It's been a rough couple of months for me and my BPD has been in high gear. I know it's there and it's not only making my life hard, but everyone around me as daughter, my boyfriend and his 2 girls as well. There has been a lot of stress and change lately with moving to a different state, finances, finding out my boyfriend's girls are moving in with us for the next 3 years, dealing with my own toddler, finding work, and of course being in a relationship.

We almost broke up last week and spent 2 days avoiding each other and not talking at all. I was tired of him not trying and he was tired of me nagging him. We came to an agreement and are currently working on saving the relationship. I should be happy, I should be excited, I should be positive...but I'm not. I'm just tired; tired of trying, tired of pushing forward, tired of feeling like all I do is fail him but at the same time fail myself.

Just to get through the day is difficult. I spend every moment analyzing everything, I can't help it. Everything my boyfriend does is a big deal to me. When he doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch, when he doesn't want to hug me, when he doesn't say he loves me multiple times, when he goes to the store to get something...EVERYTHING. I know a normal person wouldn't even think twice about these things, that it's perfectly normal for people to do everyday things. That people doesn't spend 24/7 together and that's normal...THAT'S healthy.

I've been trying really hard to not react to things, to not overreact, to be rational and level. Man, it's a lot more work than I thought. I find myself tuning everything out because it's the only way to not get upset. I feel myself reverting, becoming disconnected from the world and the people around me. It's the only thing I can do to stop the bombardment of "attacks" and "rejections" from people that really aren't there. It's all in my head.

I don't feel normal, I don't feel like myself. I want to be myself but I'm so afraid that I will upset my boyfriend or that I'm not reacting like a normal person that I just shut down. I hide in my room, I don't talk, I try not to rock the boat and I feel so lonely.

My brain won't SHUT UP! It won't stop torturing me. It makes me feel like I am crazy. It makes me feel like I don't deserve love. I really hate that I am wired like this. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy. I just want to be good...feel right. I just want to wake up each day and do my thing, live my life, and have normal worries and paranoias. I want to have successful relationships with people, friends, family, lovers. I just want to be good and do good. I try to work on it and it overwhelms me. Vicious cycle.
Serenity14 Serenity14
26-30, F
5 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Sorry in retrospect I really didn’t want to make this so long but I felt everything was important to say just from what I read and how much you want these things to work out for both of you. I apologize for the length.

Although it seems like an extreme oxymoron Serenity I learned to come to terms with something a long, long time ago in my understanding of life and it’s always proved to not only be true but just by accepting it as the natural circumstances of life I’ve adapted to embrace it: “The only permanence arranged within our lives is constant change”.

That one line so absolutely embraces everything about all of our lives for the past forty years and will for the next fifty to come. It’s not only inescapable in our lives - it’s virtually a necessity in every moment of our lives as they constantly unfold and so do the needs of meeting changes being our reality.

The thought being; every day of our lives we are subject to change, some more drastic than others. It sure seems that with relocating, finding new employment, changing the dynamics of your family structure and all the real difficult challenges that come with all of those really difficult things you and your husband have sure taken on a huge set of challenges.

Anyone would find all of those things so stressful and I guess both demanding and somewhat frightening. No one but you really knows the reasons for all of those changes taking place but I hope that both of you are doing it because you believe in the long run you’ll both have a better future together. So often we lose sight of the real goals we plan together, with and for each other, when all the real needs of making those changes have to be done. It’s really difficult. Regardless of this illness or not everyone finds it difficult as couples to hold together in the same path and try to enjoy what there is to enjoy in embracing the difficulties and challenges of change. Especially big, big changes like you two are. It’s daunting and consuming. It’s so easy to be buried under all the worries and to let go of each other’s hands right when you really need to hold them tighter together.

Maybe it’s time to just take a total day off for both of you, away from all the pressures and needs, just one day. Maybe get a sitter to watch your young one, pack up a picnic and just spend the day alone on a blanket with your husband, a lunch, a large tree and talk about all the things that you’re hoping for, want, want to share together. Open up, share and just reinforce between each other that you both want those things because you both want so much to make a better future for both of you to share and love in together.

Take a step back and remember the reasons why you’re both doing the things you’re doing together, because they are for each other and to build a better, lasting and loving life together. We lose site so easily sometimes of the basic simple things that motivate us. It’s so sad to say, but the further we allow the pressure to affect us sometimes; the more difficult it is to bring it back home where it really belongs, in the arms and dreams of each other, hoping, wanting and celebrating your lives and yes, your challenges together with each other.

You said, “When he doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch, when he doesn't want to hug me, when he doesn't say he loves me multiple times”. You know you say these things and I can so relate with them because prior to my wife’s diagnosis and learning and understanding the excessiveness of her needs that are so similar to yours I didn’t understand the needs and differences about her. It was confusing and alarming to me. Two years later after learning so much and understanding so much I do all these things every day and enjoy every minute of ensuring I do. I consider it a privilege now to be able to meet these needs of my wife’s and seeing just how much it helps her and helps us together. Night and day from what we lived two years ago and for the nine years prior to that.

Yes maybe BPD does affect these needs to a bit of an extreme, but is that so wrong to love deeply and to want to be loved deeply as well? I don’t think so knowing now what I didn’t know before. I’m sure you’re worth that and I’m equally sure he’s worth that kind of love as well. It’s learning how to share in it together and then finding all the rewards it brings.

You say, “I know a normal person wouldn't even think twice about these things...” You know sweetie, I don’t know any normal woman who doesn’t want to be recognized by their husbands. Who doesn’t want to hear and see how much they are respected, wanted, admired and of course desired by their husbands or boyfriends or SO or whatever you term each other? What woman doesn’t want to be told she beautiful, she’s attractive, she’s everything her husband wants and that she’s appreciated? Every woman wants that in her relationship. There is nothing abnormal about those wants. They really are universal.

Sure, there are exceptions, there always are, but the norm is that women want the attention of their husbands and deserve that. Yup, your needs might be a little more extreme than some women’s but there is nothing wrong with that. It’s who YOU are and I’m certain there are so many wonderful things about you that make that worth it. The fact is; meeting the needs of a wife and you ensuring your meeting his needs are everything about building a fantastic and lasting relationship together. It should be expected and those expectations should be met in a loving relationship. I'm sure it isn't out of your husband's neglect, I'm sure it's out of his not understanding the affects of this illness and the needs it has that he can meet to better both of your lives.

It’s not about a husband who supports someone with these needs being needy himself, it’s not about co-dependency, enmeshment. It’s nothing about being controlled or ‘p*&^&y-whipped’ (please don’t be upset or disgusted by the word but it’s one all men don’t like to hear so it drives the point home). It’s all about a man simply learning, understanding and enjoying meeting the needs of his wife. I guarantee if your husband can learn those things, empathize with the reasons, understand those needs more intimately and meet them; he’ll be the happiest person on the face of this earth with how wonderful your relationship can be together.

Are you right putting all the responsibility of the problems on being you? What I hear is you saying that, but honestly Serenity it always, always, always take two to tango and it’s up to both of you to take on the challenges of making it better, you’re both part of the challenges and the solutions together.

Take a day off with your lover just to tell him how much you do love him. Talk about the positive things about the changes and share the hopes and dreams you both have and look at all the good that can come out of it.

I’m sure he’s just as worried and stressed by all the changes as you are. Reassure him, encourage him, support him – love him.

Look at it this way. I’m sure you, like all of us have faced a lot of real challenges that seemed just as bad, dark and worrisome as the one you face right now. Haven’t you always landed on your feet one way or another? You will again doing this. It might not be altogether obvious at the moment, but things usually aren’t. It always takes time and a little faith along with the hard work and worry.

It’s about making sure you both take the time to focus on each other and find the mutual pleasures that can be found together doing the challenges and rewards together as well.

Take time off, with and for him and also especially for yourself.

Step back for a day. Just love him, ask him to support and love you – support, encourage and say and show you love him, have faith in him and the move and changes and it will happen Serenity.

Remember in the beginning when you first met him, the hopes and enthusiasms you shared together, the future you talked together about? Do you remember the intensity of the closeness? Has anything really changed about those wants, except that maybe you don’t both take the time to dream about and share them together anymore?

You can change that and again it’s all about constant change.

It’s how we meet those changes and challenges that will define our successes and our failures. I don’t see failure here Serenity. I see a wonderful person who really cares and deserves so much to have everything work out well. It will and you can do this sweetheart. Believe in him and believe in yourself. Share it and you can both do it.
Wishing you and yours the best Serenity.

Sorry about this being so long.

Oh man,. I'm sorry this is so long Serenity. It isn't what I started out to do but it just kept growing every time I reread your post. :-(

Yes, trying to be "normal" can be so exhausting! I get a lot of strength from reading and writing. I also find that distracting myself when I'm in my head too much really helps. I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages." It's a book that talks about how we show and receive love. For me it made me realize that my husband may not express love the same way I do. He loves to cook for me, but that's not my love language, so it doesn't necessarily feel like he's telling me he loves me. I need physical affection. It's an interesting book. I truly relate to what you're feeling right now. I'm disregulated too. I wonder what would happen if a bunch of borderlines met on a regular basis to discuss those overwhelmingly intense emotions we all have...

Really good book jennaporter and you seem to have picked up a lot from it. So what fills your husband's tank and how do you meet that if it isn't too private to talk about? Not trying to pry, just curious on your take on the book and what you got from it.

Hi Altruistrick,
Actually, I'm just starting the book. I spent a lot of time talking to a friend about it this summer. My advice is based on what he told me about it. I'd be happy to keep in touch and let you know what my thoughts are.

I totally understand you. I battle similar things every waking moment.

You'll get through it. Just remember that those feelings won't last forever.

I just completed a year of DBT. It helped me very much.