Obsession

Have you ever kept a journal to write your deepest thoughts and feelings in.? Have you ever had a way to release all these bad emotions your feeling? Have you ever had a way to just let everything go for a while?
Well I do... and my way I realize is not the best way, but it works for me. When I eat food it's as if I'm eating all my problems and then when I purge it's like letting them go.
I've been overwhelmed by so many feeling, so many thoughts these past few years that this just seems to be the only way I can deal with them. I know many people out there don't understand and only see what I do as wrong and disgusting, but if they only knew how I feel, how people like me feel, they wouldn't be so quick to judge.
What I do isn't just about body image. It's about control, not being able to deal with my feelings and that fact that deep down I want to disappear, that deep down I secretly just want to die.
I wish I could let those who don't understand this into my mind, so they could understand, but I know this will never be, so the best I can do is find people who understand me and what I'm going through.
I don't want to get "better" I just want to create my own mess. I just want to get lost in something (this). Don't tell me that I'm wrong because I know I am, I know I'm hurting myself. Everyone does things that are wrong and everyone hurts themselves one way or another. Who is anyone to say that one kind of wrong is worse than another. In the end it's still wrong.
MySilentUndoing MySilentUndoing
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 12, 2010

see im not proud of myself but i recently started purging... lots of pent up emotions and undescribable pain. but what i can say is that when i did throw up, i felt better. i know its so bad for me, i know. but like you guys said, we all have something tht makes us feel at peace with our minds. i just have difficulty sometimes...i dont know whether its cause im new to this. but im a dancer and thats PART of the reason ive been purging..b ut you guys seem like the most related to me on this website... could i ask some questionsss in private like over texting?

I made this site only so I could find people like me to talk to, just so I felt less alone, I cannot see talking to someone who doesnt really know what this whole thing is about. I would love to talk to you anytime, i understand It is hard to talk to someone who does not "know" it is easier to talk to someone about this with someone who is gone/going through the same thing

Hey there. You can message me anytime you want.

I am like you in the way that Sometimes I just throw up to make me feel better. When I am feeling like crap I just eat so I can throw up. It is hard for people to understand the relief and high you feel after a purge if they have never done it. <br />
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Of course I also do this so I can loose weight too, it is a two in one.