How I Feel. Now. ( As In, Not Then, In The First Story ~ Yeah.)

Well good evening my beautiful ep buds!

You remember where I was last time we chatted about this? I was standing on the edge of that cliff, knowing I could fly but having no clue where I wanted to fly to......
kinda?......
right well, then a friend of mine suggested perhaps i was already doing what I was looking for ~ quite simply, living. Living my life.....and by that I don't mean your hum-drum, dreary, grey, same ole, same ole. Although actually that does have to come into it. But rather taking leaps of faith, taking chances, trying out this, that and the other thing for the sheer experience of it.
Okay, so I had a little think to meself about this and figured something out. All along, throughout my life, I've had one solid and consistent goal in my life and if I achieved it then I could cheerfully stand before the pearly gates and say ~ 
   ' I really didn't waste this gift that was given me.
The goal of course is happiness. Being content and happy with oneself, bringing smiles and love to others.  
Feeling quite smug about having reached this conclusion I was feeling a little bit...*standing on a cliff edge and waving my arms around saying hey look at me mum no hands*, a little reckless perhaps, some fairly intensive self exploration then ensued.
Then something so unbelievably unexpected happened.
I had longed for this for a long time, but just could never envision it.  
But anyway, there it was, if I stretched out my finger tips as far as they could do I could even touch it, try it, taste it........ before any kind of logical or rational thought could kick in......  I'd done it, I'd jumped.........
so there I was in mid-air, clutching this something special close to my heart knowing that I still didn't know quite where this would lead me, didn't have a clue if I would somehow fail and I'd plummet into the depths below me and lie there , broken and in the dark again.
It's worth it.  Oh my heavens, my sweet friends, this unknowing...this uncertainty has only made each moment I'm still in the air, flying, that much more precious; so much sweeter and I cherish each and every moment.  Make it count, make every word, every breath matter. And don't regret a moment of it.
So, if you do happen by one day and see me broken with my wings all raggedy, you can ask me...was it worth it?  And I know I'll smile at you and without hesitation or pause answer... oh yes :)


With love to yous,

Kat xxx :)

charlie248 charlie248
36-40, F
3 Responses Dec 10, 2012

I think I have bpd

Good for you, be strong

Glad you jumped!! This will sound like double talk but in many ways... happiness is not a goal it is the result of attempting to reach our goals..it's the contentment of knowing that no matter what, we are doing our best to be "all we can be!" That we are embracing life in a active manner! Bravo!

Thank you so much! it's the journey , right? not the destination :) xx