Going Through Hell

I am 17 and am suffering with BPD (self diagnosed) my mood swings have been constant since childhood and I've never truly been able to control my emotions, on the contrary they control me. I often feel worthless and scared of the crazy thoughts that bounce around my head constantly, I have a history of drug abuse and cutting. I quit hard drugs mostly, and quit the cutting completely but I still find myself super depressed and angry sometimes uncontrollably, this past week I had an outburst at school and got suspended my mother obviously grounded me and when I found out I was grounded I came home and drank a bottle of liquor followed by several tylenol to try and get rid of the intense anger I was feeling. How stupid is that ? just for getting grounded. my emotions are out of whack and every day I feel like im losing grip more and more.Im ashamed of my emotions and Im incapable of keeping a relationship with anyone. my family hates me, my friends come and go and I cant keep a guy if my life depended on it. All I want is to have ababy because I feel like its the only thing Ill ever be able to love (although I know not to get pregnant at such a young age) my logic and my emotions are at a constant war. Last night I had a really bad migraine followed by feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts, I began sobbing for hours uncontrollably then proceeded to puke all night. My mind and body are both ruined and torn and I don't know what to do about it. Please help.
sashafeirce sashafeirce
18-21
Nov 27, 2012