Why I Throw Up

I've never been very good at self control. If I'm craving something, I'll eat it. 

I never used to care about my weight. I was a ballerina, and on the larger side... I would often receive snide comments on my size, and would just ignore them. Then I moved away to college and started auditioning for my dream job. I'm a trained dancer, so I would make it to the last round of auditions every time, only to get let go at the final cut. Finally, I decided it had to be because of my size. So I started dieting. 

As stated before, I have really bad self control. Dieting for me normally wasn't very healthy to begin with. I'd try and keep busy all day so I would eat as little as possible to make up for days that I let myself eat something bad. I stuck with this for a few months. 

Finally, I went to another two auditions after the new weight loss I had experienced and still got cut at the very end. On my way home from the last audition, I bought everything I was craving. I stuffed myself until I felt sick. That was the first time I threw up. I just wanted to get it out of me. 

Something in me had just snapped. That night I realized how much easier throwing up made things. I could eat whatever I want and still shed the pounds fast. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, that I was just doing it until I got my job. 

I ended up getting hired a few weeks later and stopped for a little while. But the position I got hired into was just a seasonal position. Soon it was time to start looking at auditions again. 

I realized then stopping was going to be a lot harder than I thought. It was the easy way out. I didn't have to work hard at it. And even though I got my initial spot, there were still auditions coming up and I had to continue to fight to stay with the company. 

I did have my roommates confront me and I stopped for a few weeks. Then I just learned how to get sneakier about it. I've gotten so bad, I normally throw up once a day, sometimes more. I make up excuses to throw up even when I have people staying over at my apartment. I rarely eat out anymore; I'll wait until I can go home so I can throw up after. 

I want to get better. I really do. I just don't know how. Every time I try and stop, I start back up again a few days later. I've gotten to the point where any junk food I put into my body I feel like I have to get out. 

I'm smaller than a lot of girls at work. I know logically I'm not overweight; in fact, I'm in the middle of the healthy BMI for my height. A few pounds won't make a huge difference, especially in the position I have performing. But I can't stop. 

Logically, I know weight is not the factor that holds me back when I don't get an audition. But I can't stop myself from thinking that it's the problem. 
disneydancer618 disneydancer618
2 Responses Apr 30, 2012

Hey I just read your post and wanted to let you know that you can get better. I was bulimic since 16 till I was 33. Purging was an easy way out like you to control my weight. There were so many things I love to eat or try or to satisfy this deep emptiness or boredom but once I have decided to stop purging I realized that I couldnt eat with abandonment anymore and also realized that, that is what most people do, they don't eat everything that they want, or buy everything that they like. There is certain amount of self discipline, certain amount of thinking "enough for today" etc.. Try to be positive, sleep off or walk off that feeling of fullness, skip the next meal if you ate more than one meal's worth, cos your body would have enough nutrients. Try to avoid binge food, for me it was cookies/cakes/chocolates etc. I try to focus on my favourite savoury food and try to make healthy choices. I might end up eating 2-4 bowls of soup or salad or 2 person's worth of sandwiches etc to feel satiated but then that's it for the day. If I feel like having anything else, it would be hot unsweetened tea or water so I don't feel deprived, or starved. <br />
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I am in my 40s now and have been free of bulimia for the last 15 yrs . Sure there might be weight gain initially but it could be that the previous weight was "unrealistic" and trust me after a couple of yrs or months of trial and error you get to figure out what works best in terms of type of food to eat to make you feel satiated. <br />
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Do write to me if you need moral support or advice. I do want you to get better and you can. : )

weight is not the factor that holds you back its the remorse you feel from not making it pass the cut, pressure to be a certain way. I would just encourage you to speak to Jesus Christ about what it is your going through for he is the only one who really knows. He has a place for you, he made you and loves you. And though I struggle still with bulimia..about twice every six months i know where i came from and i know God is getting me out.