Me 2

I have had bulimarexia since I was about 14 (now 21) though I never knew until recently that such a thing existed; figured I was just strange... (sorry if I've got it wrong btw and I offend anyone who genuinely has this problem; I'm quite happy to take down my story if I've got it wrong so just let me know :) Anyway, I'll share my story and let you decide). I am on a constant battle to lose weight but every so often I lose control and go through periods ranging from a few weeks to a few months of feeling constantly depressed, bingeing at least once a day on ridiculous amounts of food, throwing up and then trying to pretend like everything's normal. Like every night I'll tell myself tomorrow I'm gonna get back on track then usually after a horrible binge where I can't move cuz I feel my stomache's gonna explode or being found out by my boyfriend cuz I've not covered my tracks well enough I find the strength to get back on track again.

The thing that frustrates me the most is other people's attitude towards me. No-one except my boyfriend knows about the purging and in general whether I'm going through a patch of bingeing or when I'm on track I lie about what I eat to everyone including him so he doesn't usually know either but what frustrates me is that no-one is concerned when I feel my most low. When I'm bingeing and off track I feel terrible inside; I can't see a way out and I feel physically weak and completely disgusted with myself and my body. I don't tell anyone about my behaviour but I often feel fat as I'm usually heavier and gaining weight compared to losing weight on track and avoid wearing certain clothes or going swimming and feel negative all the time. The people around me simply tell me I look amazing and they'd love to be as "thin" as me hahahaha, I've no need to feel negative and everything in my life is perfect so I've got nothing to complain about. I don't want to tell them but deep down it really hurts me and it feels like they don't care about me when for me at that moment I feel as though I'm spiraling out of control.

On the other hand, when I get on track, I feel amazing; I love to lose weight, feel far more self confident and the feeling of being in control after periods of feeling so low is amazing. Every night I go to bed happy feeling like I'm floating through life; like life is a fantasy. I weigh myself everyday and feel happy and love being able to reject favourite sweet foods and the feeling of power it gives me to tell others I have eaten and secretly starve. BUT other people are now concerned for me! My mum gets ridiculously upset, as does my dad. My boyfriend tells me I'm too thin and I need professional help before I take it too far! I feel on top of the world and want to make love all the time but yet he is upset when he feels my body. Just after Christmas there I lost a stone and everyone was hounding me; taking me out for lunch and practically forcing fatty food down my throat, making me really unhappy. My friends are equally concerned and tell me I'm too thin and was perfect before, why did I have to change!!! I just want to scream cuz I am happy in myself and its almost as though they don't want me to be happy.

Lately, I feel increasingly isolated from people as I feel they don't understand me; when I feel my happiest it upsets others and when I feel at an all time low it makes them happy. I love my boyfriend, friends and family very much and want to make them happy but I feel as though in order to do that I have to be very sad. I don't blame them for not understanding but at the same time it's really frustrating that in order to feel on top of the world everyone else has to be thinking you're mentally disturbed.

Sorry this is so long; I've never expressed myself in this way this honestly before so it felt good to vent my frustration. I would love to hear if anyone feels the same way or if this annoys you I'm very sorry too! Will remove if asked! Also sorry if I've offended anyone with real problems who've had a hard time; I understand that I really am lucky in life I just can't seem to help feeling this way. Not looking for sympathy or attention and as I said I will remove if anyone asks.

pinksecret pinksecret
22-25, F
Feb 19, 2010