It sucks. If you even feel a tinge of abandonment, you turn into this insecure, self-destructive monster. You start fights or start thinking that it'll never end & everyone will leave. You start wondering if you're even good enough. I hate it. I hate this feeling.
Susananais Susananais
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 1, 2014

Yes, I call mine the demon, and it's exactly that; I turn into a self destructive monster. It's ruined a lot of things for me. Family, my marriage etc...

Yeah, I totally understand. I'm up and down, and I can't sleep. Ruined everything.I have lost everyone. Better this way because I am helping them too. I can be so nasty I don't have a clue who I am. I'm like possessed. That other person is crazy.

This is me all over. Do you guys suspect everyone is talking about you as well. I'm getting paranoid.

Yeah, for sure. I read a quote and I always think about it when I feel paranoid and it has helped me so much.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Try to think about that when you feel paranoid. Trust me it really helps.

Omg I always think everybody at work is talking about me! I feel like they all know I'm crazy or pathetic and constantly bad mouth me

Another thing that helps me when I'm having an "episode" is, when I'm logical, I write a list of all the good things about me. When I'm down I read them and it seriously takes the edge of my crazy state of mind. Last night I was swinging from suicide to laughter. Tonight I feel very calm, but as you know can turn at any time.

It crazy how fast you can turn. Earlier I was having an episode crying and feeling like I wanted to jump off a cliff and now I'm calm. I hate this disorder

Ain't it just. Was crying on and off most of today. Then a cold calm came over me. Feel empty just now. The dark early nights are making it worse. Couldn't even answer the phone today. Have been self-medicating for a long time. My doctor will only give me anti-depressants, but they make me feel even worse.

Funny how you and I are going through the same emotions. A person at work told me two weeks ago that they didn't care about me, weren't worried about me, and didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I know he said that just to hurt me but I'm still crying and depressed about those words two weeks later. Even though my students were great today I was still off and in crying thinking about that. I couldn't even focus on anything. All I wanted to do was go home and stare at the wall. I got home in hysterics crying and even took tomorrow off from work and then a calm came over me. Like I hadn't been manic all day. I put my phone on silent so no one could get in contact with me yet I wanted people to call me. My meds work to an extent but nothing can cure BPD episodes. It makes me so depressed and on edge that someone could say such mean and hurtful things to me. The feeling of rejection or that I don't matter is worse than being stabbed

Yeah, for sure. Tears started again. Dreading shutting the lights down to try and sleep. I am so sick of this ****. "Family" written me off.labeled the "crazy" ***** that should be avoided. Just done with it. God knows what this does to the body.

Yes I constantly worry about that, especially at work; I think everyone else must be saying what a crap job I'm doing & I worry that my boss won't renew my contract at the end if the year.

You must be good at your job or you wouldn't be there! I bet you have some fantastic qualities. Write them down and pin it somewhere you can always see. Remind yourself how fantasic you are!

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Totally agree. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Every day is hell. I have one a 6 month course on how to manage this, but all I learned is how not to behave. The thought of even spending another day like this is enough for me to want to sign myself into hospital. Feeling so suicidal. Like I have the devil on one side telling me to do it, and an angel on the other telling me things will get better, but they never do. So damn confused.

Ya I'm right there with u. I'm plagued in my waking hours with images and thoughts and then in my dreams as well. I can't seem to escape the suicidal thoughts. Everything and nothing triggers it. It's just a part of who I am. I've almost learned to live with it...ha

Ive pushed everyone away. I wan to be alone so no-one can hurt me, but I'm lonely. confused or what.

Exactly. I'm the same way. It's so messed up. Extremely lonely. I can't stop

That's exactly how I feel. I just want to be alone in a dark corner so no one can hurt me and I don't have to experience the extreme hurt and misery I feel. But at the same time I want people to want to be my friend. No one understands

Everyone with BPD understands hun. If you ever want too talk/rant, please message me. I feel awful that there is so many people suffering with this, but I also feel so much better knowing I'm not alone with this horrendous illness.

I've self admitted to a hospital, and then I escaped. However, lately I've been contemplating it again. But I'm under a lot of care - I see a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a group therapy. It helps

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