Bulimia - A Lonely Existence...

I started becoming obsessed with my weight when I got back to school after the summer at the age of 15. I had been to America to visit a friend and without realising had shot up two dress sizes (UK12 to 16). I lost most of the weight within about 6 months - but realised that I wasn't satisfied with it. I wanted to lose more. I began purging at 18, during the summer after my first year of university. It started of slowly but within another 6 months I was purging anything that I ate. I would go through stages where I was so fed up with purging, that I would instead just not eat anything for days - only the occasional piece of chocolate or cheese to stop myself from feeling to feint. This has pretty much been my life since and I am now 21 and I really need to do something about it. I am not fat, but neither am I stick thin. I still want to lose a few kilos, but not like this. I find that having an eating disorder (especially bulimia as it is easy to hide from people) is incredibly lonely. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a family that love me - but no one knows about my bulimia. They have no idea how depressed I get in my own company. To them I am confident and outgoing. I hate living with this secret, and I want to get better so I can get on and live my life.
harper21 harper21
22-25, F
5 Responses Oct 4, 2010

There is hope . I was bullimic from age 13 to age 32. I had three sons and decided that this was not the kind of mother I wanted to be. Slowly, without therapy I began to wean myself from the osession and compulsion. Surprisingly I did not gain a lot of weight. Only once did I put on 30 lbs. Then I worked at losing it. I maintained this "normal" state until age 61. After belonging to a 12 step food program for five yearswhich helped me learn about a nutritious food plan I maintained a weight of 112 at 5'2". Suddenly, at age 62, I was prescribed Seroquel. I started having sugar cravings and one day ripped open a bag of M and Ms and started the vicious cycle all over again. I lost a lot of weight, down to 93 lbs. My son discovered my secret and confronted me about it. I have tried to stop several times, with only minimal success.. I have been struggling for over 2 years. I believe I will have a stroke if I don't stop this insane behavior. I lost all my upper teeth at 22 and have little gum line left. I am sad about this disorder for myself and the thousands and maybe millions of others who have suffered from its claws. Best of luck to all of you who read these postings. let us all pray for deliverance.

It's hard to tell people....they don't always understand. My parents think it's as easy as snapping out of it. I've had so many arguments with my dad with him telling me to "just stop it". I wish it was as simple as that, I really do. It's hard because unlike a drug addiction or smoking, we need food to live. We need nourishment. It's not as if we can do without. It is such a suffocating disorder, really complicated and hard for others to grasp.<br />
That's what we are for honey.....if ever you need a bit of hope or a friendly chat just log on and write away. I know how it feels to be ashamed and disgusted with myself, I sometimes feel like there are two sides of me...the rational, sensible me and the out of control greedy side.<br />
Sending cuddles<br />

i definitely understand what you mean about feeling lonely. and it doesnt matter how man friends you have or how wonderful your family is, you still feel alone. you feel like a liar. you are living two lives and one of them you are too ashamed to ever speak about. its not easy to beat but sometimes i think its harder to live with it. all i know is that if you want to live a life free of this, the best thing you can do is tell someone so that they can support you. i know how hard and terrifying it is even thinking about telling someone but it was definitely the best thing i ever did. the best thing is simply knowing that you arent the only one keeping this secret, that someone else is there for you to help you carry it and slowly recover from it. <br />
hope all goes well and that you can one day be free from this terrible, controlling disorder. <br />

Thank you so much for commenting. It is such a good feeling to hear from someone who understands what it is like to live a life with bulimia. I am so happy to find people who I can actually relate to and who aren't going to judge me for it. Thanks for the support and I really do hope that I can find my way out of this world somehow :) xxx

Aww honey your story is so much like mine - my bulimia started the summer before University started. It is a lonely existence and I am thankful that I can relate to people on here. My eating is getting out of control lately and seems to escalate along with stress. I get stressed because of poor finances (an ex left me in terrible debt) and because of that I eat, and end up spending a small fortune on food rather than paying off extra interest where it could be more useful.<br />
You are lonely no more honey, I hope that you can get better and not let it carry on for years as it has done for me. It has been 8 years now and I am showing no sign of stopping. I'm just getting better at hiding it.<br />