8 Really Long Years...

I have been bulimic since I was 14. I'm 22 now. It has come and gone during the years, but I don't believe I've ever gone more than a month without b/ping, and when I am doing it, it's several times a day for weeks, or months. I don't know how I would cope without bulimia... I almost enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I hate stuffing myself to the point of discomfort, and I hate purging, it's not fun. But it's the only thing I have to keep my mind focused. It's always when I'm depressed or stressed because that always translates into feeling of guilt for me and if I think about the bad things in my life, and the bad things I've done, or said, or thought about doing, or even something I've done that isn't bad but I feel is bad or am embarrassed by it... oh it's so complicated, and all I want to do is put it out of my mind, and so I think about food... Sometimes I'll focus on a particular kind of food, like Mexican food, or breakfast food, and sometimes its just any and all food. I'll spend hours thinking about it, so that I don't have to think about anything else. Eventually I'll go to whatever restaurant has the food I want, or a buffet if I can't decide. It gets really expensive but I never think about that until after, it's just irrelevant...

Most of the time I walk in telling myself I'm only going to have a small meal, but I know I'm lying to myself, and I eat, and eat, and I just don't stop until I can't chew anymore, then I'll suck down soda, leave, have a cigarette, find a gas station (or hell, even a wooded area.) and purge until I dry heave. I tell myself it's ok if I don't, that I could go home and not purge, but I have to... it's not really even about getting fat. I mean, I don't want to get fat, of course... but it's just so relieving to get rid of it all, it's like all the bad things I was blocking out by thinking about food are being purged too... And then I feel better, until the next day, when I feel guilty about having spent so much money on binging the night before... vicious cycle. Ugh. People used to know, they used to try to help me... They all think I've gotten better, and I've gotten too good at hiding it. The only person who knows I do it on occasion is my husband, but he just makes fun of me for it, or yells at me for spending so much money... I know it's starting to take a toll on my health... but I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do that...
princess768 princess768
22-25, F
Aug 2, 2010