and another confirmation to tell me im a sociopath. Thank you for this.

i can so relate to you big time it make sme feel depressed that im that kind of person i always need attention my therapist once told me as i never got it from my parents i seeked it out as a teenager very rebellious and promiscious im not like that now havent been since i was a teenager but there is one man im addicted to sex with he helps me out but i guess i discard him too but hes alcholic im not one minute hes nice one one minute hes a creep and i think that ever since i met him ive become a monster hes too complicate dfaTHER FIGURE BUT NOT TO BR MEAN HES VERY SCWED UP I FEEL WORSE AROUND HIM ALL HE EVER WANT IS SEX AND IALL EVER WANT TO SHOPPING I GUESS TO FILL THE VOID I ALL WATS WANT MONEY IM NOT A RESPONSIBLE PERSON SOMETIME SI MAKE BAD DECIONS WHEN I SHOP AT TIMES LIKE BUY A PACK OF SMOKES AND NOT BUYING FOOD GET MYSELF IN A VICIOUS CYLE OF BORING MONEY CAUSE I EAT TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY OR BORED OR TO FILL THE VOID OR I THINK IF I EAT HEALTHY I FEEL BETTER AND THE PAIN WILL GO AWAY

It's uncanny how much your story seems like something I would write. I am undiagnosed, but I am also Sociopath/Borderline.
The borderline thing is a pain in the ***, is it not? It does give us the advantage though, that we can read people better than anyone. Better than a regular sociopath.
I've read, and you may be interested to know, that apparently, people like us if we go too "dark side", too Socio and not enough Borderline, apparently we become incurable. So it's up to you whether to embrace your inner monster, or try and fight it, because the Borderline side offers the potential for a possible cure.

Personally, I see no benefit in being a slave to emotions, so I know my path. Good luck with whatever yours may be.

Do not speak to me as though I am an idiot. I don't need a bullet list of symptoms I already know what they are. This is a page about having BOTH disorders simultaneously, known as co-morbid. Idiot.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

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This is sad. Essentially, it's written by who vacillates between recognizing an inner emptiness, feeling "a little" conflicted about it, but at the same time taking some kind of pleasure and reverence in being this way. After all, you can be this person's friend if you need them - but if you don't, you're not worthy or weak.

It's commendable to see someone this honest, but at the same time, the people offering support and acceptance are likely not thinking about the end result. The inability to form lasting bonds, the need to use others and reject what you term as "weak" is nothing more than an inability to recognize the strength of others - the fact that it takes courage to feel, courage to share, courage to be empathetic, courage to offer yourself to someone, courage to be truthful to yourself and those around you, and ultimately, courage to offer yourself to someone and hope for the best. This is the truest definition of strength.

Instead, much of the support (not all) is coming from people who are the truest definition of weak: Afraid, alone and constantly trying to fill a hole that can't be filled - and if some people they see as "weak" get in the way, then so be it. Again, they aren't weak - the people who do this are weak.

The people who suffer from these people are able to rebound. They learn, they grow and they form long-lasting friendships, have families and truly rewarding lives.

I hope that for anyone who sees this in themselves that they are able to see that they need help and seek that help and not use this post as justification for the long, lonely life that awaits.

I have borderline personality traits and I can assure that I am one of the most caring people around. I still have those feelings of emptiness, feel depressed and anxious most of the time, am emotionally reactive, etc. but it doesn't mean I go around using and manipulating people. And I also know other people on this site with BPD who are caring human beings and try their best to get better! I think it's kind of pathetic they way some people are glorifying their sociopathic traits.

I think it's pathetic that you are ignorant about this subject matter, only have "traits" of ONE of the disorders involved and have some screwed up need to butt in and speak up against people you cannot hope to empathize with. You talk so disparagingly about Sociopathic traits (thoughtless of the fact that ASPD is a mental disorder people are afflicted with, usually by trauma, without choice, same as any other), but you're doing such a wonderful job displaying some of your own, you hypocrite.
Go boost your sad sense of self-worth instead of getting your kicks by talking down to mentally ill people.

...self-worth elsewhere,* instead..

I agree. Its refreshing to hear someone be so honest. It was your post and a great one at that. No one cares what lagatta has to say it was not about them. It's a way that people are it cannot be helped jus like any other mental illness or personal personality traits one has. Why do people who know nothing about the illness have to comment with bullshit. Also why have they chosen to enjoy winding some one mentally ill up then say they are an extremely caring person. I personally think they come across as a ****

I think the problem with this post and the people that identify with it is that it glamourizes and celebrates the dark side of the disorder and gives borderline personality a bad rap. I am all for helping people but I have no desire to enable and glorify hurtful behavior. Yes, I myself fight with feelings of despair, darkness and emptiness and it's NO fun. So I can empathize with that part of it. I also think that most people have the skill to manipulate and use people but it's not something to be proud and boast about.

Also you are not your mental illness. You are you and have an illness. Like all illnesses it needs to be treated. No it will never go away but it can be managed to a certain extent.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

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I'm borderline and a sociopath too. I think it's fairly common for those to go together. There's actually a thought that borderline is the diagnosis of female sociopaths.

Sociopaths without co-morbid BPD do not have the vicious mood swings Borderlines or Borderline/Sociopaths do. It's a neat theory, and I believe that is because the disorders are related, causatively, but they cannot be one and the same.

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i have read this before! its extremely interesting to me.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

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I can't believe it, I could have wrote this myself. So happy I am not alone.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Are you guys capable of real, loving long lasting relationships?

Yes. We most definitely are. Even if it's in "our own way".

Funny this. No don't get upset about me saying so - there's no need. I'm a Borderline Sociopath myself. Got diagnosed early this year. Finally I found myself. And guess what - my wife is a Sociopath also, she's been diagnosed for years.... and I only found out ... early this year - no surprise there, right?

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I was diagnosed with bpd, narcissism and anti-social traits about 7 Years Ago. However, just like everybody is on the autism scale, we are also on these scales to. I have manipulative abilities, as we all do, but these days, as i have matured, I use them in a more satisfying nature and manipulate people to see the good in themselves. I suffer from depression and anxiety too but try to use Buddhism, mantras and affirmations to ease these. The echos of our minds are our worst enemies when it comes to disorders such as these. I have beauty in me the same as every other soul on this planet. We are not different per say, just aware of our uniqueness. You know your manipulative and you can conciously, with hard work, change what you do with that talent :)

Now this is a reply that brings a smile to my face! :) Thank you!

:)

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My son has been diagnosed with BPD, yet sometimes I have always wondered if he was also a sociopath. After reading this young lady's story, I am now convinced he is both. Sadly he will never understand how much anguish his actions has caused others or how strong a mother's love is in spite of.

Not all borderline people are sociopaths. I believe this young women is probably a more rare case.

True they are not, however my son has both traits. The only remorse he feels is for himself when he gets caught stealing. It is fascinating to watch him in action, how quickly he can turn it around and put the blame on you...the victim. Example: If you wouldn't of had the money then it would have not been stolen. That is his thinking process. But it's the layer upon layers of lies that are so elaborate in detail that it boggles the mind and I think he believes them. He is everything the young lady wrote and more. He is very scary and I am very fearful.

(Hugs) That's a lot to deal with!

It is a lot to deal with...thank you for the hug, I needed that!

Those traits are more than sufficiently covered by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD does not come out of thin air, you deserve to fear the monster you created. Considering my own childhood, I can only imagine how horrible of a parent you are.

Well...to TheStrangestManAlive I am sorry that you suffer from BPD, so therefore I will forgive you for your rude comment. Unfortunately no one knows for sure why someone develops this terrible deliberating disorder. My son was neither neglected or abused in our home. Something happened to my sweet son between the ages of 3 and 4 and at the first onslaught of his personality change we sought out help from some of the finest doctors in our area and never got a definite diagnosis until his early adult years while seeking treatment at UVA hospital. It has been an uphill battle. Trying to pinpoint as to what trauma may have triggered BPD I have narrowed it down to that I suspect he was either physically or sexually abused while he was under the care of a new babysitter. To explain, when I interviewed this person she was watching 7 other children, but within a few weeks time she told me that almost all the mothers had pulled their children out of her care. She didn't know why. However, working full time in sales, I was only taking him there on Saturdays because I had another sitter for the other days. Soon I noticed he refused to get out of the car, kicking and screaming all the while, when I would drop him off at her home. Then one day she told me he ran away, but had been found later in a large drainage pipe. That was the last time I took him there. In my heart and to this day I truly believe that something horrific happened in that house of hers. I blame myself for not pulling him out of there sooner, but hindsight is 20/20. I love my son, I will always love my son and I wish so much for him to be well. And I wish you well. :)

Please get yourself a complete diagnosis.

I apologize for the accusation, find that woman and make her pay...

Apology accepted. Although we had moved to another state by this time I did make every effort to track her down, but she had moved and I was unable to make contact with her. So you move on and do the best you can. I do not know the circumstances of your childhood, but I doubt it was favorable. Do yourself one favor...forgive. Life is a wondrous thing and forgiving will allow you the freedom to live it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

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Wow. That is me. Almost to the letter. Super insightful. Reading this made me realize things about myself I didnt fully understand. Use spell check next time though. Just saying

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Add a response...

I love you. I am the exact same person as you except the fact that I keep my friends under my controle but thats because they are emotionaly dependant on me

message me if you wanna talk :)

I would love to chat.

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Please check out my profle and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

your story gave me valuable insight as to another's behavior on EP. thank you for sharing this info. I had no idea someone could be both sociopathic and BPD. I am currently reading a book about BPD to know more.

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

****. I respect you. In fact, you rather intrigue me. I'm currently being treated for Borderline with past diagnoses of Major Depression and Anxiety. I'm severely empathetic, but oddly have been turning it on and off lately. I won't lie, it would be easier turning off the empathy permanently. It makes **** more complicated.

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Thank you for your honesty. Take what you described and change to someone who tries to have morals but can't be consistent with them because she is too insecure and who falls apart if someone is critical or does not like her, and you have my wife.
I am divorcing my wife after 30 plus years of marriage. the only real regret i have over it is in not leaving her sooner. I have read and will continue to read stories about how it feels to be a borderline because i want to gain some insight into what it is like for them. I do not however buy into the notion that knowing what it is like for them or knowing how they feel makes any real difference in a relationship especially one like mine where she refuses to even consider there is "anything wrong with her".
There is this mistaken notion that I do not understand my wife and if I only did it would make some great difference. The truth is she has treated me like crap for years and understanding why she treats me like crap isn't going to help much. Once I realized that 1) I wasn't doing her any good by staying and 2) she isn't going to get any better, I realized leaving was the only real option I had.
She always had a close friend too but a few years ago she broke off all contact with her and will not tell me why. Her other close friend live in another state now and was studying to be some type of counselor. The last time she was in town she wanted to give us some type of counseling session because of some new method she learned that was wonderful. when I told her it was a waste of time and that my wife would just reject everything she agree to in any counseling session (as was her pattern), I was assured that they were too close of friends for her to EVER let this happen but of course it did.
She also had this very strange habit of being very forgiving to people who were frankly very abusive to her. It made no sense to me but she showed this behavior many times with different people. Go figure. Anyway thanks for sharing.

Please Read The Post Carefully. IT IS NOT WRITTEN FOR SUPPORT. It is written for
"(fill in the blanks)" just as the writer feels about herself. She doesn't wish to be cured, nor shows any willingness to put up any hard work to become normal (even if say that is possible). She is simply stating that she is a monster in human form (emotionless, remorseless and conscienceless, who manipulates n uses people as cards). This post should send a shudder down the spine of normal people, especially those who ever were a victim of one!

Demonizing anyone is useless. Seek help for your own pain, and leave others out of it. There are no monsters. None. Just people with all kinds of flaws. If you don't want to be used, strengthen yourself. The traits you describe are that of any common salesman, so these rarer types are not your real concern.

I couldn't agree with you more, especially the line where you wrote, "If you don't want to be used, strengthen yourself".

Soooo insightful! Thank you! :) Are you officially diagnosed as having both of these disorders?? I've been wondering if it's even possible to have both. I have BPD & some features of Narcissistic PD & I suspect I have some features of Antisocal PD as well.

I identified so strongly with the following passage that reading it was almost like taking a peek into my diary!

"Amazingly, most people seem to be able to tolerate this kind of behavior long enough for me to get bored with them. They might get upset, but I apologize so quickly, I'm obviously not myself and it usually doesn't last long, especially if I can get stoned to help calm myself down. I'm good at manipulation, at making everything seem reasonable and okay.

But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them. I don't know why exactly, perhaps because in one way that matters greatly to me they are invarriably weak. I don't have a concience, I'm glad I don't, it's something I would never change, but invariably the people I'm with are different. Things like right and wrong matter to them, and that's just stupid.

Or maybe it's simpler, sooner or later everyone becomes subject to my manipulation, and so lose a portion of my respect. It's unavoidable, I never stop. I've tried not to for the purpose of relationships, but I'm unable. Any time I talk (at least, when I'm in a rational headspace) I'm accutely aware of my word choice, I say things the best way I can to get what I want. "

Thanks again for sharing

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All I can say is I had a Child to one, 9 years married and your story is almost identical except you appoligise, I came here to understand and I still can't believe you can act this way KNOWING what your doing.Please don't have kids.

It's obviously not in our control. Sabotaging every aspect of your own life &amp; having to KNOW that you are responsible (&amp; then read rude comments about it on supportive forums ^^ *ahem* ) is not exactly fun &amp; certainly is not a conscious choice. The fact that this person apologizes &amp; has achieved such a degree of self awareness &amp; understanding is laudable. You came here to understand? Then just keep reading &amp; lurk moar because you obviously do not understand. I hope you don't have kids who have this disorder.

It is in your control!!! Take responsibility for your actions.

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I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Hi Survivordad,
I am also a victim of a BPD male (Married for 14years &amp; a son of 13 with him). Welcome to their cardboard world. We were of use to them. They idolized us once, won over our hearts by exactly tutored romantic steps (they learn it by heart and become expert romanticists) and slowly we put our guards down. We become vulnerable, just like any human being. Then these guys attack: they cheat on us, manipulate us, gaslight us and use us. We understand, we are being manipulated. But we are stuck as we think of kids, our joint families and future together. But remember: for these guys, we are just cards of use...

Now as the gaps between the projected and reality gets sharper, we understand more, we understand that we are being manipulated. These guys sense that all of it is not going to continue...that one cheating or may be two was forgiven...but this has been one too many. They also inherently know that they are/have been useless...they contributed almost nothing in the family. All the donkey work of child rearing and paying the bills is being done by these cards of use...they know that tipping point is near. They have huge issues with abandonment. They know they are worthy of being left alone. So, what do they do. THEY LEAVE...N REWRITE HISTORY. How miserable the marriage was, How horrible the spouse and the kids have been....etc. etc.

These guys are just "bad luck". They have human form, nevertheless. How else would you describe a human without emotions and a sense of right/wrong. They are Bad Luck. Period.

And dear friend, bad luck can strike the prepared as well as unprepared, the good and the bad, the learned and the laymen....they just happen. I don't know why this lady wrote so elaborately: However, my research on my ex and his other friends etc. suggest that I already knew these monsters anyways.

So, instead of begging these guys (see reaction of fellow BPDs when you wrote for mercy on kids or spouses)...let us understand that we have met an accident, the day we fell in love with one of these guys or rather infected with a deadly disease (BAD LUCK)...as time progressed the disease progressed...n we had to amputate a part of ourselves out with this disease (the BPD is a disease: A form of BAD LUCK).

We have to learn to live with it. In fact, if possible we should form an organization to help fellow people understand and not fall for their very romantic endeavors etc. This will be a good cause :) to work for. I am willing to work for victims of BPDs

Excuse me but this is a forum for people suffering from these mental illnesses and for us to support each other. Go find a support group for loved ones or people affected by BPD/Sociopaths and do ur tirades there! Not welcome in this thread sry

Yep been there done that and will be paying financially for the rest of my life. My BPD wife is just too sick to work but not sick enough to even try to get disability. She is a professional victim but put me through hell for years until it got to the point I couldn't even live with her anymore. I was a fool for staying as long as I did but I didn't believe in divorce. I didn't believe in living with an abusive spouse either but somehow I never applied this belief to MY life. Like you say though I had to amputate and i did. It sucks and it has consequences but I did it.

Dear OmyTVC15,
I am sorry for all of us, victims. I just wish that kids are not involved in such cases. You and I would move on...even if amputated. It is the kids, who will know the dysfunctional as normal. I feel very sorry for my kid and try to compensate for his dad as much as possible :)
For us, we need to just treat this as an accident/ bad luck, where we had no control. Just like we have a post-accident life, we should have a post-BPD life. We were not responsible for it, and couldn't have done anything about it either :) Just earn enough dear and think of it like Friction, a necessary evil.
Good Luck with Healing and Wish you a Great Future Ahead!

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Very well written, I agree and relate wholeheartedly.

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Thank you for the post. I could relate to this so well. I feel more or less the same , but I am never able to confide in anyone. My parents feel I am normal but I feel I need to see a counselor. What should I do?

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

Me

I was married to someone like you for about 3-1/2 years, but we only lived together about 18 months. We went through a lot of counseling but I finally realized that she did not want to change so I filed for divorce. Those were the most stressful years of my life.

And who cares all borderlines just write things at the time because they feel like it the next day they can be feeling something compl different hahahhahah get over yourselves and get a grip stop being weak if you have a personality disorder get over it and stop letting it control your life because its only you that controls it its psychological cannot be treated using meds etc!!!, so get a grip your even manipulating now !! just pull yourself together otherwise live a ****** life having bpd and feeling sorry for yourself

Oi retard up there borderline pd, and sociapath is not the same!!!!... are you stupid two completely diff things you get 9 diff categories of borderline so you can either be detatched and feel no guilt etc or not or ever want to be alone haha and feel guilt etc, i have boderline and bipolar so i know what im talking about¬¬

i meant to say down there lol

Please don't spread your ignorance to other people. Don't call her a retard for expressing herself. How dare you think that you have the right to call someone's personal experience stupid. Expressing frustration or hopelessness about having BPD is completely valid. This is a forum that is meant to be helpful and nurturing, not judgmental. The response box above asks you to respond with authenticity, support, and respect. Your responses may be authentic, but they certainly aren't respectful or supportive. Besides, having bi-polar and borderline doesn't make you an expert on the topics. Back off.

I just realized how old these comments were. I feel a bit silly for getting so ticked off.

Just did the same thing. :

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I'm compiling a note I am readying to present to a mental health worker as when I visit them my head is such a mess I never end up telling them the right things to say and often wind up grossly misdiagnosed. 90% of what you wrote here could very well have been written by my own hand; the only real differences being your interest in clubbing and the genders involved, really. <br />
<br />
I hope you don't mind if I take some of the more desc<x>riptive aspects of this post and add it to my note to further illustrate how my mind works at a deeper level than what my friends and family believe, even when I try to explain it to them. You have put into text what I have been trying to put verbally for maybe 15 years. I am a 25 year old male, and only now have I two friends who suspect I am Borderline. My father believes he is Sociopathic, as I have believed I have been too for the past ten years. <br />
<br />
Smoking pot and violent videogaming have been my only "happy" releases from this otherwise colourless world I live in. The games I play seem more 'real' than the reality I wake up to every morning, and it would seem as though you may feel the same. Once again, thank you for this post. I hope that someday, people like you and I can feel the true happiness that we endeavor for.

Borderline, sociopath is pretty much the same thing to me. I feel so so so sorry for you. It must be horrible not to experience Love. I believe that one could never be truly happy unless they feel Love for others. I believe that anyone who truly desires to change, can change. Even if that means going to therapy and getting on medication to help with impulsivity and mood swings. You really don't have to be he way you described. All humans have the ability to change if they really want to.

no there not the same thing

no*

**** sake NO*

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I feel as if this post was a mirror image of myself writing something I know I never could. Thank you.

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

It looks to me ( but I could be wrong) that your not borderline at all , just a flat out sociopath , anti social, maybe a few symptoms of borderline , but yet I think everybody does , so tell your doctor to scratch the borderline cause I'm convinced your anti social!!!!

HAHA, no shes borderline haha, either that or why the **** is the psychiatrist working that diagnosed her?

and it possible to be both

Also, please check out my profile and also follow my blog at: http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

I would really love to hear your feedback and for you to share your stories and comment on mine.

The question that needs considering is: When the borderline personality is acting, and looking, like a sociopath, is it the case that he or she, in these states, effectively is a sociopath?<br />
<br />
It should be noted that behaviors per se are never sociopathic, only the individuals perpetrating them. Sociopathy is a mentality from which antisocial, exploitative behaviors gestate and emanate with a destructive, historical chronicity. But one can infer the presence of the sociopathic mentality from a telling pattern of behaviors.<br />
<br />
Clearly there are fundamental differences between borderline personalities and sociopaths, differences which I appreciate. At the same time, when the borderline personality’s rage or desperation is evoked, one sees (and not rarely) responses that can closely correspond to the sociopath’s calculating, destructive mentality.<br />
<br />
Once inside this mentality, I’m suggesting that borderline personality-disordered individuals can lapse into a kind of transient sociopathy. Commonly, victims of the “borderline’s” aberrant, vicious behaviors will sometimes react along the lines of, “What is wrong with you? Are you some freaking psychopath?” They will say this from the experience of someone who really has just been exploited as if by a psychopath.<br />
<br />
Because this isn’t the borderline personality’s default mentality (it is the sociopath’s), several psychological phenomena must occur, I think, to enable his temporary descent into sociopathy. He or she must regress in some way; dissociate in some fashion; and experience a form of self-fragmentation, for instance in response to a perceived threat—say, of abandonment.<br />
<br />
These preconditions, I suggest, seed the borderline personality’s collapse into the primitive, altered states of self that can explain, among other phenomena, his or her chilling (and necessary) suspension of empathy. This gross suspension of empathy supports his or her “evening the score” against the “victimizer” with the sociopath’s remorseless sense of entitlemen t. <br />
<br />
People tend to forget that empaths can practice selective empathy, which is usually much more dangerous than sociopathy.

you cannot be a borderline AND a sociopath...because they are the same thing.<br />
A borderline (normally female) is emotionally hypervigilant in order to manipulate the emotions of others<br />
A sociopath (normally male) is cognitively hypervigilant in order to manipulate the emotions of others.<br />
<br />
They are one and the same...feel nothing for others, only the need to "have the emotions of others chained to them...one done right brain, dopamine, cognitively, the other done right-left brain, serotonin, emotionally...same result -- abuse and lack of genuine empathy. (Though the borderline is good at seeming empathic, she is clearly remorseful for what she lost, not what she really did.)

WRONG!!! they are not the same thing!!! i have bpd and antisocial personality disorder is psychopathy and sociaopathy, (cluster b) of personality disorders i think if they were the same thing then im sorry but there wouldnt be two seperate names for them e.g psychopath and borderline or sociopathy and borderline e.g sociapthy and psychopathy are antisocial personality disorders and hold on dont you have to have no empathy or guilt? if a psychopath!!!! well im sorry but i have borderline personality disorder and i feel guilt and i have a concious most of the time so go back and learn abit more stop saying stuff just because it suits you

You seem like the typical female where i come from, i broke away from it all, thankfully.

"But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them."<br />
I know that feeling so well. Though it's also the other way around - the more someone (a guy) gets to know me and still likes me, or even "loves" me, that is when I start loathing that person. <br />
I play with their emotions and rip them to shreds. (One guy committed suicide.) And then I get involved with a guy who treats me like ****. Just to long for someone sweet to know the "real me" - and so the vicious circle continues...

Phag,<br />
I appreciate your honesty. My wife is a borderline or at least a borderline borderline if you know what I mean. She threw a major fit when she found out my counselor thought she was. I did some reading and joined an online support group. we have been married over 30 years and I didn't even suspect mental illness for at least ten years. Now i am just looking for an exit strategy. I have had no friends to speak of for ages as my whole life has been responding to real and imagined crisis.

You sound a lot like my roommate who makes me cry. lol Anyway you know about this, you seem to be able to understand why and how you do what you do.<br />
<br />
Having bipolar disorder is hard and you probably don't mean to hurt people, but when you said you are snide with people, you remind me of my roommate. <br />
<br />
I am a social worker/psychology minor doing a masters in health care. I hope you can be kind to others because we all have different types of problems. My roommate started yelling at me because my mothers dishes were missing and i told her i would report them missing and she got defensive. lol I am moving out, but you also seem smart and articulate so keep plugging and the sociopath part you really have to work on, helping others helps oneself. Debbie

try to get help my mother in law sounds like you she is now 60 she thinks shes 20 she had her last son at 41 once her son turned 18 his father left her and now she is alone both of her other sons have a bad relationship with her she would argue with anyone for any stupid thing and would bring things up from like ten years ago to argue about shes always write evreyone else is wrong she still has not told her sons that the boyfriend left because she does not want to hear its her fault she really needs to be medicated so if you dont want to be like her please get help.

I read your story and was blown away buy how similar we were. Its nice to find people that can understand the way you feel.

oh....phage....people like you are a great source of entertainment. You think people can't see who you are. You're probably in the hospitality industry and driving a beaten up, old Mazda.

oh....phage....people like you are a great source of entertainment. You think people can't see who you are. You're probably in the hospitality industry and driving a beaten up, old Mazda.

oh....phage....people like you are a great source of entertainment. You think people can't see who you are. You're probably in the hospitality industry and driving a beaten up, old Mazda.

Phage...

It is called SELFISH. Grow up.

It is interesting to me..having read this entire interesting thread that I am considerably thicker than you all. I am however accutely aware of when I'm being manipulated, and I front it right out if I feel that this is being done to me. If it is denied and then said behaviour continues. I have a word with myself, decide that I don't have paranoid thoughts on the whole so the likelihood is that I'm having a manipulation attempt on me. I would then sever any ties with said manipulator. They may have their problems and their reasons for doing so. That is not my problem. I value trust above all else. So I doubt the OP would be successful more than twice but im no expert and have never to my knowledge at least been in the company of a sociopath.<br />
<br />
I do find it interesting that the sociopaths in this thread when listing the lengths they will go to to deceive and cheat and hoodwink their fellow humans ( no judgements being made, just it appears to be the essence of the disorder ) do not appear to follow the same rules when they interact with each other. There does appear to be a sense of comradery, patting on backs and generally boosting egos at the various ways said deceptions have been pulled off. I doubt they would bother trying to manipulate each other. It would maybe become too dangerous a game that maybe even they would be too scared to play. There was a sense of coming together and they each having each others backs. The point I'm trying to make...the very traits that they are apparently void of, actually come to life in this thread. They see in each other a likeness which makes them like each other. they back each other up and in doing so display the human side to themselves. Warped as their coming together may be..it is what it is. <br />
<br />
Sociopaths are just not the norm so if you are one then the likelihood of you meeting many others in your world are not huge. This would make anyone feel not a part of society. But when they come together they feel what most people feel. Does it feel good? That is the question. If it does feel good, then it isn't from sociopathic tendencies but from a coming together of minds...the beginning of a friendship where manipulation would be difficult so maybe not entertained. The coming of minds may scare the bejesus out of eavesdroppers. It still is what it is. <br />
<br />
Oh well I think I took too many e's which left me with the inability to shut the **** up. I hope my post made some kind of sense. I don't really care too much if it didn't. Insults from sociopaths will have no bearing on my psyche, but feel free to jab. I'm all for therapy and if it makes you feel better then I'm your girl. <br />
<br />
Big kisses to all the crazy people ( that would be everyone ) xxxx<br />
<br />
Sorry if my sickly sweet ending makes you wanna vomit. Suck it up lol xxxx

OMG!! Firstly, your writing is utterly spandangly, your honesty is refreshing and rare, and i'm guessing it wasn't easy exposure completely, because there is a part of you who feels the pain that comes with being sooooooo different. Your behaviour reminds me of a younger me, I have a deep conscience but my morals were screwed, without me knowing it. So I was an *** who thought I was perfect...does that make you more 'normal' than me already?? and everything you feel and say resides in the good and bad parts of all people, regardless of the small minded twats that think you are without hope or even deserve any understanding. I felt overwhelmingly sad hearing of your contradictory ways and in many ways, we are very alike, except I feel bad if it takes me too long to ****!!! your high intellect is obvious, as is the pain you are often in. So although I think you are bright enough to know it makes sense to change, I don't know if you are aware that IF YOU DO change YOU will feel sooo much better than you ever have. I have many of the god damn labels associated with your problems. But here's the thing, I built pretend bits and shaped and tweeked them over years. you can choose to build bits up in yourself, and you make them out of strange materials and you may not work like everyone else, but as were all different anyway that can roll on by.. but that doesn't mean you cant be happier (for your own sanity and for your worth as a person), be kinder (because being horrible is still fundamentally a choice. You can choose not to do it from an insincere place, but still be far bigger person for it. Even though you have no current obvious conscience to drive you to be kind, you are much riddled with your desire to not be who you are! you know love and you have felt it so you're not a monster, we all feel love and screw people with its power and we do it owning guilt inbuilt. Your in a way inflicting pain on yourself with too many judgements and absolutes. anyone can be what they want to be, you just need to find a suitable sociopathic gain as your motivation and give yourself a gargantuan pat on the back for managing to not do all the things we dont do cos we feel bad....without our 'feel-bad' deterrent. I am no expert on the complexities of your insides but I am moved, touched and a little blown away by your unique 'good bits'...Stealing and not feeling bad says nothing about you, the fact that you are aware that you have pieces missing by not naturally loving your mother says more though. We all get to be the person we are over a lifetime and in different ways; and fate ***** slapped my *** in alot of directions, before I learnt HOW to build MYSELF from scratch into a shinier free version, and I am about 98.6% happier!. As a fellow borderline, I was as fake as you are on every level, I just expressed it differently. You are clever, witty, eliquent, insightful, wise, cunning, and utterly experienced at getting what you want. WHAT if anything would/does spur you to change. Feed your pleasure sources whilst balancing the pain you dish out. we all dish our fair share dont we! You are not a lost cause, but I dont know if you want what I sense you do. in many ways you are a source of inspiration but that might be impossible for you to see ALL or ANY of that; when you a) KNOW you have no conscience AT ALL and b) you know that most of society would deem you a sewer rat because of it, so you maybe feel like you are one. We all fake reactions and behaviours and alot of your getting bored I can relate to, but my boredom was entirely due to having absolutley no steady fixed sense of self, I didnt even know if I liked anything or anyone or why i did or didn't, I was royally fooked! I think your borderline issues have caused you to develop the sociopathic tendancies, not the other way round. I'm probably talking absolute shite but I can feel your pain, so I thought I would stop by and ramble on, hoping ONE of the words i've used, resonates with your motivation. You dont have to be mother theresa, you could just aim the self straight into the board of directors at any big corp and you would be praised for your tendancies if you had a suit to match. It doesn't matter how you get there or if your innnermost thought is **** you not thank you. you can still just learn to be decent cos its not even really that hard. I NEVER respected Anyone EVER. But I now respect a whole 3 people. God I am in seroius mania and unable to shut the fooook up! Utilise your many strengths, to make life better for YOUUUUUUUUU!! Is this working, all these youuuuu's? everyones a winner in the warm and fluffy places, if you need anything, holla! I hope you find something more than your current reality gives you

Hey, yo, you need to seek out some meaning. You can overcome that ****. Not to say you'll have a permanent perfect fix on your hands, but there are ways you can make things a lot better. There's some stuff you could read to start. Check out "The Holographic Universe" by Michael Talbot, and the Seth books by Jane Roberts. It will give you some greater insight into the very illusory nature of reality. It may help identify more clearly to you that people, in a sense, are ALL that really matter, and you are actually rather insignificant. It may help you shift your perspective. Also, watch the movie "Revolver" by Guy Ritchie. When you're feeling so moved, then, take some mushrooms. I don't care what some straight-edgers may say. They've never tried it. You create your own reality. It's a fact, so no sense in listening to anyone else anyway (you don't have to listen to me), but mushrooms and LSD have saved my life. I don't do it often, it's only when it feels right, it's only been a few occasions, but I swear those experiences have helped me so much in finding happiness. And for those that don't know, LSD used to be prescribed by psychologists until it started being overused and it came to be seen damage could be done in extreme cases (it really does take an awful lot to **** up your head permanently).

It's sexy when a girl writes something that sounds like I could have written it. Your inner life sounds like mine. I think I kinda wanna bite you a little bit >:-D Thanks for writing this post years ago.

i destroyed a twelve year ralationship with a really nice woman! but i still don't really care except every now and then i have regrets! I manipulated her and enjoyed it! truth is i'd do it again.she new i was a borderline sociapath but tried to change that! I CAN'T BE CHANGED! why should we be told to change all the time? we're the smart one's we sometimes even help others to deal with there lives!

You could be my twin.

Perhaps consider Narcissistic Personality Disorder rather than sociopathy.<br />
<br />
I have BPD and NPD and much of what you say I can relate to.

Wow! When I read this, I thought WOW! Change the gender and your desc<x>ription of yourself could be my husband. He loved nothing more than to engage me in a bitter, viperative argument. He is very intelligent, was raised by a witch and is dealing with feelings and emotions that have the upper hand. I love him and I hate him. I'm his 5th wife, married 17 years, but he was never married before me for more than 2 years. I figure he seeks out very nice, normal, kind women and then gradually torments them. He has a way of 'hooking' before the torment starts. I thought I could stay with him help him deal with his demons, but he's too sick and twisted. What a waste of a brilliant man. I will always love him in a way, but can't deal with the abuse.

I would like to thank you for poasting this. I stumbled upon it while looking up symptoms of borderline sociopath. For awhile now I have been trying to figure out why my mind is so ****** and alot of the traits of a borderline sociopath fit in, but I was wondering about somethings and what you think of them. I feel in many ways the same as you do the only big difference being that I don't take pleasure in hurting people. I am for sure manipulative but I dont know if i get the joy that you do out of it, and if I do I don't notice it. I can definitely relate how you feel you need conection all the while not feeling it. I was also wondering if you ever get down because you feel outcast? I find that while I may say that i don't give a **** about what people say I have this urge to be accepted and feel like an alien in this world. These feeling of being outcast make me want to change and get help do you feel the same way or do you really not care either way? Thank you again for you poast and your honesty.

@ Jasonm231 - So in effect you are saying that people with BPD are actually worse than a sociopath.

BPD and sociopathy are kind of like mirror images of the same thing. People with either see others as a means to an end, lack remorse, and have a questionable morality. The major difference I see is that a sociopath/psychopath has no need for other people, but will "feed" off of them materially or psychologically toy with them if an opportunity arises, whereas a sufferer of BPD has an excessive need for other people, and the need to feel loved and given attention, while not reciprocating this to the others.

I'm feeling this blog. I understand. I believe I too am potentially suffering with borderline. It makes me sad to see there are so many people out there feeling this way, there must be a deeper societal problem problem.

Phage, read your post and self diagnosed.<br />
<br />
freaking hilarious and creepy how much it matched my patterns.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the diagnosis, im off to stab someone with a pencil and wonder why they are crying.

I think you are seeking attention. You think that by making yourself out to be a sociopath it makes you more interesting and fun.<br />
<br />
The reason why people bore you is because you attract unhealthy people. Codependent people. You see, anyone that is self-respecting and healthy would not put up with bad behavior. Seek help otherwise you will never be happy!!

And another Ms Judgy Blind Pants chirps from her ivory tower, things look different when you have the bliss feeling of stability of self! Yoiu are a moron, and i'm surprised you got this far through the comments and posted such tripe. Have you sat and conversed with her co dependant unhealthy friends! jesus in ka ryst! Peoples assumptions are just off the foooking scale and they dont see. I understand the Sociopaths more than people who have the gift of sanity, and they waste it by opening their mind about as far asthe sizeofthesegaps...

I got on here trying to research borderline sociopath and BPD, HPD I was married to one and yes childhood abuse was his excuse everything was lies and manipulation but before I knew what he really was he wanted to have a child because he wanted his own family didn't have any family later found out it was probably because how he was everyone had to be away from him well didn't take long after she was born for him to become worse, more violent and unsafe. He has nothing to do with her but still sends emails every week how he loves her and me 2 years later still. So when I see my perfect little girl missing her dad and living without a dad I always try to understand why and if the person we thought he was is real it is so confusing and heartbreaking still years later. I feel like the person I knew died so many things about him were lies I think his death would have been easier to deal with than the things he has put us through talk about a cruel game it's so evil but I still pray for him everyday hoping he will be blessed it is hard for me to read the other people on here stories and how they think it is funny to hurt people. I guess I am lucky to be alive I guess he didn't completely hate me.

Dear Phage, you are unbelievably st*pid! Your rhetoric is pathetic and your story is an accumulation of lies to make you feel important...hehe

I got out of a relationship with someone like you in the start of his year. Four months ago I saw her for the first time since I broke it off and did what a psychiatrist friend told me to do and ignored her. Since then I have had a window shot out, tires slashed and car broken into. People like you are sick and deserve the misery that is your life. You will end an angry mean barfly and it's exactly what you deserve.

Is your surname Tosser? I seem to have heard this little speech from a blind small man with a crushingly giant ego and a teeny tiny mind! The mania rage is full on and this cruelty and immense misunderstanding ***** me off!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing. Your post is articulate and very illuminating. Those of us who are outside of this looking in need to PAY ATTENTION. This is real. This is a real person really saying these things. I find this devastating, chilling and helpful. Thanks again for posting.

I have open wounds and you've lured me into stable terms for engagement? Sure, if you say so. Is using atrocious sentence structure part of your clever stratagem, too? It's very hard to follow your rambling style of writing.<br />
<br />
As for what I can read of what you said about science... yeah, it contradicts itself from time to time, and there are plenty of things it doesn't yet explain, but that's part of the process. And if there is an astral plane (which I doubt, the study of the occult is largely at the stage that the study of science was back in Ancient Greece--think about a problem until you figure out how it should be, and assume that's the answer) I'm confident science will find it, eventually. Assuming we don't all blow ourselves up first, or some such.<br />
<br />
Now, on to Christianity. You say that not wanting to believe a thing is a logical fallacy, this is false. What's fallacious would be to not believe something because you don't want it to be true (or, conversely, believing something because you want it to be true). And while it's impossible for one to be truly unbiased, I can assure you that my atheism is ba<x>sed entirely on logic. After all, if I was inclined to want to believe something that made me happy there are a lot of deities out there which are portrayed as being a lot better than the Christian God. Paganism springs to mind, for example.<br />
<br />
My point, however, might better have been made by asking why a reasonable person would be inclined to worship the Christian deity even if given proof of his existence? He seems like an abominable dictator, not something worthy of praise.<br />
<br />
That's all hypothetical, of course, as there is no evidence. And while I'm sure you have some very subjective experiences you interpret as evidence, I have no doubt that without the fr<x>amework of pre-existing belief in the Christian God they would simply be an unexplained phenomenon, at best promoting some form of deism or agnosticism. After all, do you really think you could tell the difference between the deity proposed in the bible, and a being with god-like powers who is just pretending to be him for whatever reason?

Why would a logical person want to believe in the Christian deity? Apparently this hypothetical logical individual is a mindless creature, likely subject to logical fallacies. There is no worse blind than a blind refusing to see. It's not hard to comprehend that a specific output will always generate the same results. <br />
<br />
Besides, not wanting to believe quite indicates that such person(s) chooses to believe what they please, which is immature and utterly intellectually dishonest. At least some are more pliable when attempting to coax agreement on being logical, narrow-minded, or just plain stubborn and prideful. I hope you don't empathize.<br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
I've found plenty of evidence on the subject, and I still encounter complexities and details that correlate perfectly and support my claims. Not only concerning God himself, but much more (including hell). I'm figuring that explaining personal experiences and insights would take me a few hours, so I'd rather cut short. As for being puzzled, intending to beat a perplexed puzzle using logic isn't always practical; abstract thinking is key.<br />
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On a final note, rejecting God until death could be your biggest mistake. God can forgive you while you're still alive. And just in case you're wondering, I am no basket case, and much less a deadbeat with crossed arms willing to limit himself and ignore truth for the sake of feeding slothfulness.

Phage, you still have some open wounds there. I was simply luring you into more stable terms of engagement. I understand since you don't know me, anything you derive from what I state is bound to be an assumption. But... I did not made a sweeping generalization, thus was rather specific. Anyhow, on to what matters.<br />
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What I implied with science dismissing certain claimed anecdotal evidence is its prospects limitations. In other words, there are cases when science can't set the precedent, but only to a degree. As such, some subjects can only be studied from a scientific perspective; superficially, inadequately, and deficiently. (I'm referring to scientifically unexplainable cases at depth.)<br />
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For instance, what are the chances of science proving the reality of the astral plane? Ugh, not many. Now, assuming it was validated, undertaking an experimen--for further deliberated study and empirical evidence--without devices would reach the dead end. In addition, consider that science is constantly changing, not to say proving itself wrong.

OMFG talk about assumptions! Firstly, i get on very well with my dad and brother. Second i'm not asking for your help - i'm asking for your insight! Thirdly, cutting my finger off is NOT very appealing and would make a bloody mess, but thanks for the advice...not. I'm guessing u don't like to talk about your weaknesses, mayb because u like to feel superior...still there must be some?

Interesting. Yes, it is possible, if you look, to find evidence that strongly suggests the existence of supernatural happenings. This does not constitute proof of God, though, and it sounds like you're aware enough of your fuzzy logic that my pointing it out will be redundant. Consider, however, that the best you can say is that you have evidence of an entity which appears in some aspects to be God.<br />
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And on the other hand, why would a logical person want to believe in the Christian deity? I've always found this to be puzzling when he's so obviously portrayed in the bible as a vengeful, prudish, narcissistic bastard.

Phage, religion can be proved right (sort of). But the evidence can be easily dismissed by scientific, logical minds who would right off reject any anecdotal evidence that can't be accepted by scientific standards--especially concerning paranormal or spiritual matters.<br />
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I found God to be real, and have no doubt. I was never a hardcore, logic-oriented type of person, but take in consideration I used to be an agnostic atheist.

Do I LOOK like your dad and brother? If so, kinky. Otherwise, what the **** makes you think I would know what ****** them off, or that it would be the same as what ****** me off? Or, for that matter, that I would help you. Bleh! Cut off one of your fingers, call the cops, and say they did it. That should work just fine.

Oh Phage, I know this comment is so ironic it's hilarious but I get excited for you and then I see you being nasty but when I read it again, this may sound weird but I dont feel like this reaction was pure! I bet your roaring at my ignorance and gullability and i'm fully aware that I am a naive fool. But Phage, i'm getting all mothery and savey and i'm sure that is either enabling your tendancies or making you wanna poke me in the eye! oh christ...so complex, so sad, so confusing, so educational yet leaves you less sure or knowledgeable after the lesson...

Hi, I am really intrigued by sociopaths, partly because my dad is one and my brother is a pathological liar and a theif. Me? I have tendancies most of which i supress but am generally good at hiding. But anyway, Phage, i am really interested to kno what really ticks a sociopath off? What do you fear and what do you admire? In other words, what's the best way to beat a sociopath at their own game?

Thanks. I always knew God was a malicious narcissist, but I didn't know Jesus was a creepy stalker. Any chance you have the dirt on the holy ghost, too?

Jesus loves you. He knows you have BPD and he loves you. He knows every hair on your head. He knows every thought, every motivation, every everything about you. He longs for you to seek him with all of your heart. Then he will indwell you and that should be a big big help to you. I have BPD traits so I relate to a lot of what you have said. You are not a bad person. You are just a person. We all are just trying to survive in this rotten world. I wish you the best. I love you.

Maybe though, No-one but yourself can save the self!!!!!!!!!! meds do not undo deep seated broken functioning and i'm afraid nor does Jesus. Although i'm glad your faith has helped, people HAVE to KNOW THEY CAN do the work, and its hard but some of the pain can be removed....

@meseyeah... who said you need to feel sorry? this isnt a pity party and i i certainly didnt imply that i or anyone else needed it. i think it is a curse. i cant stand being over emotional and at best, ridiculous. its cost me too much and ive missed out on a lot of joy because of it. i dont hurt people or want to hurt people. but ill tell you this much, no matter how bad and horrible i feel some days, it could never compare to how bad you are. i dont know what your going through but your post speaks volumes about how f*@ked up you are too. thank you though, for making my day. it always feels good when a big mouth makes them self look like a fool. :D

You are so perspective. I can relate to a lot of feelings you described. But in the end, it sometimes leaves a void emptiness that never gets filled, everything resorts to boredom, and thats when giving up on life becomes the only exciting thought that matters. Better get out of it than enjoy it cox it doesn't last too long..

It's not a curse. How are we to feel sorry for people who harm others for fear of imagined abandonment. Irrational overexaggeration with emotions is uneccessary, and frankly, quite pathetic.<br />
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That's just from my POV though. This is an opinionated site, so don't quote me on this. And if you do, well, enjoy XD!

Such ignorance in spite of the 50,0000 previous words SCREAMING about HOW MUCH IT HURTS! That is why we **** or own lives up, because the pain is heart stoping and unbearable...why is irrelevant you bloody baffoon!!!!!!!! Feelings are not rational but you definately need to search for someone a little more simple and shallow. People!!!!!!!!

i am shocked at the amount of hate comments. in fact im sickened by the half of you. having bpd is a curse. someone doesnt choose to have it and most people with it do what they can to control their thoughts and moods. so before the next idiot leaves a negative comment....try doing some research on it first. to everyone that left a supportive comment, thank you for not being an idiot.

I identify with everything you wrote. It's frightening, also, it makes me like you less. Just like I'm sure on the one hand you're happy there is someone like you, you probably also automatically dislike knowing you are not absolutely special all in your own right. sorry.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I might be late commenting, but I just wanted you to know that your post resonated with me.<br />
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Other than moderate learning disabilities (sensory stuff, ADD), I'm pretty sure I'm a neurotypical and well behaved person. And though I can't confess to even understand how it is to be you, I can identify (empathize?) with how you described your inner life.<br />
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Thank you for your honesty. I so much admire your clarity, expressiveness, and intelligence. I truly wish for you to find happiness.

You sound pretty much like everyone around me. If you ever run out of people to manipulate move to Utica NY. Joke aside I feel that it is your mother that had a lot to do with this. Your behavior was created by her indifference. I'm not a professional but I see that you're suffering deeply and that you're afraid. You have many defense mechanisms la<x>yered on top of each other and it might be wise to open up to a doctor. People that post there vile comments here to tell you how awful you are they're just little chickens Kokoko because they have no balls to confront the people in theirives that hurt them so they take it out on you. A complete stranger so to those people I say have you no sense of decency? As for me. I admire your deep disturbed courage to share your suffering with the cruel world. Essentialy you're asking for help. It's also helped me realize that I was completely dishonest with my shrink. So I thank you for that...

I just realized I have been in a relationship with someone for five years like you. It finally seems to have ended, are borderlines capable of loving another person? She has cut off all communication lately so I guess she is in the I hate you mode since I asked her to repay a loan I gave her. Is there anything that I can do to make her get help? I hope your getting some help, not necessarily for your sake but to save the innocent people around you from the emotional pain your capable of inflicting. The problem with Borderlines is that they think everyone thinks like they do, and though we live in a selfish society, good people will have a few people they care about more then themselves.

She loves you madly but can only show her hate, you sound fab and my fluffy bits hope she didn't cut you off forever, chances are she did and she's still reeling with pain now. BPD is hell but it is manageable and you can shrink the 9 to like 5, but how you ever address the black and white ****, i'll never know! :(

It's a small world.<br />
I've been given the same diagnosis.<br />
At first I denied it. But what's the use? I accept it now. (Even proudly at times.)<br />
The funniest thing I've heard said about me was, "A borderline and a sociopath mixed into one person; sounds like a dangerous mix. Who could've created such a creature? It's not even possible that they're human."<br />
Suggesting that I am immortal only flatters me more.

There is nothing more fascinating than seeing inside the minds of people who are diagnosed with an illness, but with an opposite piece of you, that you can't fathom, but you all excite me with your brutality, I find it funny and I relate yet I have a conscience and I am plagued by guilt! I feel strangely at home and i'm starting to think i might have tendancies. **** me, I did not expect to have my mind blown this far sideways on my browse! I dont know what else to say so I shall say ta-ta

your just in love with your own disease..<br />
it makes you different, better, magical.<br />
When I'm in a manic stage I'm the same, when I tell a string of lies and everyone believes them I'm the same. <br />
But the fact is we wouldn't need medication if we weren't broken, and your 'megabitch' act doesn't fool anyone; your just like the rest of us....<br />
Basically you need help; because what are you going to do if your best friend leaves you? And she will unless you get help. <br />
What a lonely existence it'll be then.

sry to post twice...its just that in my college psyche class the textbook definition was something along the lines of....being extremely/unpredictably suicidal. <br />
but thats not how BPD is at all. i think lot of BPDs are attracted o the idea of suicide, but are ultimately afraid of it. like they hate 99% of their life but there is still something keeping them here.<br />
i feel like bpd's are overthinkers....while those with suicidal tendencies are the opposite. <br />
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my point is that it is widely misunderstood.

I feel like its useless to comment now, but i just feel like this is the best description of BPD i have ever read. no one really gets it, except for the people that have it....and personally im not as articulate and verbose as you. thankyou.

If she truly is sociopathic, then there is no use giving this girl advice. Sociopaths don't get better...sorry.

please tell me why????? and does that mean ALL of them? 100% rate?

I am borderline and most borderlines are not sociopaths we are niave trusting people who desperately seek love even if it is unhealthy and not beneficial or productive for our psyche.<br />
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There is usually sexual/physical and emotional mental abuse as a child or rejection, fear and abandonment all together,.<br />
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The person who usually abuses the child in these cases makes the child feel that they deserved this that this is their duty.<br />
The child feels guilty for this as if the child were somehow to blame.<br />
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Borderline Personality disorder BPD 's have issues with TRUST and ABANDONMENT<br />
The lack of being attached to others and seeming detached is only a fear mechanism for protection when one pushes others away when they get to close .,<br />
This is not being a sociopath but frightened to death that someone actually cares.<br />
When the self fulfulling prophecies are that you will wind up ALONE Abandoned Rejected and commiting sucide Many BPDS are extremely sensitive Hair splitting valuing you one minute and devaluing you the next it all or nothing , it is black or white. There is no happy medium ,<br />
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If you have BPD the original poster you have others issues to maybe Bipolar , schizophrenia and or other issues it appears YOU WANT us to believe you have no emotions that you are null and void a shell.<br />
I think it is you who sometimes gets used and tossed sadly.<br />
I know how we treat nice guys been there done that.<br />
I HURT for hurting others. I hurt for being ME . I do not like the reflection in the mirror ,<br />
Yes I put a facade on of happiness but who doesn't to a certain degree the whole world does this.<br />
Yes I have used alcohol had flings to . Also I have given into sex as I do not want someone to hate.<br />
But when it is all said and DONE I wished to be loved.<br />
I cry and cry and wish at times to DIE.<br />
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BPD... people with it Maryln Monroe, Elvis, Micheal Jackson , Princess Di, madonna,<br />
ELton John , Lindsay Lohan , Britney Spears , Paris Hilton , KIm Kardashian and Anna Nicole Smith,

Hi Phage...Empathy is difficult to describe. I am very empathetic to others. Your thought of "I'd hate for that to be me", indicates that you do recognize painful events in the lives of others. For me, anytime someone is suffering (whether it is a friend or the victims of a disaster in another state or country), my heart aches for them. It's painful for me to watch the news at times. Seeing the terrible things that happen to others makes me feel sad and I hurt for them. I do not think it is about mirroring the emotions of the people around me. If a friend is depressed, I don't become depressed with her. The opposite is true. I feel sad that someone I care about is going through something so painful. I've had depression (severe clinical depression that lasted for a long time) and know the pain it causes. Instead, I will simply be there for them. If they are sad and want to cry and talk, I will sit and listen. I'll offer advice and let them know that these feelings won't last the rest of their lives. When someone is in physical pain, I want to help to ease that pain. I drive my dearest friend to the ER whenever she has a kidney stone or migraine. I may be doing something else, but unless I am truly tied up with my children and cannot get away, I am right there to take her. I don't believe this is some indication that I am a wonderful person. I believe that I have learned through the difficult periods in life and that they were meant to teach me. For me, I credit God for my ability to feel the pain of others. Even when I read what someone wrote to you on here about you being the worst of humanity, I was upset for you. You do not deserve to be talked to that way. You were being open. I cannot imagine what it would be like to feel as cut off as you do from emotions, but I can put myself in that position and feel thankful that I can feel love and give love so I naturally feel badly that you feel that you cannot. I know that personality disorders are much more difficult to treat than mood disorders, but there are therapists and doctors out there who specialize in personality disorders. You may never be capable of true empathy, but you can learn more about how to live with your disorder. By that, I mean live a life that is more stable and "normal". I don't like to use the word normal, but couldn't think of another way to express that. You are normal for you. No one is entirely "normal"....I don't think that exists. We all have things that make us "abnormal". I've not only had depressions, but I suffered from panic attacks and OCD in my 20's. I used to look out the window and see others leaving to go out with their families and they looked happy and unburdened. I could not understand why I was the only one who seemed to be suffering. Later in life, I realized that most people have these feelings or others that are similar. I'm actually thankful that I went through those painful times because I learned the importance of loving relationships and learned that we have to struggle sometimes to grow as a human being. <br />
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You are the person who God made you to be. I do not push religion on anyone, but that is my belief. All you have to do is try to grow and learn. Hopefully, you will find a good doctor to help you with this. Good luck to you.