I Forgot to Add a Door..........=[

~ I built my wall painstakingly over the years, with bricks of pain, humilation, distress, & fear. It took years to build & now it's quite well inforced. The me inside is too scared to try & break it down. She knows outside is pain, fear, humilation, & horror. She doesn't want to go outside. Everytime someone is nice to her, a crack appears in her wall. She has quite a few cracks since joining EP & she can even see through a tiny hole in her wall now that she has a few friends to help her.... But she still gets the nasty remark, the PM that makes her uncomfortable & so she fills in a crack.  ~

~ Fear is a constant companion for me. There are so many people in my life that have found me lacking in someway. Standing behind a wall keeps me a bit safer. I still feel the pain, but in some ways it's easier to accept behind a wall. I can pretend that it doesn't matter that I'm not able to be truly loved. It doesn't matter that I can't go into the sun.  ~

~ It does matter though.........But I'm so scared to take down my wall. What if you don't like ME? What if all those bricks were right? What do I do if I take it down & no ones there to hold me when I get bombarded with pain again? What do I do if the next person I trust turns away from me? I'm not as strong without my wall......... Another person telling me to kill myself no one cares, stop being a crybaby, suck it up, GOD could you be any fatter..... Without my wall, those words will destroy me.... Having the next guy I love turn away from me in disgust will KILL ME without my wall. If I stay behind the wall, it hurts but I didn't let them see all of me. You can't destroy what I don't trust you with.......... I'm afraid. ~

deleted deleted
3 Responses Mar 19, 2009

wow, you are my twin sister!! i find that at this point i don't even WANT to get rid of my wall. it has taken sooo long, i have isolated so i have no more friends, i can stay in bed and watch tv ev day because i have severe bum kidneys and pancreas. a few yrs ago i labelled myself, i said, "i am an anorexic, frigid, *****" and have no desire to EV be in another relationship. i will never be married, something i always wanted. i truly AM physically frigid and i love it, it's like lobotomizing THAT part of myself. and not really anorexic at this time because my pancreas has me sooo sick and in pain that the 25 lbs i DID gain is going. i do feel gypped in the marriage dept, because i AM a nice person. the only people i "socialize with" are people i dont know, the gurl at the pharmacy, nurses at drs office, that type of thing. and they see me as a "social butterfly" loL, how wrong they are. i only joined this place tonight, so we will see if that brings some of the wall down, but it's safe, cuz no one is here in my room judgeing me :) k, gtg, but i am sending you kind thoughts <3 Mia-Bohème

i love the title of your story (: I know all about the walls we build to protect ourselves.....but if the berlin wall can come down, maybe ours can too?

From the time we are young,people and children can say things that hurt.When we get older we realize they have problems and are not happy with them selfves and the pain is so bad in side them the only way they get releif is to lash out and hurt other people.I was at one time sum what like the above story you shared with us.I saw a doctor and from then on,I wanted to open my self and face myself to learn what was distroying my life and why.I learned so much of my fear came from seeing my father hurt my mother.AS the years passed I found out I was afraid of aloud voice and thought that ment hurting a person.All the pain I carried came from seeing things I should have not seen.I would drown my self in every book I could find to help me have a ray of hope.Some times I prayed the same prayer 50 times a day.Being afraid is a horriable.I wish I could reach inside you and pull it out.I know there is hope because I became healed and never gave up!Our love and prayers go out you and our love is right behind the prayers.Much much love and understanding,Trails