My History

I was born in Southeast Texas. My mother did not want me so she left me in the hospital after I was born. My maternal grandmother who never learned to drive took a cab from the next town over to pick me up and bring me home. I lived with her from then up until I was 11 years old. My grandmother had very few friends and I was not allowed to have any either. My grandmother loved me a lot but she also beat me a lot.

I did not have any friends in school. I talked funny, I grew fast...I was 5'6" with a size 9 in women's shoe by the age of 10. I was physically abused by the kids at school, by my grandmother at home. I was always in pain. Emotional pain. When my grandmother got mad at me she would call the cops on me, send me me to her friends houses. The summer after my third grade year of school she sent me to live with my mother and stepfather. My grandmother was not rich but my mother's extreme poverty with 3 additional children was a stark contrast. I had never been to an apartment before- my mother lived in a housing project. My mother was schizophrenic and would have episodes where she would freak out. My sister and I did not start school that year until well into September. We never had food. We had to go to the local Soup kitchen called Some Other Place and get sack lunches on Saturday mornings. Our mother would make us change clothes and swap jackets so we could go through the line multiple times and get enough food for the week. On halloween of that year-1994- we had to get as much candy as we could when we went trick-or-treating and my mother forced us to eat it for dinner for at least a week because she lost her job teaching at Delta Careers.

The first week of december after I got home from TAAS prep at school my mom tried to stab me as soon as I walked in the door. My stepfather pulled me out of harms way just as she swung the large knife at me. That night she went on a rampage and tore up all of yearbooks from when I lived with my grandmother, she threw alway all of my stuffed animals, my clothes, everything. The next morning she was still acting strangely and cursing and running around naked. When I got off the bus at school I lay in the hallway and just cried in a fetal position. Counselors came and took me away and asked me to tell them everything that happened. By the middle of the day CPS was called and I was being driven back to the next town to live with grandmother. As soon as I arrived my grandmother started to cry. I started to cry too because I had missed her so much. But then she told the social worker that she was crying because she did not want me. She was happy to be by herself. My grandmother started cursing at me and telling me how much she did not want me as soon as the social worker left. I was crushed. I just started walking down the street and went to visit our closet neighbor and her little poodle Chelsea. For as long as I can remember I have simply adored animals. They are so soft and warm and kind. And unlike people, they always seem to love me. I petted little Chelsea and cried for hours before walking back to my grandmother's house.

I started school again in the town I grew up with my grandmother after Christmas. I had a rough time that spring. I got into fights with boys and just did poorly in school in general. The following summer my grandmother sent me to live with my 3rd cousin twice removed in Houston. She was much younger than my 80 year old grandmother at 28. She was never married and very educated and successful. She graduated from UT *** Laude with a degree in engineering. She purchased her own house all by herself at like 23. When I left my grandmothers house in tiny southeast texas and drove to the big city it was like a whole new world. I was terrified of overpasses because I was not used to going over them in the car....I would cover my eyes and cry. My grandmother and I did not have hot water- or washing machines...my grandmother would wash clothes in a was tub..(yes in 1994) and hang them to try over our space heater which ran year round in our living room. I had never seen an ice box with a water and ice dispenser outside of TV. I had never watched a color TV outside of school. I did not know what cable was, how to take a shower (I bathed in a wash tub filled with water my grandmother heated on the stove)...I didn't know anything about the stuff kids my age did or wore or watched. And I had to get up to speed pretty quick by the time school started again. I had a horrible time learning how to make and maintain eye contact. My communication skills were awful. I was always getting into trouble. I was getting bigger my the month with long spindly arms and knobby gangly legs. My grades were terrible. My cousin was very disappointed by the fact that she was unable me into the perfect little lady she had imagined. I preferred male clothes and shoes and had a hard time learning in school and at home. My cousin became very frustrated with me and beat me a lot. I did not have any friends at my new school and I just felt empty and soul less. I always felt at that time that no one loved me and and everyone hated me. I would cry and rock in the corner just repeating those words. My cousin sent me back to live with my grandmother the next summer because of my difficulties. My grandmother still didnt wan't me and one day after she kicked me out of the bed she fell and hit her head and started spitting up blood. I then went to live with a friend of hers and then to a group home for girls for the next 6 years. More later.
BrokenDamaged BrokenDamaged
26-30
3 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Wow. I wish I could make that all go away for you, really. No kid anywhere deserves to be treated like that. None of this is your fault. I'm sorry you were born into such a family. The eye contact thing...if a child feels worthless they find it hard to make eye contact with others, it's actually a normal reaction from people who are neglected and abused. Those people robbed you, but you no longer have to let that define you. Please know that you are worthy of everything the next person is. You are not less than, they made you feel that way but they are the ones in the wrong. Don't let them rob you any longer, you and your happiness are worth it! Peace :)

*hugs*

Child, I'm so very sorry that you were not cherished, as you had the right to be, when you were young. I very much hope that your seed, which was thrown on such rocky soil, blossoms and blooms for many a season. G_d knows, we all deserve so much better than what you had so far received. I'll never understand how people fail to see what blessings children can be, if only they choose to see them that way.