Last week was so rough for me. It was truly manic. I cried for about 4 days straight and literally wanted to die. I felt that everyone at work could tell I was crazy and were talking about me. Then I forgot to pick up my prescription so that made it even worse. But it has passed and now I'm feeling normal and positive again......until my next episode. I hate having BPD but I'm glad my meds help me control my temper and anger. No one knows the battles we face from moment to moment with BPD. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm a teacher so it's extremely important that I keep myself under control at work. I'm optimistic that this week will be a good one. I'm praying that all you guys have a battle free week as well.
aligain aligain
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 24, 2014

Really, really hoping the new job works out well for you aligain. I'm at least grateful that since you've started you're starting to see some optimism. There can't be anything too much more frightening than having to meet and associate with so many people in the teacher's lounge etc and feel the way you do when it means so much to you to fit in and be able just to do your job well.
I hope you're finding the students are good at least.
Here's to battle free week for you as well.
Sorry I was going to end this, but I'd just like to add one more line from an observation. You keep refering to yourself as crazy and you aren't sweetheart. OK you feel things more strongly and because of that you have to try so much harder but that isn't crazy.

I'll bet without any doubt at all that there are so many wonderful things about you that other people couldn't even begin to match. I'll leave it alone for now but honestly - you aren't crazy and it even hurts me when I consider that you might actually truly feel that way about yourself.
You have a really good week and enjoy the kids, that's what it's really all about and I'll also bet you're a great teacher, one of those teachers that kids look up to and admire and remember the rest of their lives. That's as wonderful a talent as anyone can hope to aspire to in a profession. I'm sure you do that as well. You care too much not to.

Again your words have touched me. I do love my kids and the one thing I am confident of myself is that I'm great with kids. It's the other teachers and coworkers I'm afraid of. I'm scared to talk because I feel if I talk too much they will realize that I'm crazy. I try very hard to be a "good" person. I'm considerate of others, kind to everyone, and do secret surprises to people just to put a smile on their face but no matter what I do I just feel like a bad person and like I have never accomplished anything. People always tell me how beautiful I am but when I look at myself I don't see it. I just hate being this way. Even I can't explain it and that makes me feel even crazier

I don't like to interfer too much aligain but if I might make a suggestion there is a really good site you might benefit by reading from time to time. It's the best site I've seen so far in trying to understand and the girl (Haven) who authors it has the same problems. She's an amazing communicator and it's got just amazing, amazing information.
http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/search/label/Change
If you scroll down the left side you'll find 'labels'. A lot of really great subjects and there are other categories as well.
I come at this illness from the other side of the line but it has helped me so much to better understand and relate. It may also give you a bit of context that will help you see yourself in a better light, the same light others probably see you in.
I know you've probably got a really busy life schedule but if you find time browse around. Really interesting and informative.
Hope you enjoy it and that the rest of the week goes well for you.

Rick

Today was a bad day. I teach at-risk kids so some days are horrible for them. I'm going to read the site now. I pray one day I see myself as good or pretty but I just don't and I feel people think I'm crazy I just do

Before I started my meds I felt that way all the time. My meds help A LOT and I'm so glad I finally agreed to start taking them. Some times I still have episodes but not nearly as bad as they used to be. The thought of accidentally skipping a day on my meds or running out and not being able to get in for a refill scares me though.

I agree with you! My episodes are far less than before I had meds. I still have tough days but I also have a lot of "normal" days.

I have borderline personality disorder too. I think it's been worse since I got pregnant. Doctors said there's no medication for it. Would you mind messaging me to tell me what you take and other methods of treatment? I'd prefer not to be on meds anyways. I found hot yoga to be one thing that helped me, I've been to sick and depressed since pregnant to go. Best wishes.

Anti-depressants really seem to help me, with an anti-anxiety medication to turn off my brain for sleep. it's made a world of difference.

Yes! Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds are what I take. My anxiety would keep me up for days!!!

I inboxed you