Youll Never Understand.

I'm Maranda, i'm 17, and im bulimic. But, i'm not ready to recover. I don't think i'll ever be ready to recover. I've been bulimic since the age of 15. It first started by just the taste of certain foods. I would put them in my mouth, and it just suddenly triggered something to make me want to purge. Then, i just hated the way I look.
My worse enemy would be the mirror and the scale. Every morning I wake up, head for the bathroom, and just stare into the mirror. I just cry because i absolutely hate what i see. From my face, to my stomach, all the way to my thighs. Then the scale just disturbs me.
I make myself purge because I could never fully starve myself. Tricking my body to making me think i'm full is what always works for me. Sometimes i'll eat a cracker or two, but most of the time i don't eat. Just drink. My self image destroys me .But worse, the words people say to me. When I try to wear something nice. A dress, or skirt, or shorts, someone feels the need to tell me how horrible I look in it. "You would look so much better in it if you weren't that big." So, thats when i began to suffer.
I feel ashamed that i have to take it to this level, but its what has to happen. Society is what caused me to do this to myself. I never in a million years thought i would be that girl who would be bulimic. I know, I need help, but I'm not ready. I cant recover. I'll go back to that fat girl. "No one loves a chubby girl". "You would be cute if you were skinnier". " I dont date chubs." Ill be that girl if i stop. I cant be that girl.
I know, this isnt healthy for me. Trust me, I get told daily. But, I cant be that girl anymore. My weight, is an issue. I'm a 17 year old girl who's weight is only double digits. No one understand the pain i go through. No one understand how hard it is to grow up in the town i do. Full of beautiful girls. Beautiful skinny girls. I cant give up. I won't.
realwithmeex realwithmeex
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 9, 2012

Understandable.

This world is just an image - thin, thinner and thinnest.

It takes a while to move away from this way of thinking, it's almost a way of life. The voices will always be there to tell you what you NEED or HAVE to be, but just keep your head up. I know it's hard, but keep your head up.