I don't want to do this any more, i think ive been doing really well with not throwing up. ~working out, eating better then occasionally feeling like i over ate. Every time i go out and party, drink a little , smoke a joint, be a little more sexual with my boyfriend i freak out, i start binge eating hating myself. disrupting my balance, and i don't quite understand. I wish i could do whatever i wanted to do with out consequences. the world looks at these types of activities and says it aint no thang, but i think it is. and its up to me to make a decision. a decision i continually put off for what?? ****** feelings and an unhealthy lifestyle? when will i choose what i know is right and act on it. Its more then just food and weight its about my shame and guilt and the fact that i haven't excepted God's grace and mercies and that i continually deny my freedom by making choices i know aren't good for me. and what do i get , hypothyroidism, slow heart beat, excess hair growth i never had before, dry skin, bit of belly fat when before i had a flat belly. FOR WHAT!!!!! nothing self hate self loathe, complete selfishness. thats what it is and im over it! i dont want this any more, i want to change for good im tired of wavering. im stronger then this and if i just would go to God and ask him for forgiveness and except it with out thinking there something inside of me that God can't change. I will change.