I've Had It For 10 Years Now...

I think the most difficult part about it is many people don't understand it. They either make an ignorant opinion about it or they just don't know what to make of it.

I tried to stop so many times, but it's so difficult. I think "if I stop, I will gain weight, then I will be fat..." and I don't wanna go there again. I remember how people used to see me when I was "fat" It wasn't a nice life back then... I was so disgusted of myself, I hated myself... everyone would act so confident in front of me, they'd look down on me, they'd think they look better than me... I would get jealous when I see other girls get compliments from other people. All those days I refused to go out with friends, because I thought "I didn't look good"

Even though, it hasn't got any better, I still refuse to go out so many times, I still think I look fat, I still get disgusted of myself... but people don't look at me like they looked at the "fat girl" before...

This life... it's too much pressure, it's too stressful... and sometimes I think, is it worth it?
puzzles100 puzzles100
22-25, F
10 Responses Mar 11, 2012

The fear of becoming fat will not be your only hurdle... The stress & my need to control something... Anything I can is keeping me from stopping... I wish you the best of luck on your journey & know that things get worse before they get better and we are with you... "the problem is you think you have time" - Buddha

Of course it does.There is a way out

i know exactly how you feel,everyone just tells you to stop asif its that simple. i would give anything to 'just stop' and live a normal life.. but i'm terrified of being fat again. everyone compliments me now and tells me i look beautiful, which is far from what i see in the mirror, but no one told me that before i became bulimic and that makes it so much harder to get better :(

The hardest is really that people don't understand it. <br />
I "came out" and told my family about 2 years ago that I suffer from Bulimia. My goal for revealing the sickness to my family was to open up and finally help them understand me better by bringing light into my behavior and an opportunity to speak freely with me about it. <br />
I expected openness and support in return. This never materialized though. Instead, my family didn't really do anything except pay more attention to what I eat (e.g. if I order a sandwich at a restuarant and I scrape the butter off the bread, or buy light cheese). The result of them knowing about the bulimia is that I'm judged even more ba<x>sed on what and how I eat. It's sad really. Judging anyone ba<x>sed on what they eat is ignorant. And it's so frustrating to be reduced to something so insignificant. I'm an eating disorder with 2 legs.<br />
Now, I don't want to make anyone have second thoughts about openning up about the illness. I'm just venting about my particular experience. In fact, I think everyone who has bulimia should open up about it - just to backfire against the shame and misunderstanding of the sickness. It's an up hill battle, but we'll all win it.

Kinda cool to find this convo... im at it about 13 yrs.. never talk to anyone about it. but im over it. i want to stop now.. thats why im on this site.. to share and inspire others to heal!!!

I completely understand what you are going through. I've been at it for 13 years. I'm 27, started at 14. Difference with me is that I actually AM a big girl and don't just think i am fat. I tell myself that i will stop, that i have the control but i don't. The only time i stopped is when I was pregnant with my son 4 years ago. Bulimia has caused me to develop anxiety over the years. I'm a "part time" bulimic though. I only do it when I eat excess or something i really shouldn't have. I wish I had the answer as to how to stop but I guess I wanted you to know you're not alone....

*hug*, i get it, over 10 year im over it

Me too lovey. 10 years and I'm so ******* tired of counting. I send you a hug and know I fully understand.

Me too lovey. 10 years and I'm so ******* tired of counting. I send you a hug and know I fully understand.

I do GET it, but I wish this was something that was easier to quit. I am thinking it is even harder to quit than a drug you are addicted to. You can detox from a drug, but how does one detox from a behavior, which is caused by an emotional disorder?