How Can I Cope With This Disorder?

I have BPD. It's because I was molested when I was six and it went on all the way until a few weeks ago actuallly. I never knew what the reason was but now i know that that is why. I don't know how my boyfriend is going to be able to handle this. I have so many mixed emotions and i feel like i'm psychologically ...crazy or something. I think he deserves someone who can at least control their thoughts and feelings. I love him so much but I don't want to make him suffer because of my disorder. I wish I knew how to just stop it. I think that praying to God, reading my Bible and just saying what I feel will help it but it can only help so much. I want to get better but I just don't know how. I watch these movies and read these books about crazy people and the things they think and feel, and it scares me so much because sometimes i think and feel the same way. I can't love anyone else correctly if i can't love myself. But all the things that have happened to me and all the things that I have done, I feel like they prevent me from loving myself. I need help. How do i get rid of this? please comment.
Loveyouforever060411 Loveyouforever060411
18-21, F
5 Responses May 19, 2012

I know where your coming From, I too am in a relation ship that is rocky due to my diagnosis. When I was younger I was molested and abused very badly . By my babysitter which went on for years... And then lost my father at the age of ten which induced the fear of abandonment a lot. I'm in love with my boyfriend and don't know how to love him either. Or accept love. Because I feel I deserve to be hurt. Or I expect to be abandoned... All of this stems from my tattered past but the only way to truly allow someone to love you correctly. I think personally. Is to love yourself. Whatever that may be. Giving to your self. Everyday in some small way. reminding your self what your worth. Something that makes you feel your value... Then you can healthy accept and reciprocate love and genuine affection... I know that was a lot to say. But there's a quote from a movie I love the Perks of being a wallflower. "We accept the love we think we deserve"

I also feel that I will never be able to sustain a full relationship with somebody because of BPD. It worries me sick

I have bpd also. Gather all of the information you can, and tools to help you. I tell myself that It's not me, my brain is just broken and I have to retrain it to think logically instead of emotionally at all times. In the acts of doing all you can like counseling, support groups and learning about your mental illness, you will realize that doing these things is taking care of yourself and that is loving yourself. Even if you still feel empty inside, you know that you are doing your best and this creates a sense of self worth and peace. Don't blame yourself. It isn't you. It‘s the past emotions of emotional trauma that your brain Is holding onto and needs to let go of. Take all the time and years to heal yourself. Have a hobby, even if It's little. You can feel better.<br />
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You might want to check out this online blog as well. It has some interesting BPD experiences

Read the book <br />
Detour : My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D by Lizzie Simon. Many libraries have a copy.

thank you so much, I'll definitely look into it!

If you can't find it in a should be able to get a chreap copy off amazon ... it's a paperback. Lizzie will take you on a cross-country tour as she interviews young adults with this disorder. It was an immense help to me as I coped with understanding BPD whern a family member was diagnosed.

thanks, will do!! :))