Or so I think. But don't we all?

Life has become increasingly difficult by my standards and it's just enough to not make me want to excel at anything fruitful or have the motivation to follow up with my deepest ambitions. Many of which are shrouded by the present and my way of thinking: extreme. And hey! I'm only 25. Or I'm already 25. I can't decide if that's good or bad at this point in time.

Ok, so I may not be clinically diagnosed with BPD, but it's not for lack of trying, if only to learn more about the state of consciousness in question.

Once, when I was 19, I outright told my parents that I thought I had depression. I was placed with an in-house psychiatrist at my local medical centre. Suddenly I had a problem, but I didn't know what it was or how it came about. No progress was made in determining causes for what I was feeling at the time, but I was provided with more insight and ideas of where this could be headed if I chose to ignore this part of me.

Of course, by this time, I was already beginning to force my sense of individuality upon others (and what little of it often had a profound effect) and so my search led me deeper into the realms of mental health.

After experiencing a shift of knowledge in understanding more about myself through a series of mind-numbing and heart-bleeding trials, I chose to seek one-on-one psychotherapy with a coach who was very expressive in her approach to guide my shadow.

I learned a lot about myself than I had imagined. Never have I explored my inner soul to the extent that I did during this time.

Today, I voluntarily checked myself into a mental institution. Well, I tried to. But like my therapist before who had so casually informed me that I was not classified as BPD, the on-call doctor advised that I was perfectly normal with a little bit of emotional baggage on the side. So I was sent away for being too oblivious to my own perception of myself. ... I see.

Then how come I felt so comfortable with the idea of living with BPD, working with a group of like-minded individuals to not only understand the disorder but use that knowledge to grow beyond the extreme, and actively taking steps to better my life? Because I was uncomfortable about the idea of continuing to ignore this part of me that most obviously wasn't going away.

When I was turned away, I suddenly felt hopeless. Apparently me divulging my deepest fears and concerns to the doctor was nothing more than a test to see if I was harmful to myself or society.

Well ****.

Who am I supposed to talk to about this? How am I supposed to control this? I am lost, lonely and starting to let go of my life. For what man is so weak as to be controlled by his own emotions... could he ever be worthy of human love? Or am I doomed to live a life lost in my mind of empty thoughts plagued by a sense of futility?

I am looking for a person, people, anyone who is living with BPD or thinks they are, to talk to. To share stories and help one another understand ourselves better. This is my plea for help.

Thank you for reading, love and peace be with you all.
-M
Keldeo Keldeo
26-30
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

You can shoot me a message anytime. I was diagnosed in 2009, but have been living with this difficult and mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually taxing condition for the since about 2005. It's tough, but there is hope. At least, that's what they tell me anyway.