The Newbie

So, I started purging about 2 weeks ago. Three weeks ago I decided it was time to get my body together, so I started a water fast to cleanse myself so I could start eating healthy. Well, I told myself I would only do it for seven days, so when those days were up I finally had my first meal. And that is where things got rocky.

I hated the way the food sat in my stomach. I felt like I could literally feel it turning into fat. I remember just saying I want it out of me. And felt a complete and total regret for eating it. Then something clicked. It was weird because I never in my life was the type who would just throw up her food like, I always looked at girls like that like they were just crazy. And next thing I know I am staring at myself in the mirror wiping my mouth off and rinsing the backend of a spare toothbrush.

The feeling after my first purge was not what I expected. I mean, I felt relief. Like that food was gone and it took my guilt along with it. I told myself that it was the first and only time I would do it, and I would just eat lighter and healthier so I wouldn't have to do it anymore.

Fast forward a week, I found myself purging every two days, and only keeping down small portions of fruit and water. The plus side, EVERYONE compliments how I look. 'Keep it up" they say, I can't help but smile. I mean I know it's bad, but I love it. And the to be honest the more compliments I get, the more I purge. I ate two salads yesterday and couldn't keep either one down. But I did learn how much I love the feeling of ranch dressing as it comes back up. It's creamy and almost as smooth as milk,which I chug when I eat something dry so it comes out easier.

Today was my first experience being a binge and purger. I made this amazing salmon and some awesome seasoned rice and had already planned to purge it. So when I looked at my plate of leftover food I stuffed it in my mouth and figured wth, I am going to throw it all up anyway. But had a minor mishap since I felt like not all of it wanted to come back up. It was at that moment that I felt myself almost killing myself with my toothbrush that I realized I have a problem.

Do I plan on stopping anytime soon, nooooo. Would I like support while I struggle with this problem. Yes.
vershelz vershelz
22-25, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

Yeah the good thing is we are def not alone in this. Sometimes I wonder if anyone I know is struggling with the same issue as me. <br />
A month has passed since my first post and I have learned to control it a bit more. I keep my b/p's to a minimum but I still purge more. I started working out so that helps with the guilt of keeping food down. I really thought I would be able to control it, but every now and then I open my fridge and seriously have to FORCE myself not to b/p. It's like an evil voice in my head just says, "go ahead, enjoy eating all that food and throw it up later, it will be as if you never ate it". It sucks so much because as much as it makes me feel like I am in control, it also makes me feel very delicate at the same time and somewhat weak to my addiction. Like @bulimicaddict said, it is totally like a drug addiction, you know that it can hurt you in the long run, but just to get that short lasting high...you do it anyway.

I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this nightmare. I'm in the same boat. I've been bulimic 4 years now. It starts becoming much more than calorie control. Like you said, it completely erases the taunting guilt voices that will not silence without the purge. After the purge..... pure bliss. I never thought I'd still be trapped in this vicious cycle. I believe bulimia is no different than drug addiction. Once you get the high and relief, it becomes more tempting and inviting because it creates a good feeling that cannot be found elsewhere. Ours is just food instead of drugs. I'm not encouraging this disorder, but sympathizing, relating, and understanding your story. I'm not willing or ready to completely give it up either because it's become a way of life for me and I know, that is awful. I do try to stop though. You are still very early in this disorder, try to get some help. I got counseling but was unable to keep going without insurance. It did help me to understand why I was B/P. Most of the time, if we don't get help it only grows bigger. I'm proof of that. Take Care :)

I know how you feel, but please do not glorify it. I've lost so much weight, and people commented, so I did it more. But every day I hate myself more and more for not having the will power or the balls to stop and think,"Hey, you ARE beautiful." I hate myself because of it. My word of advice: stop while you can so you won't have to end up like me.