Often Needing Validation?
I worry that I am drain on those I love and care about. I often need validation and worry that I am not accepted or that others are angry with me. I worry I am not good enough. Of course I cam good enough, but I need others to say or show it and I must be a drain on them to so often have to push me up because I feel too much and worry too much and need the boost.
Though I live a fairly normal life and day to day my disorder is in check, I have had a few slip ups.
Months ago I exploded in a mothering group I helped to run. Two of the other leaders where pushing thier beliefs on others, judging, and talking behind the backs of women we had all promised to support and help together. Small things kept adding up. I kept having to stick up for the underdogs as they called them. Women who needed and deserved kindness, not the action and attitude these other leaders where giving. Thankfully the 4th leader could see my side, but I had the bigger mouth and so I got the verbal and emotional beating from these women. Knowing I have my own issues I tried to check them, and though BPD is bad, these women have worse issues I think, moral ones.... So then I was being talked about behind my back and they trully made a plot to get me out of the group and take over with only like minded leaders. (Right wing my way or no way types) I could not abide this... I saw others hurting and I did something stupid.
I shared with everyone what had been going on with the leaders. I shared private e-mails showing the true colors of these people. I attacked for attacking others and myself before they could ruin the great group we had.
What did I think would happen? I have no idea. Yes, people where upset with those leaders, but also at me. Some did not want to know what others said about them never mind had everyone know what those people thought of them. Some people thought I should not have shared such drama and found a better way. Some just did not care because they also did not like those people. Some do not think there is anything wrong with the gossip, lies, and plans.
So in the end, I went from helping to run a group I adored though did not get along with two people to now knowing many are upset with me, not sure they can trust me to not share what they tell me, and see me as dramatic. And one of those people is a still a leader.... I am not. And who can blame them.
So then, and now, I feel like I am always reaching to them to forgive me, to validate my feelings. I keep looking at some of them and wondering if they trully are as hateful as I though. Some though I do not have to wonder, some of the words I will never forget and there is not mixing those messages up.
And this is just one situation. One group.
I always want to try and fix things. Help People. Make things better. I get myself in hot water and then I go looking to see who really does care about me. My poor friends must be so drained.
Today is one of those days where I know I need validation and I do not know what to do.