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The Joyful Life of a Borderline/sociopath.

I live in a world where everyone is a cardboard cutout, a puppet, a means to an end, a fling to be discarded, a way to find connection, to plaster-over the lonelyness of my irreperable disconnection from mankind.

I'm a borderline, but I'm also a sociopath. It's a really weird combination. I'm both sensitive, vulnerable, and overly emotional, and yet detached from humanity. I'm virtually unable to find connection with others, and yet I need attachment, that completion.

When I'm by myself I default to a state of emotional vacancy and intolerable boredom, every moment must be filled by some activity or entertainment, and nothing holds my interest for long. The only interruptions are those of my own making, occasional manic episodes followed by deep troughs of depression.

And so I seek out people. Clubbing is my favorite social activity, constant superficial mingling combined with an environment friendly to drinking and drug use. A little intoxication goes a long way, people are drawn to me. I seem bright, happy, filled with life. My mix of total arrogance and self depricating humor is somehow magnetic, it makes it relatively easy to find friends or sexual partners, at least for the short term. I get bored of people just as quickly as everything else.

But in some ways, this is good. I'm usually attracted to the wrong sort of guys, the ones who share at least a small bit of my sociopathic nature. Men who're weak, the nice ones, the stupid ones, are just temporary amusement, people to mock and toy with until they realize they're not going to get laid and look elsewhere. I'd have to be desperate to sleep with someone like that.

And yet when I spend time with individuals, or small groups, I become hypersensative. Little things become big deals, small hurts bleed freely, and the cool, smooth emotional void that fills my days alone is replaced by a roller-coaster of wild reactions. Sometimes the presence and demands of others becomes an intollerable burden. Slowly, and then all at once, everything becomes horribly irritating.

Their words crawl under my skin and cannot be shed, everything they say to try to make things better only makes it worse, their presence alone is intolerable. I burst, scream at them, obscenities perhaps, or maybe I just tell them they should never have been born. Then, realizing this is sort of thing will harm my relationship with them, I apologize quickly. It's incencere, of course, all my apologies are. Sincerity of that nature would require I thought there was anything wrong with screaming at them, that I thought they were a real person. There are no people in my world, just placeholders where people are supposed to be.

Amazingly, most people seem to be able to tolerate this kind of behavior long enough for me to get bored with them. They might get upset, but I apologize so quickly, I'm obviously not myself and it usually doesn't last long, especially if I can get stoned to help calm myself down. I'm good at manipulation, at making everything seem reasonable and okay.

But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them. I don't know why exactly, perhaps because in one way that matters greatly to me they are invarriably weak. I don't have a concience, I'm glad I don't, it's something I would never change, but invariably the people I'm with are different. Things like right and wrong matter to them, and that's just stupid.

Or maybe it's simpler, sooner or later everyone becomes subject to my manipulation, and so lose a portion of my respect. It's unavoidable, I never stop. I've tried not to for the purpose of relationships, but I'm unable. Any time I talk (at least, when I'm in a rational headspace) I'm accutely aware of my word choice, I say things the best way I can to get what I want. Even at my saddest, most miserable moment of depression I'm acutely aware of how I express my emotions, controlling that expression for the purpose of presenting the image which provides me with the greatest advantage.

When I was young, my mother learned never to trust my tears. Sometimes I think some of the worst ways she treated me during my teenage years were actually defense mechanisms. It probably helped her, but as my borderline blossemed in my late teens my emotions were never believed. She could inadvertantly hurt me, and then tell me it was my fault for over-reacting, or never even believe that I was hurting at all.

But whatever the reason for the lack of respect, and perhaps it is just familiarity breeding contept (I'm good at contempt), I eventually become mildly sadistic to everyone I know. I order them around, constantly needing to assert my dominance. Mild putdowns are the norm, and while I make an effort to say both positive and negative things, it's usually the negative ones that come out of my mouth. If someone is catty with me, all the better. I enjoy that sort of thing greatly, and usually it escalates until all we're doing is bitching at eachother. Then I get bored and tell them to chill out.

Having just told you all these terrible things about myself, you might be surprised to find that I generally consider myself a decent person. Oh, I get depressed and hate myself sometimes, but it's not because of my minor cruelties, or even my intermittant criminal behavior (a good subject for another story, perhaps), it's more... vague. Open ended self hatred, I'm a loathsome person because <fill in the blank>. There isn't really a reason for it at all.

But most of the time, when I'm not really thinking about it, I'd say I'm not a bad person, maybe even a good person. I'd tell you that I'm nice most of the time, and in some ways I am. I tend to be free with things that don't matter a whole lot to me, like small amounts of money, drugs, little favors. I'm a good listener, and a good confidant. And with the people I'm close to I reveal some of my vulnerability and confusion, and that's always endeering.

But I rather doubt most people could look at me objectively and say, "yeah, she's a good person." More likely the opposite. But the thing is, the parts of me that I see as bad are those that are broken. My emotional hair-trigger, my inability to keep friendships, the fact that I have no self-discipline to speak of. My unfortunate vulnerability to the opions of others, my constant need to assert my superiority (which, frankly, is tiring as hell). These are what I see as bad. The hurts I do people, the things I steal, the people I use, the way I treat those close to me, none of these are bad at all. I have no concience, and so I have no guilt. Well, I should say no guilt for immoral acts. I still occasionally feel bad about a few occasions I got cought stealing or the likes... it's just that it's the getting cought I feel guilty about.

Surprisingly enough, I have been in love before (another topic for another story perhaps, it was a very violently turbulent romance), and I even have a best friend. My only real, true friend, though I usually use the word casually. She's a hippy, a nice person, she recycles and feels it's her purpose to help people. I don't understand how I formed a connection with her, it's something I rarely do with anyone, but strangely enough it happened. And for that matter, I don't know how she can tolerate me. Perhaps in part it's because she doesn't play along with my superiority games, and is okay with being bossed around a bit. And she doesn't have a hard time with my emotional surges, she's very empathic, and she's bipolar herself so she goes through similar problems. Sometimes I even (awkwardly, because I don't have much empathy) comfort her. I try, anyway.

Anyway, that's who I am, or at least my current perception of who I am. It changes frequently, I'm an unstable person and my self-assessments are naturally influenced by the moment.

Phage Phage 26-30, F 134 Responses Feb 18, 2009

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This is sad. Essentially, it's written by who vacillates between recognizing an inner emptiness, feeling "a little" conflicted about it, but at the same time taking some kind of pleasure and reverence in being this way. After all, you can be this person's friend if you need them - but if you don't, you're not worthy or weak.

It's commendable to see someone this honest, but at the same time, the people offering support and acceptance are likely not thinking about the end result. The inability to form lasting bonds, the need to use others and reject what you term as "weak" is nothing more than an inability to recognize the strength of others - the fact that it takes courage to feel, courage to share, courage to be empathetic, courage to offer yourself to someone, courage to be truthful to yourself and those around you, and ultimately, courage to offer yourself to someone and hope for the best. This is the truest definition of strength.

Instead, much of the support (not all) is coming from people who are the truest definition of weak: Afraid, alone and constantly trying to fill a hole that can't be filled - and if some people they see as "weak" get in the way, then so be it. Again, they aren't weak - the people who do this are weak.

The people who suffer from these people are able to rebound. They learn, they grow and they form long-lasting friendships, have families and truly rewarding lives.

I hope that for anyone who sees this in themselves that they are able to see that they need help and seek that help and not use this post as justification for the long, lonely life that awaits.

I'm borderline and a sociopath too. I think it's fairly common for those to go together. There's actually a thought that borderline is the diagnosis of female sociopaths.

I can't believe it, I could have wrote this myself. So happy I am not alone.

Are you guys capable of real, loving long lasting relationships?

Funny this. No don't get upset about me saying so - there's no need. I'm a Borderline Sociopath myself. Got diagnosed early this year. Finally I found myself. And guess what - my wife is a Sociopath also, she's been diagnosed for years.... and I only found out ... early this year - no surprise there, right?

I was diagnosed with bpd, narcissism and anti-social traits about 7 Years Ago. However, just like everybody is on the autism scale, we are also on these scales to. I have manipulative abilities, as we all do, but these days, as 8 have matured, I use them in a more satisfying nature and manipulate people to see the good in themselves. I suffer from depression and anxiety too but try to use Buddhism, mantras and affirmations to ease these. The echos of our minds are our worst enemies when it comes to disorders such as these. I have beauty in me the same as every other soul on this planet. We are not different per say, just aware of our uniqueness. You know your manipulative and you can conciously, with hard work, change what you do with that talent :)

My son has been diagnosed with BPD, yet sometimes I have always wondered if he was also a sociopath. After reading this young lady's story, I am now convinced he is both. Sadly he will never understand how much anguish his actions has caused others or how strong a mother's love is in spite of.

Not all borderline people are sociopaths. I believe this young women is probably a more rare case.

True they are not, however my son has both traits. The only remorse he feels is for himself when he gets caught stealing. It is fascinating to watch him in action, how quickly he can turn it around and put the blame on you...the victim. Example: If you wouldn't of had the money then it would have not been stolen. That is his thinking process. But it's the layer upon layers of lies that are so elaborate in detail that it boggles the mind and I think he believes them. He is everything the young lady wrote and more. He is very scary and I am very fearful.

(Hugs) That's a lot to deal with!

It is a lot to deal with...thank you for the hug, I needed that!

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Wow. That is me. Almost to the letter. Super insightful. Reading this made me realize things about myself I didnt fully understand. Use spell check next time though. Just saying

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I love you. I am the exact same person as you except the fact that I keep my friends under my controle but thats because they are emotionaly dependant on me

message me if you wanna talk :)

your story gave me valuable insight as to another's behavior on EP. thank you for sharing this info. I had no idea someone could be both sociopathic and BPD. I am currently reading a book about BPD to know more.

****. I respect you. In fact, you rather intrigue me. I'm currently being treated for Borderline with past diagnoses of Major Depression and Anxiety. I'm severely empathetic, but oddly have been turning it on and off lately. I won't lie, it would be easier turning off the empathy permanently. It makes **** more complicated.

Thank you for your honesty. Take what you described and change to someone who tries to have morals but can't be consistent with them because she is too insecure and who falls apart if someone is critical or does not like her, and you have my wife.
I am divorcing my wife after 30 plus years of marriage. the only real regret i have over it is in not leaving her sooner. I have read and will continue to read stories about how it feels to be a borderline because i want to gain some insight into what it is like for them. I do not however buy into the notion that knowing what it is like for them or knowing how they feel makes any real difference in a relationship especially one like mine where she refuses to even consider there is "anything wrong with her".
There is this mistaken notion that I do not understand my wife and if I only did it would make some great difference. The truth is she has treated me like crap for years and understanding why she treats me like crap isn't going to help much. Once I realized that 1) I wasn't doing her any good by staying and 2) she isn't going to get any better, I realized leaving was the only real option I had.
She always had a close friend too but a few years ago she broke off all contact with her and will not tell me why. Her other close friend live in another state now and was studying to be some type of counselor. The last time she was in town she wanted to give us some type of counseling session because of some new method she learned that was wonderful. when I told her it was a waste of time and that my wife would just reject everything she agree to in any counseling session (as was her pattern), I was assured that they were too close of friends for her to EVER let this happen but of course it did.
She also had this very strange habit of being very forgiving to people who were frankly very abusive to her. It made no sense to me but she showed this behavior many times with different people. Go figure. Anyway thanks for sharing.

Please Read The Post Carefully. IT IS NOT WRITTEN FOR SUPPORT. It is written for
"(fill in the blanks)" just as the writer feels about herself. She doesn't wish to be cured, nor shows any willingness to put up any hard work to become normal (even if say that is possible). She is simply stating that she is a monster in human form (emotionless, remorseless and conscienceless, who manipulates n uses people as cards). This post should send a shudder down the spine of normal people, especially those who ever were a victim of one!

Demonizing anyone is useless. Seek help for your own pain, and leave others out of it. There are no monsters. None. Just people with all kinds of flaws. If you don't want to be used, strengthen yourself. The traits you describe are that of any common salesman, so these rarer types are not your real concern.

I couldn't agree with you more, especially the line where you wrote, "If you don't want to be used, strengthen yourself".

Soooo insightful! Thank you! :) Are you officially diagnosed as having both of these disorders?? I've been wondering if it's even possible to have both. I have BPD & some features of Narcissistic PD & I suspect I have some features of Antisocal PD as well.

I identified so strongly with the following passage that reading it was almost like taking a peek into my diary!

"Amazingly, most people seem to be able to tolerate this kind of behavior long enough for me to get bored with them. They might get upset, but I apologize so quickly, I'm obviously not myself and it usually doesn't last long, especially if I can get stoned to help calm myself down. I'm good at manipulation, at making everything seem reasonable and okay.

But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them. I don't know why exactly, perhaps because in one way that matters greatly to me they are invarriably weak. I don't have a concience, I'm glad I don't, it's something I would never change, but invariably the people I'm with are different. Things like right and wrong matter to them, and that's just stupid.

Or maybe it's simpler, sooner or later everyone becomes subject to my manipulation, and so lose a portion of my respect. It's unavoidable, I never stop. I've tried not to for the purpose of relationships, but I'm unable. Any time I talk (at least, when I'm in a rational headspace) I'm accutely aware of my word choice, I say things the best way I can to get what I want. "

Thanks again for sharing

All I can say is I had a Child to one, 9 years married and your story is almost identical except you appoligise, I came here to understand and I still can't believe you can act this way KNOWING what your doing.Please don't have kids.

It's obviously not in our control. Sabotaging every aspect of your own life &amp; having to KNOW that you are responsible (&amp; then read rude comments about it on supportive forums ^^ *ahem* ) is not exactly fun &amp; certainly is not a conscious choice. The fact that this person apologizes &amp; has achieved such a degree of self awareness &amp; understanding is laudable. You came here to understand? Then just keep reading &amp; lurk moar because you obviously do not understand. I hope you don't have kids who have this disorder.

It is in your control!!! Take responsibility for your actions.

Hi Survivordad,
I am also a victim of a BPD male (Married for 14years &amp; a son of 13 with him). Welcome to their cardboard world. We were of use to them. They idolized us once, won over our hearts by exactly tutored romantic steps (they learn it by heart and become expert romanticists) and slowly we put our guards down. We become vulnerable, just like any human being. Then these guys attack: they cheat on us, manipulate us, gaslight us and use us. We understand, we are being manipulated. But we are stuck as we think of kids, our joint families and future together. But remember: for these guys, we are just cards of use...

Now as the gaps between the projected and reality gets sharper, we understand more, we understand that we are being manipulated. These guys sense that all of it is not going to continue...that one cheating or may be two was forgiven...but this has been one too many. They also inherently know that they are/have been useless...they contributed almost nothing in the family. All the donkey work of child rearing and paying the bills is being done by these cards of use...they know that tipping point is near. They have huge issues with abandonment. They know they are worthy of being left alone. So, what do they do. THEY LEAVE...N REWRITE HISTORY. How miserable the marriage was, How horrible the spouse and the kids have been....etc. etc.

These guys are just "bad luck". They have human form, nevertheless. How else would you describe a human without emotions and a sense of right/wrong. They are Bad Luck. Period.

And dear friend, bad luck can strike the prepared as well as unprepared, the good and the bad, the learned and the laymen....they just happen. I don't know why this lady wrote so elaborately: However, my research on my ex and his other friends etc. suggest that I already knew these monsters anyways.

So, instead of begging these guys (see reaction of fellow BPDs when you wrote for mercy on kids or spouses)...let us understand that we have met an accident, the day we fell in love with one of these guys or rather infected with a deadly disease (BAD LUCK)...as time progressed the disease progressed...n we had to amputate a part of ourselves out with this disease (the BPD is a disease: A form of BAD LUCK).

We have to learn to live with it. In fact, if possible we should form an organization to help fellow people understand and not fall for their very romantic endeavors etc. This will be a good cause :) to work for. I am willing to work for victims of BPDs

Yep been there done that and will be paying financially for the rest of my life. My BPD wife is just too sick to work but not sick enough to even try to get disability. She is a professional victim but put me through hell for years until it got to the point I couldn't even live with her anymore. I was a fool for staying as long as I did but I didn't believe in divorce. I didn't believe in living with an abusive spouse either but somehow I never applied this belief to MY life. Like you say though I had to amputate and i did. It sucks and it has consequences but I did it.

Dear OmyTVC15,
I am sorry for all of us, victims. I just wish that kids are not involved in such cases. You and I would move on...even if amputated. It is the kids, who will know the dysfunctional as normal. I feel very sorry for my kid and try to compensate for his dad as much as possible :)
For us, we need to just treat this as an accident/ bad luck, where we had no control. Just like we have a post-accident life, we should have a post-BPD life. We were not responsible for it, and couldn't have done anything about it either :) Just earn enough dear and think of it like Friction, a necessary evil.
Good Luck with Healing and Wish you a Great Future Ahead!

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Very well written, I agree and relate wholeheartedly.

Thank you for the post. I could relate to this so well. I feel more or less the same , but I am never able to confide in anyone. My parents feel I am normal but I feel I need to see a counselor. What should I do?

Me

I was married to someone like you for about 3-1/2 years, but we only lived together about 18 months. We went through a lot of counseling but I finally realized that she did not want to change so I filed for divorce. Those were the most stressful years of my life.

And who cares all borderlines just write things at the time because they feel like it the next day they can be feeling something compl different hahahhahah get over yourselves and get a grip stop being weak if you have a personality disorder get over it and stop letting it control your life because its only you that controls it its psychological cannot be treated using meds etc!!!, so get a grip your even manipulating now !! just pull yourself together otherwise live a ****** life having bpd and feeling sorry for yourself

Oi retard up there borderline pd, and sociapath is not the same!!!!... are you stupid two completely diff things you get 9 diff categories of borderline so you can either be detatched and feel no guilt etc or not or ever want to be alone haha and feel guilt etc, i have boderline and bipolar so i know what im talking about¬¬

i meant to say down there lol

Please don't spread your ignorance to other people. Don't call her a retard for expressing herself. How dare you think that you have the right to call someone's personal experience stupid. Expressing frustration or hopelessness about having BPD is completely valid. This is a forum that is meant to be helpful and nurturing, not judgmental. The response box above asks you to respond with authenticity, support, and respect. Your responses may be authentic, but they certainly aren't respectful or supportive. Besides, having bi-polar and borderline doesn't make you an expert on the topics. Back off.

I just realized how old these comments were. I feel a bit silly for getting so ticked off.

Just did the same thing. :

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I'm compiling a note I am readying to present to a mental health worker as when I visit them my head is such a mess I never end up telling them the right things to say and often wind up grossly misdiagnosed. 90% of what you wrote here could very well have been written by my own hand; the only real differences being your interest in clubbing and the genders involved, really. <br />
<br />
I hope you don't mind if I take some of the more desc<x>riptive aspects of this post and add it to my note to further illustrate how my mind works at a deeper level than what my friends and family believe, even when I try to explain it to them. You have put into text what I have been trying to put verbally for maybe 15 years. I am a 25 year old male, and only now have I two friends who suspect I am Borderline. My father believes he is Sociopathic, as I have believed I have been too for the past ten years. <br />
<br />
Smoking pot and violent videogaming have been my only "happy" releases from this otherwise colourless world I live in. The games I play seem more 'real' than the reality I wake up to every morning, and it would seem as though you may feel the same. Once again, thank you for this post. I hope that someday, people like you and I can feel the true happiness that we endeavor for.

Borderline, sociopath is pretty much the same thing to me. I feel so so so sorry for you. It must be horrible not to experience Love. I believe that one could never be truly happy unless they feel Love for others. I believe that anyone who truly desires to change, can change. Even if that means going to therapy and getting on medication to help with impulsivity and mood swings. You really don't have to be he way you described. All humans have the ability to change if they really want to.

no there not the same thing

no*

**** sake NO*

I feel as if this post was a mirror image of myself writing something I know I never could. Thank you.

It looks to me ( but I could be wrong) that your not borderline at all , just a flat out sociopath , anti social, maybe a few symptoms of borderline , but yet I think everybody does , so tell your doctor to scratch the borderline cause I'm convinced your anti social!!!!

HAHA, no shes borderline haha, either that or why the **** is the psychiatrist working that diagnosed her?

and it possible to be both

The question that needs considering is: When the borderline personality is acting, and looking, like a sociopath, is it the case that he or she, in these states, effectively is a sociopath?<br />
<br />
It should be noted that behaviors per se are never sociopathic, only the individuals perpetrating them. Sociopathy is a mentality from which antisocial, exploitative behaviors gestate and emanate with a destructive, historical chronicity. But one can infer the presence of the sociopathic mentality from a telling pattern of behaviors.<br />
<br />
Clearly there are fundamental differences between borderline personalities and sociopaths, differences which I appreciate. At the same time, when the borderline personality’s rage or desperation is evoked, one sees (and not rarely) responses that can closely correspond to the sociopath’s calculating, destructive mentality.<br />
<br />
Once inside this mentality, I’m suggesting that borderline personality-disordered individuals can lapse into a kind of transient sociopathy. Commonly, victims of the “borderline’s” aberrant, vicious behaviors will sometimes react along the lines of, “What is wrong with you? Are you some freaking psychopath?” They will say this from the experience of someone who really has just been exploited as if by a psychopath.<br />
<br />
Because this isn’t the borderline personality’s default mentality (it is the sociopath’s), several psychological phenomena must occur, I think, to enable his temporary descent into sociopathy. He or she must regress in some way; dissociate in some fashion; and experience a form of self-fragmentation, for instance in response to a perceived threat—say, of abandonment.<br />
<br />
These preconditions, I suggest, seed the borderline personality’s collapse into the primitive, altered states of self that can explain, among other phenomena, his or her chilling (and necessary) suspension of empathy. This gross suspension of empathy supports his or her “evening the score” against the “victimizer” with the sociopath’s remorseless sense of entitlemen t. <br />
<br />
People tend to forget that empaths can practice selective empathy, which is usually much more dangerous than sociopathy.

you cannot be a borderline AND a sociopath...because they are the same thing.<br />
A borderline (normally female) is emotionally hypervigilant in order to manipulate the emotions of others<br />
A sociopath (normally male) is cognitively hypervigilant in order to manipulate the emotions of others.<br />
<br />
They are one and the same...feel nothing for others, only the need to "have the emotions of others chained to them...one done right brain, dopamine, cognitively, the other done right-left brain, serotonin, emotionally...same result -- abuse and lack of genuine empathy. (Though the borderline is good at seeming empathic, she is clearly remorseful for what she lost, not what she really did.)

WRONG!!! they are not the same thing!!! i have bpd and antisocial personality disorder is psychopathy and sociaopathy, (cluster b) of personality disorders i think if they were the same thing then im sorry but there wouldnt be two seperate names for them e.g psychopath and borderline or sociopathy and borderline e.g sociapthy and psychopathy are antisocial personality disorders and hold on dont you have to have no empathy or guilt? if a psychopath!!!! well im sorry but i have borderline personality disorder and i feel guilt and i have a concious most of the time so go back and learn abit more stop saying stuff just because it suits you

You seem like the typical female where i come from, i broke away from it all, thankfully.

"But the more I get to know someone, the less I respect them."<br />
I know that feeling so well. Though it's also the other way around - the more someone (a guy) gets to know me and still likes me, or even "loves" me, that is when I start loathing that person. <br />
I play with their emotions and rip them to shreds. (One guy committed suicide.) And then I get involved with a guy who treats me like ****. Just to long for someone sweet to know the "real me" - and so the vicious circle continues...