The Demon That Resides Within.It's name is Mia.
It has been an acquaintance of mine ever since I was fifteen, and it paid the first of many visits during a stressful examination period. It crept up on me as a youngster who doubted her numerous capabilities and told me what I felt (but didn't say) inside. It said that I wasn't good enough. Never pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. A constant failure to all who depended on me. And a bad example of what a teenaged girl should be. Eventhough there was a small voice that spoke against its fallacies, Mia was strong. Mia had the louder voice.
It said the only way to get onto the path of 'righteousness' was to let it all out. Everything that was eaten that is.. And as ontrol slipped from my grasp, Mia held my hand through the trying times. Led me to the porcelain toilet bowl to release my insides.
And being the naive fifteen year old girl I was back then, I continued my stupid ways. I've never liked crying. I've never been a fan of telling people how I felt. Especially when that feeling was of anger or sadness. I'd never let anyone know.
Who would believe that clowns could cry? Who would believe that this jokester who'd been cracking them up since forever, could actually be so depressed?
I couldn't let anyone know. I didn't want them to. I didn't want their sympathy or help. This is my problem and I wanted to deal with it alone.
And with perspectove that I kept, Mia was joyful. Mia struck when I was at my worst, and made things good for a short period of time. I did lose weight for awhile. But the weight never truly left. And a year later, Mia also introduced me to fat burners which I had, at a desperate point in time, consumed beyond the normal dosage. There was once I almost died when I consumed those horrid pills during a messy family issue. I couldn't take the pain. It was too great. Back then, it was truly too much for me.
I can't believe I'm going to say this right now to a couple of strangers but... I had almost comitted suicide. I was then aged sixteen. Old enough to know right from wrong, left or right and speaking my mind. I knew bottling up emotions were bad. I just didn't know I was doing it. I also never really knew. I don't know if I'm 'really sad' or 'really angry'. I just feel numb. Till this day, I can honestly say that I'm unsure about the authencity of my emotions. Am I simply exaggerating? I don't know...
I am now eighteen, and I had recently started talking to a psychologist,who happens to be a very kind and good priest. He has been helping me a lot, and giving me the insight on Mia, on what to do with it, how to deal with it.. Besides my own personal research that is. I'd been studying my enemy and I intend on ending it. Looking back at my younger years when I was ill eqquipped to deal with my emotional issues, I realised I simply kept everything inside. I never trusted anyone enough to talk about my problems or to share and so I had turned to food. And from the food, it turned into bulimia.
Then I had not fully accepted who I was, but today I am clearer on my current situation and with clarity, comes a form of redemption. Nowadays Mia has become more of an EDNOS.. But that still isn't good enough. I want to be healed. I want to be free of this numbness I feel, this stupidity.
This dangerous habit needs to be broken, lest it breaks when I am dead.
Bulimia, Anorexia or EDNOS, it needs to stop. And only we have the power to stop it. We musn't give in. Nothing is ever easy. I am still fighting, and I vow to always will until I am completely set free. But till then, I know that deep down, the demon lays dormant. It still resides inside me. There will always be a war that rages inside, but I know one thing for sure.
Mia will never have me.
(If there are any spelling errors, please forgive me. Typing this is a little hard..)
Dwynny 18-21 2 Responses 2 Jan 5, 2012