My History Part Ii

When I started living at the group home I didn't really know how to feel. People and teachers always assumed everyone in hours 15 passenger van was in the home because we were menaces to society. Some were but most, like me, just didnt have anywhere else to go. Our parents were junkies or dead. Our grandparents were old. I had a terrible time at school. I went to Austin Middle School in beaumont and I was teased every day. kids would joke up until I was in law school that they day I became a school shooter to remember that they were nice to me. In fact earlier this week three sheriffs deputies questioned be about whether I threated to blow up a church school...Im like uhhh im 28 im not in school anymore? but as we saw yesterday evidentally that doesnt make a difference I guess.

I think anything borderline related started happening to me in the girls home. it was just too much for me to take. the teasing, the sudden change, the rigor or chores and digging post holes ...i think i began to have a break from reality at some point. I didnt have any friens outside of the grils home. my only friends were adults like 30 years old than me. I became obsessed with cars, and dupont registry and jewelry. I believed that one day I would be as rich as our fancy donors and with multiple mercedes and a house in a gated golf club. I began to have to focus on something out of reality or else I would get really depressed and violent. I am still the same today. I focused on music, on a crush, on a band. today i focus on polo and horses. my grandma died when I was in 7th grade. I got really sick and could not get out of bed for 2 months. one of my house parents got me a kitten a few months later and it made me feel a bit better. We named her Trouble. She was a black and white tuxedo kitten we found at a convenience store. she was so smart and she became my best friend in the world. i had her for 16 months. I loved her.

A lot of our houseparents were abusive. The first ones that were there were really racist and would make mean jokes about black people and would make me chase behind the van at walmart. I was always the only black person at the home and it sucked because even though I had never been around black people i was always teased about typical stereotypical black people things which I never understood myself since I was always made fun of by black kids most of all for not being black enough. I became violent and suicidal and was hospitalized for a week during thanksgiving in 1999. The same thanksgiving of the aggie bonfire incident.

When I went back to the girls home we started at a new private school where I got teased even more at the beginning but then for the first time since I lived in silsbee I had friends. Daniel, Danielle, and JoAnna oh, and Rene. I still sucked at school with bad grades in almost every subject. I was always bright and did excellent on standarized tests but I have always done poorly in school. This really sucked because the only way to guarantee having a good life and lots of money if you grow up in a group home is to do well in school lol. which I never have. I won a scholarship in 2001 to attend boarding school. I was the happiest there I had ever been. It was no longer heinous thing to talk "proper" or sound smart. I was actually able to go places on my own by signing the the little outing sheets and being at the bus stop at the right time...I didn't have to stay cooped up in my room at the girls home.

My grades were still poor and I failed out after only a year. After that I went to live with my cousin again in houston. I failed AP history my first semester and my cousin sent me back to beaumont on a greyhound bus after the christmas holidays to live with my mother. I got to the bus station and my mother was not their. A taxi driver let me use his cellphone so I could call my mother who advised me that she was not coming to pick me up from the bus station. The taxi driver took me to the salvation army in beaumont where I spent the night. I paid and took another bus back to houston where I called the nine line for covenant house from a payphone and they came and got me. they said I could not stay there because I was a minor and then I was picked up by CPS. CPS said that they could take me into custody but they would file charges against my cousin for child abandonment. My aunt didnt want charges so she picked me up and cursed at me and beat me up really bad all the way home. she took my key to the house so when school started back up in january I had to sleep outside on the porch everynight until she got home to let me inside. I slept under an old wool army blanket I got when I was in girls haven. It was at the same time that I realized I was as lesbian and that made me even more depressed and suicidal. My cousin sent me to live with her parents at the end o fthe summer. She told me we were going to go to adopt a puppy and we were gong to stop by her parents house on the way. She told me to watch TV and she turned it up really loud. When it was time go I told her parents by and she said I was staying there and all of my things were in the laundry room- which is why she turned up the TV so I would not hear her moving my things. When I went up to my room where I would be staying and started throwing stuff her dad came up stairs and twisted my neck. I still have have neck problems to this day.

I had to go to Kashmere high school in houston where I was teased everyday. All the kids were urban and I was not. Teachers didnt do anything to stop the teasing. Girls with weave teased me about my short hair and called me a "fake *** Erykah Badu". I cried alone everyday at lunch. I tried to focus on the teacher I had a crush on at Westside each and everyday just to get through the day. As time went on the more and more I got teased- the more cold I became.

Because I am 6'3" tall every insisted that I should play basketball. I really didnt want to but I thought everyone would lay off of me if I did. I was terrible at it my teamates teased me still. In my only game apperance in fall 2004 I got the ball and tried to make a shot and missed....luckily I missed because I was shooting at my teams goal.

Unable to tolerate the teasing anymore I took myself out of kashmere and enrolled a charter school. I still continued to do poorly in school. I didnt have a car and I had to take Metro to and from school and work. at the end of the year my cousins parents said I still had to go and I found a room for rent off wilcrest and beechnut for 75/week. I enrolled back in Westside highschool. I would leave home at 545 to catch the first bus the 19 wilcrest for 6 am. then I would get off at briar forest and wilcrest aroound 6;15 and wait for the 53 briarforest to take me to westside. I was finally a senior so I didn't get teased to much. This was my 7th highschool of high school. My grades were still poor and I was working at HEB and Oshmans to pay rent and buy food and bus fare. I was failing geometry, chemistry and most other things. in November 2004 my landlord raised the rent because a physician tenant moved out and she needed the difference. I had the choice of going back to covenenat house or a halfway house called Mission of Yahweh. I chose the latter because Covenant House was very restrictive and I valued my independence. Also covenant house said I could only bring enough to fit in two trashbags and I had my laptop, my stereo, my cd player and all my stuff from my room. My Cousin that kicked me out helped me register to take the GED ( she taught a GED class in her spare time) and I got a job in a call center in December 2004. I lived at the shelter until August 2005. In spring 2005 a kind volunteer paid for me to start college at north harris college. I attended there until I started college at SHSu in fall 2005 and moved out of the shelter.

The shelter was terrible. A lot of people had been to prison, and did drugs. The lady, Sister Gay had adopted 27 kids from incarcirated mothers in the 80s and early 90s. The were all into bad things and still teased me. I just tried to go to work, do my thing and keep my sexuality private because everyone was supposedly really religious.

The nearest bus the 46 kempwood stopped at gessner so I would have to walk 2 miles from the bustop down gessner all the way to the dangerous carverdale neighborhood.

When I started college at SHSU i was very happy beause the dining hall was all you could eat and there were not roaches in everything like in the shelter. I even did better in school and made the deans list 3 times while I was in college. My borderline traits started to appear when I was the the community college and working at the call center. when people on the phone would call me names or when I would get teased bad at school I would calmly go to the bath room and rip the tampon machines off the walls and slam the stall doors until they came unhinged. At SHSu I beat myself with a belt when I was alone in my dorm because of a rejection that happened the first month of school my freshman year.

My cousin's parents told me I needed to find a place to stay by the end of the school year.
BrokenDamaged BrokenDamaged
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

My god you have been through so much! You're not borderline, you're not "crazy", your angry, and rightfully so! Look at what you have been through. Is there anyone you can talk to professionally? A social worker, psychologist, counselor? Keep your head up. Are you able to finish school? You have come so far for what you have been through. You are a strong and amazing person! You will find your voice and someday a good woman to spend your life with. Just keep trying to better yourself and in time things will fall into place. Good luck, stay strong.