But I Have Control..

For years and years i didnt know what was wrong with me, why i got so hurt and upset at things that other people wouldn't flinch at, why i felt like my whole world was tumbling down if someone didnt call me back when they said they would, or gave me the impression they didnt care. Why i felt like everyone left me, abandoned me and didn't want me... then i discovered i had BPD.. my therapist at the time was the first one who dared to tell me... i later found out that my psychiatrists has listed it in my notes for years without telling me...


What scares me most about it though is people pre-concieved ideas!

I got hold of an amazing book and i read the whole thing and shaded in with coloured pencil all the bits that i identified with, for once i felt safe and like i wasnt an un-known crazy... there was a reason/reasons for why i felt like i did and someone out there understood it enough to put into words what i could only explain throuhg self harm.. it was the biggest relief of my life.. and the biggest help i ever recieved... From then on in  understood how i felt and why i felt that way and that was a huge factor in how i got to where i am today... able to control and rationalise my BPD thoughts and to all intents and purposes.. be "normal"... but if you tell someone "i have borderline personality disorder" they think you're crazy, you dont have control of it and it rules your life...

Thats not the case.. just over a year ago now i was in an eating disorders hospital and after a few months there the deputy manager actually admitted to me how shocked she was at how well i had my BPD under control the majority of the time.. that was the biggest compliment she ever gave me.. she recognized that, yes, i have problems, but no.. i'm not crazy, needy, attention seeking and demanding... i am just me and i fight every day to deal with my illnesses so that i can live my life for me!!

JustADaisy JustADaisy
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

thank you me0nothing :) i'm really glad people can relate to what i said.. obviously not tht you have t suffer to be able to relate but that somehow i make sense.. im digging a hole arent i? haha<br />
anyway thank you :D x

thank you, it's not an easy thing to do but i am a lot happier than when i was once upon a time letting the bpd control me instead :) x

Good for you when you take control of your problem and learn how to cope and lead the life you want thats the best thing anyone can do for themselves good luck on your daily struggle it's good to hear when people take charge of their lives.