I have Borderline Personalitч Disorder, these past few weeks have been at its worst. I have attempted suicide twice & failed, and currentlч still self harm, I live with mч boчfriend & his mum dad & brother. They know of my depression now as i was in the psych ward for the sucidial attempts, I see home treatment team who visit twice a week, attend group therapy on thursday & have a drug counsellor, and attend hospital groups every day of the week.

I still feel suicidal & I bottle it up from the people around me who want to support me. I feel like a burden to them, and never ending problem I feel selfish or guiltч when I turn theres lives upside down, hiding medication, and knives.

Mч boчfriend doesn't understand me or know whч I am whч I am I feel there is no escape from this miserч of pain.
BeBeautiful95 BeBeautiful95
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 19, 2014

Dear BeBeautiful95,You are still young. You will have an amazing, beautiful and purposeful life ahead of you... but only if you acknowledge that you have a problem and you are determined to face it. I know how having BPD feels like, and i also know how terrible it is to have no support from anyone at all... its like you are on a constant emotional roller coaster that goes up and down, up and down, up and down. there doesn't seem to be a safe haven anywhere, and the worse is you are constantly battling with emotions and negative thoughts and fears of isolation, emptiness etc. sounds scary, but thats the life of someone who has BPD.but i also know, that on the other side of the equation, there is beauty and love and all things good. accepting your emotions as they come will be a very big help to you. learn to feel your emotions completely, but also be brave and strong enough to tackle it because very often, we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. having this diagnosis doesn't mean that your life is doomed; it doesn't mean that death and suicide is the only alternative. as much as it sounds attractive, emerging from this pain is always, the best solution.i have seen survivors who go on to become therapists in their own right... who become successful and accomplished.. who thank themselves and their loved ones everyday for not giving up on them.you can do it. stay strong. <3

Thank you so much, it was nice to hear back from someone with extremely helpful advice, it is hard and i'm trying to distract myself when suicidal thoughts come, but it is nice to have feedback from some who understands BPD, and what everyday life is like, as some people have comments like don't think about it and it is hard it feels like a full time job, but I'm receiving help and hopefully with a little time things will get better.
Thank you for your advice it was much needed. x