Now That I Know

What is wrong with me, I can see it all the time.  There is a base sanity and sprinkled in it's midst are seeds of insanity, sprouting up here and there, largely unprovoked, ... what caused that!?  What is going on!?  Now I never stop questioning.  I stumbled across Zen Buddhism a few years ago and was immediately hooked on the investigative aspect of it.  Never stop questioning, looking deeper... but that spins me in circles of thought patterns that go on endlessly, no answers to be found!  That is the whole point.  There is no final answer.  No lasting, convincing truth.  Real security is found in realizing impermanence and neutrality.

I began meditating, searching for some answers.  Why am I like this?  What is wrong with me?  Through an amazing experience of awakening into actual reality, a sharp contrast to the engulfing numbness that pervaded my being, I exploded into the world for the first time in many, many years.  Everything was WAAAAYYY too intense!!  Every feeling, thought, sensation, SO INTENSE.  I craved that numbness again, but I knew it was gone forever.  My pain was a sharp, jagged spike driven deep in my pysche, it must be greived, processed, changed....I was so, so, sorry, so filled with grief, sorrow and despair.   Now with the new awareness I just wanted it to be gone!  I wanted to go to sleep again, forget about it all again.... for a few years I intoxicated myself with marijuana because it dulled all of this intensity to a bearable level.  Then one day I decided that it was time to face this ..... well those were six months of living hell where I nearly lost my apartment and my fiance due to "rage storms".  So I started smoking again, thinking, if I just keep this, all will be well, I won't feel all this intensity anymore.  I was starting to see through that as well...the highs and lows and emotions were still there, waiting....

I saw my family doctor for depression and the counselor she referred me to gave me a list of symptoms to fill out.  I did.  She then recommended me to a DBT program because she said I have BPD and PTSD.  I decided to quit marijuana for the sake of the program because finally, something will help me!  (They promised).  I'm a few months into it now and it has helped a lot.  I can see my disease pretty clearly, all those "Aha!" moments stirring within me, encouraging me to proceed.  There are a lot of recovering BPDs in my group that give me wonderful insight into all of this.

I told my therapist that I am broken.  She said don't say that... I have "challenges".  I explained that if I'm broken, I can be fixed.  If I have challenges, they must be overcome.  She challenges my thinking.  I need this more than anything.  How do we know what's right if all we have is what is in our heads?  My whole world is in my head.  And it is faulty, "maladaptive".  I need to heal.  I have finished grieving my suffering.  It is time to move on.  I'm glad to have found this place to share.

kirayng kirayng
31-35, F
6 Responses Mar 7, 2010

The comments about interpersanal interacting been replaced by devices was stricking to me. I seek the truth that will answer so many of my questions. I only get clues to these truths and then I am wondering again with only more questions.

lyrical I am on seroquel too but for schizoaffective and other things. <br />
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I am to a point now where I just go by the "rules" go to the theRAPIST and take my meds. I am almost 29 years old and I am how I am how I am how I am. There is no more need to try to "figure" myself out. I have been hospitalized three times , suicide attempts in the past, drug abuse, overdose and so on. I just am how I am.

Thank you all for your words. I have considered medication, tho I'm still in the process of finding a psychiatrist because I'm unemployed with no insurance. DBT helps more actually by knowing others with BPD, so in a sense this site fulfills that purpose. I'd have to say knowing there are others out there that understand me, either in real life or cyberspace helps tremendously. We can all learn from each other and help each other through our unique suffering.<br />
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I agree with Squigglefish that this disorder is becoming more prevelant as parents try to raise children in this technological age of disconnection. We're so connected, through email, cellphones, facebook, but yet it is not a real connection, so people are forming personalities based on ideas rather than experiences. Children have instant contact with their parents, but it's through a device. Oh what a wonder a pat on the shoulder and a "Good job" do for a child that a text message saying "you can do it" just doesn't compare. Everything is watered down and filtered through these devices, shortened and inconsequental.<br />
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I love the internet, I spend several hours of the day on this game World of Warcraft, my friends are "vent friends" meaning I chat with them using my voice over the internet, but I don't see anyone face to face. Ultimately this is very comforting to me because I can be myself instead of pretend!<br />
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Best wishes everyone.

I can't do DBT. I am diagnosed with ASPD and BPD so that wouldn't work out for me. I have numbed myself numerous times with drugs. Once, a little too much. =

A very nice post, thank you. <br />
I think dabbling with that "quest for the truth" - this idea always looms as an intellectual truth, a permanent ethos if not the philosopher's stone - and accelerating the self towards dressing some steady psyche causes more harm than good. Holding onto it or trying to halt it, i mean the working of the mind, either way it is a waste of time. I found sticking to things I love of greater value.

I am still waiting for a place on a DBT program and in the meantime my relationship and everything in my life is falling apart but at least reading this helps me to know when I do get on the course it will help me and maybe things can get better and one day I will understand thee insane thughts that invade me mind. thanks