I Don't Know How I Feel

The way my mind works has always scared me & I always assumed that was something everyone felt but never voiced. Maybe it is, I really couldn't say. But I was reading something a friend had written about Borderlive Personality Disorder and suddenly I was scared & relieved & confused in one moment. It was like she was describing the way I feel. I related completely to everything she said & understood how she felt immediately. I've never felt that way when someone has described the way they feel or the way they see themselves/the world etc. So I looked up BPD traits online in case I was just relating to her because she's someone I care about. Almost everything fit me. It was like a neat little list of symptoms that described me so well that I couldn't work out how I should feel. Am I supposed to be scared? Relieved? What the hell am I meant to feel like?? I just thought I was messed up & could never work out why. I have read about & know people who have had horrific life experiences & thought I must be so selfish for having mental health problems. How can someone from a loving family with friends who care about them & children who love them & need them still be like me? I hated myself so often for not feeling the way I thought I should about things that have happened in my life. I cling to people & get scared when they have other friends or people they care for because in my mind I'm thinking "that must surely mean I'm less important to them". I spend so much time feeling lost and alone but I have good friends, a caring family & a fiancé who adores me. But I even doubt how the people who love me most feel about me & I dont know what that says about me as a person. I've even said in one breat how selfish a fruend is & how they clearly dont' care about me at all then in the next that they're one of the bestf riends I've ever had & I don't like who I am when that happens. I can't even face being me because I don't know who that is, so then I start wondering how can anyone love me if "me" isn't a real thing anyway. I never know how I feel because just when I think I have a handle on things everything around me seems to shift & how I feel is totally different. Sometyimes I feels so scared or so angry or so confused that I desperately want to hurt myself. I'm suicidal and yet I'm not at all. I can't be because I've got 2 children & I know I can't leave them no matter what. It's the only thing I know & even though I doubt it sometimes & think they'd be better without me, there isn't anything for them if I'm not here & I can't leave them alone because I know how scary feeling alone is even if you're not iterally alone anyway. I can't bear trying to work it all out on my own but I can't face telling a doctor about it eother. I was seeing a counsellor & it was useless because no matter what I was always telling her whatever made me look like a good person. It didn't matter if I believed it or not sometimes I just kept pushing the perfect me forwards because the idea of anyone seeing what I'm actually like is terrifying. I can't imagine how anyone could want to be around me. When I'm angry I want to hurt anyone & anything but I can't because I have my children to care for but I'm scared that one day I'll lose control completely. They're the only thing sometimes that stops me from trying to kill myself or even just walking out the door & keeping going just so I'm not home any more. I'm so ******* scared. I've never admitted ay of this to anyone in my life & I can't even say everything I want to say now. It's all in a massive knot in my syomach. I've always felt like this but actually admitting itpetrifies me. I don't know what to do

Timidexcess Timidexcess
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 14, 2010

i thibnk this group is old some or on it some not i can relate you so much at least you have kifds i dont have none cause my fricken family doesnt give a crap on the other hand cant show emotions to them ive learnt to keep things inside the otherday i was a round some one who triggers me and i just took jugs of milk and flipped right out never been able to do that it scared me im a stubborn person i wont open up or fdo i trust people i truly dont know i keep going darkness makes feel dsick and cope in the world dysuctional its just not fair cant cry so i can look inside my myself lonliness kills let people seem as ifine and im not healthy at this time in lide habits addicted to the smoking i smoke like a junky im scared of love but i need gods love notr a mans love as i put myself in positions well i abuse myself or use the man but i dont mean to cause he all i have my finally chooses not to undesrand my i feel so angry at me and angry i cant open up cant make healthy decions i feel like im enslved im glad you shared

I can really relate to the having to pretend everything is fine, when you are actually dying piece by piece, crumb by crumb, moment by moment, drowning in an internal despair that you are not allowed to express.
I am working through my DBT skills book at the moment.
It is helping somewhat.

hey sweetie, <br />
<br />
i'm glad i can be some sort of help.. it took a long long time before i had any idea what was "wrong with me" or got any help.. i've been in and out of the mental health system since i was about 16 and it wasnt till i was in my 20's that things started to finally come together.. people views and attitudes to mental health still have a lot to be answered for!!<br />
<br />
In the end i found the best way to get any help or support was to ask out right for it.. it's the scariest thing in the world to do but you need to go in there and say look, this has been going on for however many years and medication helps but doesnt solve it or give me ways of coping.. i need to find ways of cping and get some support for ME.<br />
<br />
ok hun there's 2 books..the one i found amazing was this one http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1583919155/ref=oss_product<br />
<br />
"managing intense emotionas and overcoming self destructive habits"<br />
<br />
the title is a bit diluted as to what its about but i think you'll relate to a lot in there!!<br />
<br />
another one is this one...<br />
<br />
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0878332669/ref=oss_product<br />
<br />
"lost int he mirror"<br />
<br />
i hope they help, i'm always here if you wanna chat, <br />
love you loads xxxx

Thank you honeybunny.... At the moment I'm still trying to work out what's going on in my head & at the same time trying to explain to my doctor that just upping the dose of my anti depressants (again!) isn't going to miraculously help. She seems to assume that because counselling didn't do much, if anything, to help that medication is the only answer. So my next step is to work out what to say to her when I go back in two weeks to try to get her to see that it's not just that I have a "stressful life" that's "getting on top of me" because I've felt like this for about 15 years now! I don't seem to have much luck getting doctors to take me seriously. I don't know if I have BPD or not but there are certainly traits that I recognise in myself so that book would definitely be something I'd want to read<br />
<br />
It's really good knowing there's someone I can talk to who isn't going to judge me. I really do appreciate it. Love you to bits xxxxx

first of all **massive squishy cuddles**<br />
<br />
secondly, you might feel like you just blurted all of that out and it didnt make any sense and it just came out and you kept writing as the thoughts rushed through your head and then triggered other thougts and then others and you went round in a few circles and then ended up still not knowing if you'd actually written what you meant to *and breathe* but infact to someone like me.. what you wrote makes perfect sense :)<br />
<br />
weather i'm BPD or just someone who understands.. it makes sense.. i think i'm both.. What you wrote honey and my little explination of how you wrote it made perfect sense in the world of BPD.. i'm not saying you have or haven't got it, i'm no expert by far BUT.. i do know exactly how it feels and how scared i was for so many years not knowing what was "wrong" with me.. why i acted and reacted l ike i did... yeah it was scary someone saying "you have bpd" but it was also a relief like you say... i will find out the name of the book i read that helped me more than any counsellor or therapist ever has with my bpd.. it didnt cure me but it made me see that there were resons for how i felt and it did make sense.. there were actually words that someone had managed to put down on paper that explained those unexplainable feelings i had inside...<br />
<br />
... and thirdly.. i love you to bits and i'm always here if you wanna chat, scream, cry, laugh, rant.. you name it xxxx