At The Verge Of Breaking


my name is Anika and I am borderline. Or, well I have borderline. But nowadays I can't really tell the difference. The crushing, breaking, tearing thoughts and feelings haunt me now, every hour of the day. I remember when I only felt the anxiety in the evenings. At least then I could just go to bed. But things are getting worse. My "episodes" are no longer episodes, they are the periods which rule my day. My days and the days of those near and dear to me. Should I add that the guilt of that doesn't make it any better?

I really don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I wish I wasn't complaining. But I just dn't know what to do anymore. I am dying. I am literally dying from the pain and hurt of this "borderline" crushing me from the inside. So why would it so bad of me to take a shortcut? Pills are only a room away, there is traffic rushing past my window..  I'd be at peace, and those around me would be better off.

Help me, please.

Does anyone undstand or know a better way out?


Anikamarie Anikamarie
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Yes I understand too. I've been where you are, and have felt like you feel. It's so overwhelming sometimes, isn't it? The thing that helps me the most is to learn to stop these thoughts before they start. Understand that it's just your emotions, and that they're usually not right. Or maybe they're right, but too extreme. Have you ever tried DBT? It's something you can talk to your therapist about if you have one, or if you're good at doing things on your own, research it...I have had BPD for years, and have learned that it never goes away really. But it can be managed if you are determined to do it. Hard work, don't beat yourself up if you slip...and keep trying.

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate it, and I am glad, not that some of you can relate to what I am feeling - but glad that I am not alone about feeling this way. Take care.

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate it, and I am glad, not that some of you can relate to what I am feeling - but glad that I am not alone about feeling this way. Take care.

My advice. See therapists. Go inpatient for a while (trust me it isn't all that bad).

Dear Anika,<br />
I am worried about you.<br />
But I am hoping that since you very bravely asked out and loud for needed to be done, you will be willing to listen and think.<br />
Girl, I am a borderline too and I understand your pain 100%.<br />
I know what it feels like, I know the helplessness, I know the desire to die.<br />
<br />
Endless people will tell you to see a doctor or talk to friend.<br />
My advice is not very different. <br />
I say it out of my own personal experience that seeking professional help, really makes a difference.<br />
Anika, I went through a lot.<br />
And a lot more after starting with the treatment. But I benefitted.<br />
Today, I lead a happy, healthy life.<br />
<br />
I wish the same for you.<br />
<br />
Please respond back, atleast to tell me that you are fine....

that is the disorder talking. seek help there is no shame. if u had cancer would u not go to the doctor and take meds? well this is the same thing. if u hurt urself u will also hurt others. just plzzz seek help.

Your not complaining, don't ever thing your complaining when you need help. You may think everyone would be better off without you, but they won't be. If you kill your self your not just hurting you, you are hurting the people who care about you. Think, do you really want your mother or father or there person who loves and cares for you most to have to go through losing you? What if the pain is so severe the person who cares for you most can't take it anymore because your not there, kills themselves over losing you?.<br />
<br />
I understand what you are going through, I do not like to discus this with people I do not know, but I have gone through what you have. I have taken that step to trying to "ending it", and I regret ever doing so, because my mother happened to come back home after leaving for work because she forgot something and happened to find me. The look on her face showed me just how wrong what I did was, the pain on her face was worse than what I had felt to cause me to do such a thing.<br />
<br />
I don't know your situation, your life or what is going on for you, but death is not the answer. It doesn't seem like it but its always darkest just before the dawn, it will get better, I know because of personal experience. Try talking to someone, letting someone know how much pain you are in, how hopeless you feel. Try talking to a professional, a help line. Try find yourself something you love to do, anything to defeat these thoughts and feels you have. Keeping it to your self just makes it worse. Wether you believe in god or not, pray, if not to him but to your self, ask for help. Don't ever give up, don't ever give in, you can and will find a way, because there is always a way, a light in the darkness.

If the people around though they would be better off without you then they would have told you. If you are seeing a doctor then you should tell them about your feelings. If you are not seeing a doctor then tell a close friend about it. It really works. I know it probably sounds cliche but it has helped me alot. maybe it will do the same for you.