I Don't Want This To Be Forever
I'm not exactly sure when it started. I was a late bloomer, and went through puberty a little after most girls. I still had the metabolism of child as a sophomore in highschool (as in I could consume about 3000 calories in junkfood alone every day without an ounce of fat appearing on my body). But after my body developed and my metabolism changed, I put on a little meat. At the time, I never would have considered the description chubby, let alone fat, but when I look at pictures from that time, I cannot bear the self disgust. I have since lost about twenty pounds, and even now I am filled with self loathing. Im five foot seven, and this past year I weighed about 110 lbs. I have since put on a little, I cant be sure of how much as Im in italy for the semester and dont own a scale. But I cannot stop this cycle of binging and purging. It used to be that Id forgive myself if I could go at least two weeks without submitting, but now I cant even go three days. On the weekends, when Im alone, I spend my limited money on food and will get sick up to about seven times a day. I need help. I just want this to disappear. I dont understand how everyone else has such a cavelier relationship with food while my own makes me anxious and suicidal.Im putting on weight, and it petrifies me. But the scariest thing is that if I could be sure I had purged every last calorie, I wouldnt be concerned. I know this mentality isnt healthy, but i dont know how to change.