I Don't Want This To Be Forever

I'm not exactly sure when it started. I was a late bloomer, and went through puberty a little after most girls. I still had the metabolism of child as a sophomore in highschool (as in I could consume about 3000 calories in junkfood alone every day without an ounce of fat appearing on my body). But after my body developed and my metabolism changed, I put on a little meat. At the time, I never would have considered the description chubby, let alone fat, but when I look at pictures from that time, I cannot bear the self disgust. I have since lost about twenty pounds, and even now I am filled with self loathing. Im five foot seven, and this past year I weighed about 110 lbs. I have since put on a little, I cant be sure of how much as Im in italy for the semester and dont own a scale. But I cannot stop this cycle of binging and purging. It used to be that Id forgive myself if I could go at least two weeks without submitting, but now I cant even go three days. On the weekends, when Im alone, I spend my limited money on food and will get sick up to about seven times a day. I need help. I just want this to disappear. I dont understand how everyone else has such a cavelier relationship with food while my own makes me anxious and suicidal.Im putting on weight, and it petrifies me. But the scariest thing is that if I could be sure I had purged every last calorie, I wouldnt be concerned. I know this mentality isnt healthy, but i dont know how to change.
laurenm11 laurenm11
2 Responses Nov 23, 2011

Oh pet you are on the road to distruction if you don't find help ASAP.<br />
Here in Australia we have an organization that helps your disease, and that's what it is, a mental disease. You need to find such a one that you can attend and get the help you need. Inquire at the local hospital.<br />
I know this at first hand because my niece suffers from this too. You have reached the first stage by admitting you have this problem, and believe me when I say NEVER LOOK IN A MIRROR... you are not seeing what you look like, your brain has painted a picture of what YOU want to see.<br />
This disease affects your framily as well, please seek help ASAP before it is too late.... my prayers are with you ....B

Do you have a pretty smile? Well, if you don't stop the purging, you can say good bye to that pretty smile. I know, this isn't going to make you stop, but it is a fact. Every time you vomit, you are causing damage to your teeth with stomach acids, and of course, what is the first thing you do? Brush you teeth, causing further damage, because you are brushing away that damaged enamel. Not to mention the damage you are doing to your esophagus, your throat, your tongue and all of the soft tissues in your mouth. And if at any time, you accidentally aspirate any of that stomach acid, the damage to your trachea and larynx is also pretty bad. I don't know what to tell you that will help you get control, but I hope you will find a program that will help you. Meanwhile, maybe this site will help a little. http:// www.something-fishy.org/treatmentfinder/Anorexics-and-Bulimics-Anonymous.html