Getting To The Bottom Of It

I have to start writing about this or it's seriously going to kill me. I can't tell anyone, but I can tell myself. I have to. I have to stop ignoring it and taking it in stride and pretending it will be okay. It's not ******* okay. This is actually quite ****** up.

It all starts with a terrible self-esteem problem. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I look attractive, but later I make up for it by leveling with myself and accentuating all my flaws in my mind. My hair is in that awkward and ugly in-between-lengths stage. I still ******* have acne going on 21. And worst of all... my weight.

I'm going to talk about my weight problem. I'm not terribly fat. But I weigh more than I should. More than I would weigh if I ate a steady, normal diet with regular exercise. The problem is, I preach and proclaim the benefits of healthy living. I act like I eat only clean food... and I would say that overall, I do eat really clean and raw and healthy. But fuuuuck, man. I cancel it all out with what I eat during binges.

I don't even know what triggers it anymore. Sometimes it's reading about other girls with EDs, sometimes I feel deprived, and other times I just want something to do. It starts out small... I'll have an extra bowl of cereal at night or a little piece of chocolate. Then, before I know it, I've consumed well over 4000 calories, I swear.

It's disgusting. It hurts. More than anything, it hurts. In my body, in my mind. My psyche cannot take this anymore. The way I feel about myself after a binge... I honestly just want to die. I take a look at my legs, the cellulite that has accumulated that wasn't there a year ago. I am falling apart and I don't know what to do.

And then I resolve to do better tomorrow. "I have three weeks... three weeks to get skinny. I'll just eat mostly vegetables and fruits until then." Yeah, that usually lasts about two days. A few more if my willpower is particularly high that week. I say "week" because this bullshit is starting to occur weekly. The bingeing and bargaining.

I have to ******* stop this ****. No more bargaining. No more WASTING GOOD FOOD. It hurts too much to keep doing this to myself. What the **** is the point of a binge? I KNOW what it does to me, so why the **** do I keep doing it?

Why do I hate myself?

I wanted to end it at that, to make this more poetic. But I can't because I know I'll look back on this someday. I really need hope and I need to believe that I am going to change. I will. I have to love myself.
Young89 Young89
18-21
2 Responses Jul 29, 2010

i absolutely can relate to this. i go through stages when i m making such good progress but at the moment i will be heading on a downhill slope i know it. <br />
<br />
i wish i could help you but i have so much trouble trying to deal with it myself that i cant give you tips or anything because when something starts to work with me sooner or later it will fail and i'll be taking a few steps backwards again.

i absolutely can relate to this. i go through stages when i m making such good progress but at the moment i will be heading on a downhill slope i know it. <br />
<br />
i wish i could help you but i have so much trouble trying to deal with it myself that i cant give you tips or anything because when something starts to work with me sooner or later it will fail and i'll be taking a few steps backwards again.