Over And Over

I started again. I looked at the mirror too long of course right after I had eaten. So I started eating twice a day. Not even full meals. Purge one. Yesterday I kept down a veggie sandwich. Today I didnt even bother eating. The heat helps me not eat. For some reason my stomach just doesnt like to have food in it when I'm hot...I know I shouldn't be happier when I look in the mirror and can start to see my ribs again...but I am. Since my reflection never feels like "me" I think it should look like the person I wish I was. And that person should be thin. Every time my stomach rumbles it hurts, but I feel better each time because I know when I look in the mirror I will be happier. Somewhere inside me I know feeling this way isnt healthy. But the majority just doesnt care because I can stand looking at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds. I don't pick apart absolutely everything about my shape when I get out of the shower. Its nice not to hate myself so much. I know the consequences of purging and not eating and binging and all that...but for a little while something in my life is okay, stable, controlled. Plus when I feel the pain and happiness from starvation I dont cut...Ya, its just trading one unhealthy thing for another...but I just cant seem to stop. The pros just don't outweigh the cons for me...yet. Once i start eatiing again (always do) I'll feel like a failure. I know this. I hate the cycle, but today I feel good. And so I always come back to this. Because its gauranteed at some point I'll feel good like this...
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1 Response Jul 24, 2010

i can relate to how you feel, i am somewhat recovered, as in i have maintained my 5 foot 9 inch fr<x>ame at 132-138 (which is on the lower end of a healthy bmi) lbs for the past 10 years so technically I am 'cured' of my anorexia...but not a day goes by where i don't obsess at least a little (some days a lot!). and every day, even tho i am a size 4 or 6, i look in the mirror and think i am huge! a fat pig...but i don't dare tell anyone cuz technically, i am 'cured'.