Am I Really???!!!! Trapped!!!

Im afraid to accept that i have bulimia...I'm afraid to accept im sick..
So much weight is on my shoulders. I have to basically decide my future in less than a week, this week. Im so afraid i may make the wrong decision about future that i feel so trapped inside me. My family wishes for me to go away to college. My boyfriend wishes for me to come live with him where he is. I feel im trapped in between. If i choose one, I may loose the other. If i go away to college i fear my boyfriend and I wont last. I know we wont last. This has happened before, my loosing a relationship to distance, i cant bear it happening again. It tore me apart. Before my current boyfriend, there was another. I loved him very much but when he went away to college and left me behind, i never saw that same  person again. When he came back to me even on his breaks from school he was different. My feelings didnt matter. I was drug in the mug more times than i can count. He wanted sex and i didnt. HE wanted things i wasnt able and willing to give...and i lost him..Im afraid that will happen again..but this time im leaving. I see that happening to my current relationship and that scares me. Brings me to tears. If i dont go away to college and live with him, I feel i will be loosing a chance of lifetime. Experience the dorm life, meet new people, make friends, get away from my home, and most importantly gain my own independence, that will all be lost if i dont go. I feel im pulled in both directions. My boyfriend will understand if i chose to go away and will try and make it work. But from experience how can i listen when i know from what has happened to me that that will not work. My family dislikes my boyfriend. They hate how he treats me, know what he and i have been thru, and feel that if i dont go away to college i will be making a big mistake. My mother, who supported my living with him, has now changed her mind. I relay on her support. How can i decide something as huge as this when i know i will be going it alone. I want to go away to college bt i truely feel that i am "sick." I dont want to really accept that i have a problem, that i may truely have...bulimia. If I go away to college will i last with this? Will I be as successful as i want to be. I cant think and concentrate on not throwing up. I cant even eat anymore without gaging at the thought of swallowing or eating til im full. This drama that is going on in my life is causing me to want to purge and at leastfix something even if it is jus my body.
 
AND...it doesnt help that i jus recently got mirena. Recently being today and i didnt kno i had to eat in order to get it. They said I would risk passing out if i hadnt eaten...so i did. I felt aweful. I still do. they gave me this granola bar and juice. they made me eat the whole thing. And then..they weighed me!!! i wanted to scream!!!! Of course i knew how much i weighed before they weighed me. im not fine with it bt i lost weight and thats all that matters. BUT when they weighed me, i weighed 5 lbs over what i knew my weight was. I freaked bt didnt let it show. They weighed me with my clothes on. It matter believe me..When i was told to undress and they gave me my privacy, i weighed myself again. luckily it was clothes lol..After i got the mirena i felt fine. i didnt passout. Im feeling slightly light headed right now both because if this stress im feeling about my future and because i fear i may have to eat more often than i do just to feel normal. Its giving me a headache. I cant do this!! What will happen if i went back to my normal eating ruitine before mirena how much it would affect me.

I am really stressed out about everything. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like flipping a quarter and just going with it,bt i knw thats not the best thing. i cant figure it out and i can see that my time is runnning out. I cant keep up. Its making me want and think about purging. I dont know what else to do. Everyones oppinion is biased. If only there were two of me...
vegasshorts2010 vegasshorts2010
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2010

I've been through a similar situation and I must say, go to college. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be together, you can make it work. It will be tough, but long distance, especially when using skype, etc is manageable.<br />
That being said, if you "know" that it won't work between you and your bf, then perhaps he isn't "the one." He shouldn't ask you to sacrifice your future (b/c honestly, that's what college really is) for him. Moving in with your boyfriend and giving up school is something you will regret, believe me, and at a later date, you may end up resenting him for it. Plus, if you do break up, there's always the possibility of meeting years from now, after college, and rekindling your love.<br />
Go to school and grow as a person. Those 4 years will be the best of your life. Stay strong and stay healthy.

I've been through a similar situation and I must say, go to college. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be together, you can make it work. It will be tough, but long distance, especially when using skype, etc is manageable.<br />
That being said, if you "know" that it won't work between you and your bf, then perhaps he isn't "the one." He shouldn't ask you to sacrifice your future (b/c honestly, that's what college really is) for him. Moving in with your boyfriend and giving up school is something you will regret, believe me, and at a later date, you may end up resenting him for it. Plus, if you do break up, there's always the possibility of meeting years from now, after college, and rekindling your love.<br />
Go to school and grow as a person. Those 4 years will be the best of your life. Stay strong and stay healthy.