Why I Throw UpI've never been very good at self control. If I'm craving something, I'll eat it.
I never used to care about my weight. I was a ballerina, and on the larger side... I would often receive snide comments on my size, and would just ignore them. Then I moved away to college and started auditioning for my dream job. I'm a trained dancer, so I would make it to the last round of auditions every time, only to get let go at the final cut. Finally, I decided it had to be because of my size. So I started dieting.
As stated before, I have really bad self control. Dieting for me normally wasn't very healthy to begin with. I'd try and keep busy all day so I would eat as little as possible to make up for days that I let myself eat something bad. I stuck with this for a few months.
Finally, I went to another two auditions after the new weight loss I had experienced and still got cut at the very end. On my way home from the last audition, I bought everything I was craving. I stuffed myself until I felt sick. That was the first time I threw up. I just wanted to get it out of me.
Something in me had just snapped. That night I realized how much easier throwing up made things. I could eat whatever I want and still shed the pounds fast. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, that I was just doing it until I got my job.
I ended up getting hired a few weeks later and stopped for a little while. But the position I got hired into was just a seasonal position. Soon it was time to start looking at auditions again.
I realized then stopping was going to be a lot harder than I thought. It was the easy way out. I didn't have to work hard at it. And even though I got my initial spot, there were still auditions coming up and I had to continue to fight to stay with the company.
I did have my roommates confront me and I stopped for a few weeks. Then I just learned how to get sneakier about it. I've gotten so bad, I normally throw up once a day, sometimes more. I make up excuses to throw up even when I have people staying over at my apartment. I rarely eat out anymore; I'll wait until I can go home so I can throw up after.
I want to get better. I really do. I just don't know how. Every time I try and stop, I start back up again a few days later. I've gotten to the point where any junk food I put into my body I feel like I have to get out.
I'm smaller than a lot of girls at work. I know logically I'm not overweight; in fact, I'm in the middle of the healthy BMI for my height. A few pounds won't make a huge difference, especially in the position I have performing. But I can't stop.
Logically, I know weight is not the factor that holds me back when I don't get an audition. But I can't stop myself from thinking that it's the problem.