Mania: Who Has The Time?

Hi again, I am now on day 4 of a manic state. I just want to shop, meet new people, go back to school, get back to therapy, NEVER sleep because who has time for that? My mind wanders, I sit with my phone, computer and TV all doing something different. I often dwell on things that i know i can not change. Im exhausted not physically but mentally, and my body hurts like what i can only assume would be what a 90 year old womans body would feel like. I am a wife and a mother and i dont SUFFER of, but i LIVE with these titles. I have learned over much time that these titles cant define who i am, i still have every opportunity in front of me just like anyone else. I understand myself and knowing that i can guarantee that if you havent experienced this im probably confusing you. I can go on and on and really what am i saying? This has always been an issue because my close relationships are often strained by the unknown. I try to be completely open but it never seems to explain anything. I want nothing more than to help people, you know although it has been an ever changing dream (now knowing because BPD) it has always been humanity that intrigued me. Councelling of any kind, teaching and shaping young minds, social work a voice for those that dont have one, pediatric nursing caring for the sick. I often think about volunteering at homeless shelters, food banks, anywhere i could help. I have a big heart to share and i feel restrained and held back by something that has been bigger than me something i felt i would never control. Right now of coarse i feel like im TAKING my heart back the control i desire but its a false sense of empowerment, i feel this now but will i still when i wake up tomorrow? So although I feel like i do have some control over my feelings and my actions my gut is always pulling in different directions making me second guess my judgement. As always i appreciate the eyes and ears and welcome comments. So do you have the time, what does your gut tell you?
justanotherface22 justanotherface22
26-30, F
2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Holy crap that sounds like me!

I am on the end where I am sleeping too much and missing my days I can get everything done. I know it can be frustrating that you can not sleep. It is during those times I log on and just write continuously. I think if your friends are your friends you can explain that you can not always help how you are. Most times it is in your power to control you other times you feel as if it is not. I wish you would not feel as if you are going on and on as long as you write I will read and it does not matter if it is not perfect. Half of I write has no filter it is one of the many thoughts I have had. I used to have so many I felt like they raced by me without me catching a complete thought. i struggle now with remembering appointments and not oversleeping. It is hard we all second guess ourselves I think. I mean I feel like I can be impulsive in a calm state I think things through. when I talk I feel like I am not understood all the time it is like that. i come here for friends who listen and never judge me. I mean you have some control but never feel powerless. The more you learn about the illness the more people you talk to like you Strength in numbers is powerful. I think I am starting to ramble so I will talk to you another time.