I Have Bulimia
Do you know what the first thing I remember about my 28th birthday is? I s*** my pants. Way to welcome in the 28th year. I was walking to work and just couldn’t get there fast enough. This was the second of three times this would happen to me over the course of the year. Though I suppose having taken sixty five stool softeners and ten laxatives the night before played a role in it, but I had to, right? Everyone wants to look thin on their birthday and Jon was taking me to dinner, plus I had a piece of chocolate cake the night before.
I look back on that day and see how far I have come. Granted I’ve put on 35lbs possibly more, I wouldn’t know I’ve given my scale away, but it will come off healthily and permanently. I can’t say the desire to be thin has gone away, but I can say my “Life without Ed” is truly fab.
I’ve been heavier since I was a little girl. Maybe eight years old. I remember at five walking around singing about myself in full confidence “I’m the prettiest girl on campus,” somewhere along the way that confidence turned to shame. I think the comments from my family started to come when I was around nine. In all honesty, I maybe just had a little baby fat, but by 10 I was already doing Richard Simmons Deal a Meal which evolved into a strictly liquid diet during the daytime for me, only having dinner with parents over the course of four months. By twelve I had decided to become a vegetarian faking a strong anticruelty bravado to cover up an insecure little girl trying to do whatever she could to lose weight..
I remember comments from Grandma, My Grandpa, and my aunts about my weight. I felt like I was a disappointment and embarrassment to my parents and that maybe they would love me as much as my brother and sister if I could lose some weight and people would stop commenting to them about it. In retrospect I think perhaps these were some of the first voices of eating disorder or ED that I heard.
The years that followed contained periods of starvation and binging to make up for emotions associated with moving far from my friends and being an awkward little girl with a deep Pennsylvania accent thrust to the eighth grade of a school with kids who acted very cruel. In high school, I did make a good friend, her name was Tabatha. Tabatha however was possibly the most self conscious person I have ever met. She is tall and very thin but refused to wear sleeveless shirts because she thought her arms were fat. She gave looks for outfits she didn’t like, and while being a true friend, fed into my insecurities.
At fifteen I purged for the first time. I had eaten a box of candy after a particularly rough day at school. I remember sticking my fingers down my throat, the pain in the upheaval, and the relief once my body was rid of the poison I had just fed it. I began purging daily. I received so many compliments as my body shrunk in front everyone. My friends and I would go to Friendlies for Sundaes a couple times a week. I would get a house salad, with honey mustard dressing while they would have Peanutbutter cup sundaes. I would always purge my salad. Things cooled down in the summer and I returned to normal eating habits, and gained back most of what I lost.
I went to college and Ed came with me. I kept a running tally of days I went without eating. And after I had starved as much as I could I would binge and purge. I would go through periods of wellness and gain back more than what I had lost. This continued for many years.
…
In 2008 I graduated law school in perhaps the worst market possible. The stress of not having a job weighed heavily on me. I felt like I was taking and taking from my parents without giving them anything to be proud of. By January of 2009 I was still not employed and tipping the scales at one the highest weights I had ever weighed. Something had to be done. Through a low carb lifestyle I was able to drop fifty pounds. I eventually got work . My ego was boosted as I was promoted to a managment position of 50 attorney in my job. The project ended in September, and I grew careless of what was eating. By December I had gained back 35lbs. I attempted to lose this weight through a low carb program as well. Low carb I always suspected worked for me because it allowed me to be extreme - I’ve always been good at extreme. We had a reunion schedule for the project from the summer before scheduled for the end of January. I was 20lbs from where I was on the project and began an extreme diet for the week preceding the reunion. I ate 5 times a day a 200 calorie portion of something that had 80% of its calories from fat and very low carb. I was able to lose 12lbs in a week, but after that week Ed had come back into my life. I began eating only a salad at lunch time every day… By March I began binging and purging a couple times a week and taking laxatives in the amount of 10 a day. Weight began to fall off., but somewhere in the middle I let go I gave Ed control and it took me the fight of my life to get it back.
I remember the first time ED scared me. It was a hot day and I insisted on running up the stairs at the movies probably about 3 flights while my friend took the escalator. I got to the top and saw gray. I needed food and I knew it. I was seconds away from passing out and I was terrified. But even then I couldn’t shake Ed. My efforts to leave him started then but were largely ineffective. In fact it caused me to revisit compulsive exercise. I was running up to ten miles a day when in August I got a stress fracture in my foot, and later in month pulled my quad. Ed was becoming pretty abusive.
By September I was binging and purging multiple times a day, leaving work to go to Panda express, and knowing every public restroom in the vicinity of my work place. Binging and purging had turned into my solace. It was the cure to stress, my best friend I could tell all insecurities too and the secret to my success. Everyone could not believe how great I looked, even me. I had lost over 100lbs. The attention was ridiculous. I was getting more male attention than I ever had, being asked on dates on a weekly basis. Though I was in a pretty great relationship with a great guy at the time. And I was happy outwardly anyhow, I don’t think I even realized how much of a slave I was. My laxative use ha0d escalated to 30-70 stool softeners and 8 laxatives a day. This continued for a number of months.
At Christmas I binged and purged and binged and purged. Both my grandmas told me I needed to watch myself or I’d gain back the weight I had lost. After a second comment from my mom’s mom I broke down and locked myself in the bathroom and cried. The pressure was so much. All anyone wanted to talk about was my weight and how great I looked and how proud they were of me or how I shouldn’t be eating something. I wanted to be seen for more than that. The attention I once found so flattering was no longer all it was cracked up to be. I felt my family was more proud of me for losing weight than for graduating law school, the congratulations’ said it all and confirmed everything ED had been telling me.
By February I was close to something very serious. I was taking 70 laxatives a day the binging and purging up to 5 times a day. I only had the energy to move around for five hours the rest of the time was spent on my couch. I still saw myself as fat. My friend Jenny saw right through any false bravado I offered up. She saw the marks on my knuckles and how I ran to the bathroom after my meals. She repeatedly supported me and encouraged me to tell my parents and so one night gripping my rosary and asking God for strength I did just that. My parents, possibly the most efficient people on the planet hopped into action. I met with a counselor at Insights in the beginning of February. I told her my story openly assuming she certainly had heard worse, afterall I was still not skinny, I surely was fine. Meghan began to cry midway through my story, she was truly worried about me. I just didn’t see why. Things got worse between that appointment and my first appointment with the doctor. I figured things were going to be taken care of so might as well give it all up to ED in the meanwhile. This was a huge mistake. At this point I couldn’t have told you the last day I didn’t purge or even the last day I didn’t purge three times. I was a mess.
In an interesting twist of fate I adopted a kitten in the first week of March. By the third day she was really sick, having gone just three hours without food or water she was visibly neurologically effected and almost died,. She would have died had I not taken her to emergency room. This was a very bizarre, very in your face illustration to me of what I was doing to myself. I became committed to treatment. And for the first time in a number of months I went one day without purging.
Recovery was not rainbows and butterflies since then don’t get me wrong. I was forced to deal with deepseated feeling of insecurity and unworthiness. Pains that haunted my subconscious for years. I remember being so angry myself when for the first time in months I wasn’t dizzy. I was surely letting go to waste everything I had worked for or so ED told me. Initially I would go three days without purging. I would try so hard, but as I watched the numbers on the scale increase and it would affect me. I remember the day I stopped purging for good. I had a cup of soup for lunch. I thought I was fine until I looked up the calorie content online. Upon seeing that my little cup of soup had more than 500 calories I decided a binge and purge was in order and I went to grab some more food. On my way to the pizza shop I stopped dead in my tracks. I recently to learn to separate ED’s thought from my own and I realized I was acting solely on ED’s thoughts. I stopped in my tracks and said out loud in the streets “F*** YOU ED.” I turned around and I went to Starbucks, grabbed a cupcake for an extra f*** you to my dear, dear friend ED.
Quitting laxatives was a bit harder, interestingly enough. These terrible things which woke me many nights sometimes to throw up my overdose amount and sometimes to reap the “benefits” of taking 70 stool softeners took me a few weeks longer to shake, but I did and I have.
I’m happier now, that’s for sure, I’m full of life and able to go places and see my friends. Everytime I broke up with a boy I got a new bedspread,. Welp, after breaking up with ED I went out and bought a new bed redid my apartment and it basically looks like a whole new place. And why shouldn’t I have this is probably the most significant breakup of my life. I’m focusing on living a healthy lifestyle and not taking any moments for granted. I wasted so much life on my couch and in my bathroom. I’m not doing that anymore. I made a new rule for 2011:No Saying No to Myself. This means if I'm remotely interested in something, I make sure I do it. I've got to tell you putting myself first is probably the best thing I've ever done.
I look back on that day and see how far I have come. Granted I’ve put on 35lbs possibly more, I wouldn’t know I’ve given my scale away, but it will come off healthily and permanently. I can’t say the desire to be thin has gone away, but I can say my “Life without Ed” is truly fab.
I’ve been heavier since I was a little girl. Maybe eight years old. I remember at five walking around singing about myself in full confidence “I’m the prettiest girl on campus,” somewhere along the way that confidence turned to shame. I think the comments from my family started to come when I was around nine. In all honesty, I maybe just had a little baby fat, but by 10 I was already doing Richard Simmons Deal a Meal which evolved into a strictly liquid diet during the daytime for me, only having dinner with parents over the course of four months. By twelve I had decided to become a vegetarian faking a strong anticruelty bravado to cover up an insecure little girl trying to do whatever she could to lose weight..
I remember comments from Grandma, My Grandpa, and my aunts about my weight. I felt like I was a disappointment and embarrassment to my parents and that maybe they would love me as much as my brother and sister if I could lose some weight and people would stop commenting to them about it. In retrospect I think perhaps these were some of the first voices of eating disorder or ED that I heard.
The years that followed contained periods of starvation and binging to make up for emotions associated with moving far from my friends and being an awkward little girl with a deep Pennsylvania accent thrust to the eighth grade of a school with kids who acted very cruel. In high school, I did make a good friend, her name was Tabatha. Tabatha however was possibly the most self conscious person I have ever met. She is tall and very thin but refused to wear sleeveless shirts because she thought her arms were fat. She gave looks for outfits she didn’t like, and while being a true friend, fed into my insecurities.
At fifteen I purged for the first time. I had eaten a box of candy after a particularly rough day at school. I remember sticking my fingers down my throat, the pain in the upheaval, and the relief once my body was rid of the poison I had just fed it. I began purging daily. I received so many compliments as my body shrunk in front everyone. My friends and I would go to Friendlies for Sundaes a couple times a week. I would get a house salad, with honey mustard dressing while they would have Peanutbutter cup sundaes. I would always purge my salad. Things cooled down in the summer and I returned to normal eating habits, and gained back most of what I lost.
I went to college and Ed came with me. I kept a running tally of days I went without eating. And after I had starved as much as I could I would binge and purge. I would go through periods of wellness and gain back more than what I had lost. This continued for many years.
…
In 2008 I graduated law school in perhaps the worst market possible. The stress of not having a job weighed heavily on me. I felt like I was taking and taking from my parents without giving them anything to be proud of. By January of 2009 I was still not employed and tipping the scales at one the highest weights I had ever weighed. Something had to be done. Through a low carb lifestyle I was able to drop fifty pounds. I eventually got work . My ego was boosted as I was promoted to a managment position of 50 attorney in my job. The project ended in September, and I grew careless of what was eating. By December I had gained back 35lbs. I attempted to lose this weight through a low carb program as well. Low carb I always suspected worked for me because it allowed me to be extreme - I’ve always been good at extreme. We had a reunion schedule for the project from the summer before scheduled for the end of January. I was 20lbs from where I was on the project and began an extreme diet for the week preceding the reunion. I ate 5 times a day a 200 calorie portion of something that had 80% of its calories from fat and very low carb. I was able to lose 12lbs in a week, but after that week Ed had come back into my life. I began eating only a salad at lunch time every day… By March I began binging and purging a couple times a week and taking laxatives in the amount of 10 a day. Weight began to fall off., but somewhere in the middle I let go I gave Ed control and it took me the fight of my life to get it back.
I remember the first time ED scared me. It was a hot day and I insisted on running up the stairs at the movies probably about 3 flights while my friend took the escalator. I got to the top and saw gray. I needed food and I knew it. I was seconds away from passing out and I was terrified. But even then I couldn’t shake Ed. My efforts to leave him started then but were largely ineffective. In fact it caused me to revisit compulsive exercise. I was running up to ten miles a day when in August I got a stress fracture in my foot, and later in month pulled my quad. Ed was becoming pretty abusive.
By September I was binging and purging multiple times a day, leaving work to go to Panda express, and knowing every public restroom in the vicinity of my work place. Binging and purging had turned into my solace. It was the cure to stress, my best friend I could tell all insecurities too and the secret to my success. Everyone could not believe how great I looked, even me. I had lost over 100lbs. The attention was ridiculous. I was getting more male attention than I ever had, being asked on dates on a weekly basis. Though I was in a pretty great relationship with a great guy at the time. And I was happy outwardly anyhow, I don’t think I even realized how much of a slave I was. My laxative use ha0d escalated to 30-70 stool softeners and 8 laxatives a day. This continued for a number of months.
At Christmas I binged and purged and binged and purged. Both my grandmas told me I needed to watch myself or I’d gain back the weight I had lost. After a second comment from my mom’s mom I broke down and locked myself in the bathroom and cried. The pressure was so much. All anyone wanted to talk about was my weight and how great I looked and how proud they were of me or how I shouldn’t be eating something. I wanted to be seen for more than that. The attention I once found so flattering was no longer all it was cracked up to be. I felt my family was more proud of me for losing weight than for graduating law school, the congratulations’ said it all and confirmed everything ED had been telling me.
By February I was close to something very serious. I was taking 70 laxatives a day the binging and purging up to 5 times a day. I only had the energy to move around for five hours the rest of the time was spent on my couch. I still saw myself as fat. My friend Jenny saw right through any false bravado I offered up. She saw the marks on my knuckles and how I ran to the bathroom after my meals. She repeatedly supported me and encouraged me to tell my parents and so one night gripping my rosary and asking God for strength I did just that. My parents, possibly the most efficient people on the planet hopped into action. I met with a counselor at Insights in the beginning of February. I told her my story openly assuming she certainly had heard worse, afterall I was still not skinny, I surely was fine. Meghan began to cry midway through my story, she was truly worried about me. I just didn’t see why. Things got worse between that appointment and my first appointment with the doctor. I figured things were going to be taken care of so might as well give it all up to ED in the meanwhile. This was a huge mistake. At this point I couldn’t have told you the last day I didn’t purge or even the last day I didn’t purge three times. I was a mess.
In an interesting twist of fate I adopted a kitten in the first week of March. By the third day she was really sick, having gone just three hours without food or water she was visibly neurologically effected and almost died,. She would have died had I not taken her to emergency room. This was a very bizarre, very in your face illustration to me of what I was doing to myself. I became committed to treatment. And for the first time in a number of months I went one day without purging.
Recovery was not rainbows and butterflies since then don’t get me wrong. I was forced to deal with deepseated feeling of insecurity and unworthiness. Pains that haunted my subconscious for years. I remember being so angry myself when for the first time in months I wasn’t dizzy. I was surely letting go to waste everything I had worked for or so ED told me. Initially I would go three days without purging. I would try so hard, but as I watched the numbers on the scale increase and it would affect me. I remember the day I stopped purging for good. I had a cup of soup for lunch. I thought I was fine until I looked up the calorie content online. Upon seeing that my little cup of soup had more than 500 calories I decided a binge and purge was in order and I went to grab some more food. On my way to the pizza shop I stopped dead in my tracks. I recently to learn to separate ED’s thought from my own and I realized I was acting solely on ED’s thoughts. I stopped in my tracks and said out loud in the streets “F*** YOU ED.” I turned around and I went to Starbucks, grabbed a cupcake for an extra f*** you to my dear, dear friend ED.
Quitting laxatives was a bit harder, interestingly enough. These terrible things which woke me many nights sometimes to throw up my overdose amount and sometimes to reap the “benefits” of taking 70 stool softeners took me a few weeks longer to shake, but I did and I have.
I’m happier now, that’s for sure, I’m full of life and able to go places and see my friends. Everytime I broke up with a boy I got a new bedspread,. Welp, after breaking up with ED I went out and bought a new bed redid my apartment and it basically looks like a whole new place. And why shouldn’t I have this is probably the most significant breakup of my life. I’m focusing on living a healthy lifestyle and not taking any moments for granted. I wasted so much life on my couch and in my bathroom. I’m not doing that anymore. I made a new rule for 2011:No Saying No to Myself. This means if I'm remotely interested in something, I make sure I do it. I've got to tell you putting myself first is probably the best thing I've ever done.
By:
smc924
Age:
26-30
