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I Have Bulimia

Dying To Be Thin

By: Aryl12
Written on July 12th, 2011
Hi my name is trish and im not really sure when my bulimia started im 18 years old now and i guess it happened sometime around 14 years old. At first i was anorexic i would godays without even a single calorie or water i couldnt even et out of bed i was dying but i idnt care. I wanted to be popular at school i did everything i thought i could do to be happy only it never worked. I lost 60 pounds in two months and all my friends were so amazed i loved the attention but still i was fat and i couldnt even look in the mirror anymore. I stoped starving myself my desire for food and the comfort it gave me was stronger than ever. Soon enough i gained all the weight back and i moved away from home and started starving myself again but that didnt last for long. Bulimia became my new best friend i had thrown up before but never had i binged before. I thought it was okay at first but who doesnt. Mia became my life my baby my only worry in the world. I would purge 4 times a day thousands of calories I cant express how great it made me feel, but the shame i felt and the throwing up was so painful. She was there for me when no one else was. Even though 4 years later im so far gone i feel as if mia protected me but in the end i know its mia that i needed protection from. People saw me as pretty and smartbut i couldnt tell youhow much i know those are lies. To me ths mirror doesnt lie. All i want is to be happy and for this hurt to go away. Alot of hurtful things happened in my childhood made myself grow up way to fast, but what i would give to be a kid again when nothing mattered. I know i can be strong but i dont know if im willing to fight anyways who is the fight against....myself?
By: Aryl12
Age: 16-17 , Female
502 people have read this story

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2 responses
  • purgingpichouette
    purgingpichouette

    Sometimes I think this whole Ana/Mia thing in the Internet eating disorder neighborhood is a really bad thing. The idea of this little guardian angel on your shoulder, your little anorexic or bulimic friend, there to punish you if you abandon "her"... personally I find it really unhealthy. Over the course of my eating disorder I had a brief stint in which I imagined my eating disorder as Ana/Mia... and honestly, it made it worse. It felt like I was justifying it, like I really was going to be punished if I didn't keep up.



    So my advice? Stop referring to your bulimia nervosa as Mia. "Mia" isn't your best friend. It isn't a "she" who is there for you. Bulimia is a disease. It's like cancer, or lupus, or diabetes. You are not fighting yourself. You are fighting the disease that you have. And fight hard, sweetie.



    Good luck. I hope you are ultimately successful in your fight against bulimia. It's a long hard mountain to climb. Or so I've heard; I'll let you know when I get to the top.

    Jul 18, 2011
    1 like
  • verriere815
    verriere815

    It is, a fight against yourself. And that's why its so hard. Its like trying to deny something that has become a part of you, something that almost starts to define you. And how can you just turn away from who you've become. I think that acknowledging your hopelessness here is a good start. You realize where you stand and you don't like it. Channel that energy into finding a way to be healthy again.

    Jul 15, 2011
    1 like