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Will It Ever End?

I have been bulimic for almost 8 years now and I wonder if it will ever end.  It began in 2003.  I went from 180 to 95 lbs in less than a year.  I almost died from tearing my esophagus, did damage to my heart, am now unable to have children, have done damage to my insides from laxative abuse, have been hospitalized several times and yet almost 8 years later here I am.  I was on a medication that caused me to gain weight and it sent me into a frenzy.  Everyday is a challenge and I hate myself.  My family knows about it but none of my friends do.  I am afraid to tell anyone because I have already lost so many friends because of it so I have NO ONE to talk to who understands what I am going through.  I can look at myself in the mirror and start to cry.  I cannot be intimate with my fiance because I am so ashamed of the way I look.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have also started starving myself and then will only eat when I can't take the pain in my stomach anymore but then once I eat I am in the bathroom.  This is not the way I want to live but the disease has such a strong hold over me that I cannot break free.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Will things ever get better?
whataqtiam75 whataqtiam75 31-35 Aug 16, 2010

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