I Want Help, But...

I want help, but don't feel like I deserve it. I think I'm disgusting and hideous and ugly. I've told people to try to get help but it hasn't helped at all. I told my boyfriend, and he said just get over it. I can't. He always asks me why it's so hard for me to eat. Sometimes I can't even smell food without gagging. I attend a governor's school for writing, I'm pretty good at it. One time I wrote a poem from the "viewpoint"of a girl who puked. The class asked me if I did (we sometimes read to the class) but I said no. No one saw through it. Which leads me to think that I don't look like I have a eating disorder, which means I don't need to stop just yet. But I know it's wrong. My mother found something in my room one day that said I puked. I don't know what through. I came home from school and she wouldn't talk to me and she acted like a *****. Later that night, around 10, I was in bed with the light off and she walked in and said that it's not funny to joke like that. and that I need to get over myself because some people are "just fat". The next day was my birthday and she made me a cake. I went to eat a piece and she said,"Don't eat that, you'll just be wasting my cake." I didn't eat and I went to the bathroom and puked. I didn't eat all day. And my weight doesn't help. I'm 162 lbs. I 'm so so so so so fat. I admit I lost over 30, but it's not good enough. I want to keep going down, I love watching the numbers drop, but not this way. But there is no other. It's summer. I can't wear a bathing suit. I haven't since 2 or 3 yrs ago. I get in the water with t-shirt and jeans on, shorts if I feel up to it. I want to stop, but I can't.
SomeoneAnywhere SomeoneAnywhere
13-15, F
1 Response May 25, 2012

everyone deserves help but you need to admit it first! you need to tell your mum and your boyfriend that they won't understand but it's very important to you and very tough, so they should accept that if anything. The later you leave it to come out of denial the worse.