Walls Can Only Go So High But A Pit Always Has Deeper To Go.

I didn't build my walls. I dug them. I'm not in a fortress I'm in a hole.

I dug this hole because its safe down here. No-one and nothing can touch me.
I don't even know why but I'm scared to let people near me, I don't want to be hurt or let down so I'm too far away for that to happen.
I have plenty of friends and few close ones but I prefer to help them than let them help me. I don't like talking about me I'd rather help people.
Because I tense up when we start and anger starts spreading and I'm afraid I might hurt the people who are talking to me.
I'm not suicidal and I don't want to die because I don't want to hurt my family or friends with such a selfish and cowardly act.

Pain is easier to deal with if I lock it away. If I use physical pain to blot out emotional. Its just easier to deal with.
I feel like I want to explode.
Give everyone a sign that I'm in pain. Get myself admitted to hospital because of something I've done to myself. Make them see whats going on. I know this is selfish and attention seeking but I can't help feeling like I'm ignored. I despise myself for not being able to deal with stuff like this. Not being able to be normal like everyone else.

I don't like it down here and I want to escape but I don't want to at the same time. I like having a problem, like hiding it because people don't know the real me. I've got a sort of pride almost from it and I don't know why and just hate myself more for it.
A cycle thats destructive I know but I can't and don't want to escape from it.
The pit is easier that real life, because its safe at least.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
Aug 9, 2010