My Diagnosis

I am 25 years old and I was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago.  I went to a mental health center in my city after struggling with depression and anxiety for years.  I always thought my unhappiness was caused by situations I was in so I kept on changing everything (where I lived, where I worked, boyfriends, hobbies).  Finally, everything in my life seemed to be on the right track.  I had the job I had always wanted and worked so hard for, I had a boyfriend and we were in love, I had a family who loved me, I was financially independent.  What else could I really ask for?  Happiness!  There was still a void inside of me that needed to be filled.  I was tired all of the time and just wanted to sleep.  I was irritated all of the time and arguing with my boyfriend.  That was when I decided to see what help was available for me.  

I thought they would just tell me I was being dramatic and I just had to deal with it, but I was surprised when they told me I needed medication and that I had a personality disorder.  I knew I was a little messed up, but I didn't know there was a name for it and a lot of other people who have the same symptoms.  I thought it was normal to bite people and hit myself in the head when things got to be too much.

Since having been diagnosed, I have had a lot of ups and downs.  My boyfriend and I are still trying to make things work and he has been dealing with my moods much better in the past few weeks.  I am on a waiting list for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. 

  This story is boring I know, but I just wanted to share a little bit.  Not many people in my life know what I have and I don't have anyone who can relate to me and my struggles. 


Peace and love.

ivegottobefree ivegottobefree
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 7, 2010

Hi Ivegottobefree - and everybody else in here...<br />
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First; I think you are brave to tell your story - and I (also) know the feelings you have described. I was diagnosed with BPD for half a year ago, being 37 - and for me it was scary...yes..but also fantastic to find out WHY I always have felt so empty, why I needed to harm myself so much and why I thought about suicide on/off in my life.<br />
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I am also on a waiting list for dialectical treatment, and I cannot wait to begin the therapy process. It is so hard to be a ***** to my partner, to give up on people that I care about, and last but not least to live without any kind..and any feeling of having an identity.<br />
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I cross my fingers for you...and everybody else in here....<br />
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Thank you everyone for the comments. It feels good to know other people have the same struggles I do. Avoiding social situations is one of the hardest things on me. I too sit inside and look at all the people outside actually doing stuff. I get sad when I think about how my life is wasting away. That's why I'm trying to get help. I want to enjoy life and be able to be in a healthy relationship.<br />
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mpulse- I wasn't diagnosed with BPD too quickly. I saw a clinician who referred me to a psychiatrist who referred me to a therapist who specializes in BPD. I went through a structured clinical interview diagnosis (SKID). I am still not 100% convinced I have this, but my boyfriend is!<br />
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As for the pills, I took them for two and a half months then quit taking them. They helped a little bit with the anxiety, but not enough for me to keep taking them.

- It's crazy when the sun is shining through my window , kids are playing in the park , couples are having picnics , people are swimming in the sea and here I am avoiding life sitting alone in my room – I know what it’s like. In this climate, when the numbers of people who are going under is going up. It's not even called depression any more. This is about not feeling comfortable in your skin. And not being able to check in with anyone else. A lot of people don't know how to live life, so they avoid it ..<br />
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- I'm no expert but just small steps and small changes can make a HUGE difference. Tomorrow, for once, please just stop beating yourself up. Try to have a really different day. When I’m really depressed, I try to shake up my life and practically do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. <br />
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I've always said that apathy leads to apathy. Energy leads to energy and sadness is simply sad. It's very difficult to make yourself happy. You have to wait until the sadness lifts, go away, and go back to where it came from. <br />
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Somehow, reach out to someone. Join a support group. Join a community website that supports that hobby of yours. Visit a friend. They may need the visit as badly as you do. Friendships work on all different levels. We need friends for different moment, different reasons, and different times of our lives. Sometimes reconnecting with an old friend can really help get me out of a dark spot. <br />
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On a practical not – do try to avoid drinking. It has been proven in many studies to make depression worse. It can also be two to three times as bad if you are taking medications for your depression. Exercise (a walk on the beach or a forest is so good for the soul) produces endorphins in your body which help you to “feel good” and work out the stress that may be a contributing factor. <br />
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The problem I sometimes have is I’m too depressed to exercise. One excuse is as good as another when you just don’t want to exercise. Forcing yourself is one answer. You will thank yourself once you do so. Exercising with a friend is another answer. I found that anti depressants really helped me to cope - I resisted them for a long time but GOD if you want to die - they're certainly a much better option.<br />
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Just a few ideas…<br />
Good luck –hope things pick up for you.

Did you get diagnosed with BPD right off the bat? Usually that takes a while to diagnose... beware of doctors who diagnose so quickly & just hand out meds... I've had some bad experiences...

Sounds like you're on the right track. :-) DBT is a good thing, And you seem to have some good support with your BF. Just hang in there, and keep learning about BPD. There will be ups and downs, but with a lot of work, more ups and less devastating downs. *hugs*