I can't think of the last day where I didn't cry at least once.

Death has no meaning to me, since I have not yet experienced it in my life, but I have experienced pure, unadulterated grief.

To this day, I feel as though I have never had a true identity.

I tell my wonderful, sweet boyfriend I don't want him to love me, at least once every three days. I tell him it scares the **** out of me...

And it does.

What if I fall for him?
(I think I have, but I always do, and it's so easy for me to leave but it's not easy for me to be left, so how would I be able to handle it if he got tired of my never ending problems and said "goodbye."?)

Therefore I push myself away.

And then I beat myself up for ruining something beautiful.

So instead I try to tell him everything going on in my brain and hope to whatever deity that he still accepts me.

And somehow, he does.

Maybe he will be the end to the ******* bullshit excuses for relationships I had on the past.

I was to by my therapist that bpd usually stems from sexual abuse.
And that there are steps to get to where my emotions can be manageable. He told me what they were but..

I see the steps as:
1. Talk about the trauma.
2. Get accustomed to talking about it.
3. Record and listen to myself telling the ******* story.
4. Learn how to get to my happy place.
5. I will be able to have control over the emotions connected to the memory.
6. Poof! My bpd is gone.

And yeah, that's pretty much what he said.

So I guess the point of this rant was to get opinions on these steps.

Can bpd be "cured"?

Is it truly just a mental disorder attached to a traumatic memory? (Or multiple memories?)

Can I actually recover from what happened to me?

What will happen if I'm not bpd anymore?

To me, it doesn't really make much sense. But I mean, what do I know.

(Sorry this was so ******. It's hard for me to get my thoughts into words.)
pinheadlari pinheadlari
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Thank you for writing about BPD. It's very important and your insight helped me to understand more

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. (: