I Love Him Even Though I Shouldnt

the guy i love isnt my boyfriend.
he is my ex.
he has been in jail for about 7 months now.
to tell our story i have to start at the very start so here goes.
he and i went to the same high school.
we started dating when i was a sophmore and he was a junior.
we were off and on all through high school...
when he graduated he joined the marines.
we were together when he was in bootcamp and training.
i wrote him every single day.
i even went to visit him a few times at basic.
he asked me to marry him and i said yes.
i started planning the wedding.
months pass by...
things are really good.
then out of nowhere he just stops talking to me.
no explanation just stops.
i find out from a mutual friend he has married someone else.
i'm heartbroken.
a year has gone by...
then a text comes saying how he wants to try and be friends.
i think about it and give him a shot.
he lives near me now
i drive to go see him.
he has a new girlfriend.
meet her seems nice,
things were going ok
then bam stops talking to me again
another year passes
i get a phone call
its from a prison
i accept
its him.
hes locked up now
wants my address so we can write each other
i give it to him
honestly with the intent to find out what happened nothing more
we write back and forth a few times
he appologizes for everything that has happened in the past
says he is different
wants to make everything up to me
wants to be friends
best friends
then the bomb is dropped
his girlfriend from before is pregnant
they arent together though
ok fine
i can deal with that
i didnt want to be in a relationship with him anyways
then things change
old feelings start coming back
he writes down things from our past
the good times
he even remembers our first date
what i wore the first he saw me
the smell of my hair
my favorite color
my perfume
my birthday
our anniversary
our first kiss
a lot of other firsts
every little detail
his letters go from being signed your friend
to xoxo
i miss home becomes i miss you
i'm checking the mail everyday just to see if there is a letter
my heart drops everytime there isnt one
and i jump for joy every time there is
it feels like pure happiness washes over me
i am sure my neighbors think i am nuts
sometimes i think i am too
i worry all the time
what if something happens
what if there is a fight
prison isnt like the real world
i know that because he tells me
hes honest
frighteningly honest
tells me about fights and gangs
how you have to watch your back
cant make the wrong move or your dead
it scares me
i have to remind myself that he is strong
so strong
he'll be fine
he'll adapt
my words feel like lies to my heart
i still worry every day
even more when a few days go by and i dont get a letter
his letters keep me sane
without them i would lose it
i would be a big teary red eyed mess
walking around crying all the time
i love him so much
even though i havent told him yet
i know he knows
just like i know he loves me
even though he hasnt said it
waiting for him to come home
then i will say it
i cant wait to kiss him 
its been over 2 years since the last time
its been about that long since i have hugged him
i love his hugs
his smile, the way he says my name
the way he looks at me
i want him home.

-just needed to get all that out
my family hates him so i cant talk about him
i live with my worry and pain silently
nobody knows
its lonely

KrwKdb KrwKdb
1 Response Aug 14, 2010

I know exactly how u feel hopefully u don't get hurt in the end I'm getting ready to post my story maybe u can read it and know you're not alone.....