I know this is killing me.

I know i am dying all day every time. For ten years i have purged for one to 20 times a day. I cannot stand to even feel just the slightest bit full, just obsess about when i can get rid of it. On the other hand I love so much to eat! I am a chef and a wife and this has seriously affected my work and marriage. This started when i was 17 and now at 27 i feel tired of being a slave to cravings and obsession. My skin is dry and red and i always want to drink to cover up hunger and pain, then sometimes it leads to me eating after he goes to bed. He works so hard and I feel like **** for wasting the money the food he provides for us. Like I am a liar and a useles person. So all this has led to a alcoholic bulimic. I have people that I blame, but its my own fault for letting it go on so long. I hate lying to my husband, wasting money when we go out to eat, and just feeling out of control and ashamed all of the time. It gets to the point where i wonder how did i get here?!?